updates

I want to give a quick update on all things mommy-related.

First, cloth diapering.  Honestly, there isn't much to report.  We are still loving it and using cloth diapers exclusively.  We have officially run out of disposable diapers that people purchased for our shower.  We really only used them for doctor visits (for a more accurate weight) and very long days of being out. Even dirty cloth diapers have gotten easier now that Evie is eating more solid foods.  Basically, we just plop the yuck into the toilet - no dunking needed! 

Secondly, eating.  Girl loves to eat.  She has never refused any baby food we have given her, including zucchini, squash, and kale.  She is especially loving the fact that she can self-feed with puffs, yogurt melts, and small pieces of soft foods.  When we are eating, she pulls herself up next to us and whines until we give her a sample.  I'm so glad that she is not a picky eater!  We're still holding off on giving her meat for a bit longer, but I think we'll try it soon.  As far as formula goes, she is getting less and less interested in taking her bottles.  I still offer her about 25 ounces a day, but she usually doesn't take it all.

Finally, sleep.  Thank the Lord, Evie now sleeps so well at night.  It's such a drastic difference from where we used to be a few short months ago.  I feel spoiled now! She typically sleeps anywhere from 10-12 hours at night (usually about 11), and naps twice a day... sort of.  She'll typically nap in the morning for about an hour and a half.  The afternoon is a bit touch and go these days.  It often takes her a half hour or more to finally fall asleep.  Some days, she sleeps for 20 minutes; other days, she'll sleep for an hour.  It just depends.  Honestly, I think we owe so much of our recent sleep success to the book The Sleep Easy Solution.  It was a lifesaver for me.  We didn't start using the methods they described until Everlyn was a little over 8 months old.  (Up to that point, we didn't feel comfortable letting her cry at all.) But this gentle style of sleep-training only took about two fussy nights.  Now, even if Evie wakes up at night, she'll usually put herself right back to sleep after just a few moments of whining or babbling.  

I'm trying to enjoy every last moment with this sweet little girl.  She'll be turning one before too long.  How did that happen?!

Battles

That is one of my favorite quotes of all time.

Because it's so true.

I was thinking again about all the times when I've been in awkward moments similar to the one I blogged about a few days ago. [here] It's hard.  But I know that everyone has baggage, issues, struggles, problems that they keep hidden.

And I had to ask myself - how many times do I speak in such a way that someone else feels passively hurt, misunderstood, or alone? How often do my words leave someone else in the conversation standing silent, wishing for the very thing about which I am complaining? 

It is extremely important to remember that everyone is fighting a battle - or several.  And their battles may not be the same as ours.  In fact, they may be the exact opposite.

The woman dealing with an unwanted pregnancy talking to a woman struggling with infertility.  The man complaining about his job with someone who was just laid off.  The boy complaining about his parents to the girl whose mother passed away when she was young.

There is so much hidden hurt.

So I guess my challenge is this - don't be ashamed of your struggles.  It's okay to be open, to make yourself vulnerable sometimes.  But even more, remember that the person you are talking to may have struggles that are very different from your own.  Be sensitive.  Speak with grace.  Try to understand their battles.

Quick Pic

Happy Tuesday!

backtrack

I'm feeling a little guilty about some of the things I posted last night. 

Let me say, no matter what, I love my husband. Very much.  And in general, I love what we do.  I love our church, and I especially love love love the great group of students with whom we work.  Seriously, they are the best.  Top notch.

There are also so many positive sides to my husband's job.  His schedule is somewhat flexible.  When I was pregnant, he was able to come to all of our prenatal appointments.  How awesome is that? Plus, it's really great to know that he's doing what he loves.  Not many people can say that these days.  

I know there are plenty of other jobs that are so much more demanding in terms of time.  I can never imagine being a military wife or a doctor's wife.  Never.  But it's not always so much about the time or schedule.  Sure, that can be hard for us sometimes.  But I think the biggest struggle for me lately has been the emotional commitment.  Even when Chris is not at work, he is often working.  Whether it's answering emails, responding to text messages, editing videos, or prepping for the services, it seems like he is constantly doing something for his job.  And that can be taxing on him.  Most nights, he is asleep or nearly asleep shortly after 9:00.  

My "love language" is quality time, by far.  So even when Chris is home, I am easily frustrated when he is focused on work instead of just being with us.  (Much of this is something I need to work on - I know.)  But I guess I just felt like I needed to clarify some things from my last post.  I hope I didn't come across as ungrateful or rude.  I didn't mean it that way.  

Life Of A Pastor's Wife

So maybe you didn't know... my husband is a youth pastor.  Yep, I am a pastor's wife.

And I've got to be totally honest - being a pastor's wife really sucks sometimes.

I don't mean that in disrespect to God or the church.  I am so thankful that my husband has a job in his area of passion.  But man oh man, nobody told me what I was signing up for.

I've been struggling a lot in this role lately, so I've been looking for support on the internet.  What I have found is shocking, but also comforting in some ways. Many pastor's wives have made the comment that their husbands give their best to their ministry, leaving their family to survive on the "leftovers" or the "crumbs."  A TIME article commented that 88% of pastor's wives experience depression, and 80% feel unappreciated in their role.  They feel lonely.  Sometimes, they come to resent their husbands' commitments to ministry.

Looking back, our marriage started out full force in ministry.  We left for a week of summer camp just a couple days on our return from our honeymoon.  It was a rough beginning.  Just when it seemed like we were getting used to the time commitments and crazy schedules, we had a baby.  That's when it got especially difficult for me.  I remember when Evie was only two months old, Chris left for a week long mission trip.  The baby and I were originally supposed to go on the trip with him, but he decided that we might be a distraction to the group.  Plus, we obviously wouldn't be doing much work.  So we spent the week alone.  I cried every night.  I felt abandoned.  

Now that Everlyn is a bit older, it's been easier for me to get used to taking care of her alone while Chris runs his ministry.  I try to come to most youth events, but a baby on a nap schedule with an 8:00 bedtime often eliminates my availability.  When I do come, I sometimes feel like I am just "hired help" who is there to watch the baby and stay out of everyone's way.  I'm usually sitting on the floor in the atrium with her while everybody is in service.  

It's been lonely lately.  And yet, there aren't that many people in the same role who can possibly understand.  Furthermore, it's a delicate subject.  I can't talk too much to anyone about it because I don't want them to lose any respect for my husband, his ministry, or the church.

I don't really have any easy answers about all of this, but here are some resources I've found helpful.

The Youth Pastor's Wife

TIME

That Awkward Moment

That awkward moment when you're at a party and all the women are talking about how incredibly fertile they are.  And you're just standing there, only a day after getting the call that the fertility medication that once helped you get your miracle no longer appears to be working.  When they laugh about all the birth control methods that failed, and you stand silently, remembering all the times you tediously charted temperatures and took medications, only for them not to work.

Awkward.

worn

I'm tired. 

I feel wilted, weak, and exhausted.  I need more energy, more joy, more purpose. 

All I want to do is sleep forever. And yet, I know I don't want to sleep my life away.

So, so tired.

Sickies

I was really hoping we were going to beat the odds and avoid all of the yucky sickness that is spreading like wildfire around here these days.

We made it to February. So close.

Actually, I shouldn't really complain.  The flu has been ruthless this season, especially in our church.  People have been down and out for a week or more.  Families have passed it back and forth.  Yuck.  On top of that, the Norovirus (stomach flu) is also running rampant.  So many people are sick.

So far, we have been fortunate enough to avoid these nasty bugs.  But now, Chris is pretty sick.  It seems to be a sinus infection, so I'm really praying it's that over the flu.  I'm also really hoping that Everlyn doesn't get it.  

For now, we are hunkering down in our house with vitamin C drops, a neti pot, and tea tree oil.  I'm also trying to disinfect our surfaces with hydrogen peroxide and vinegar, which supposedly kills more germs than bleach.  (I don't like bleach - it's so harsh!)

Anyway, I hope everyone is staying healthy.  If not, get better soon - and don't forget to wash your hands!

Give and Take

I've come to a very basic but very profound conclusion lately.  

It seems like everyone is looking for someone who will listen to them.

I'm not talking about someone who will just hear you out.  I'm talking about the kind of person who is willing to come into your experience and experience it with you - someone who will stand beside you and help carry your burden, or someone who will throw the party when you have a reason to celebrate.  

A true, meaningful friendship.

And I think that most people today would be hard-pressed to name someone like that in their lives.  Sure, we probably have dozens of friends, maybe even a handful of best friends.  But think about your daily conversations with people.  When they say, "How are you?" you probably respond with, "Fine."  Even if everything in your life seems to be falling apart, you try to make it seem like you have it all together.  Or maybe you say something like, "Oh, I had a really rough night with the baby." Or, "I've been so busy, I'm just really exhausted."  How do people in your life respond?

As I've paid more attention to my conversations lately, I've noticed that most people will respond to comments like that with their own baggage.  "Yeah, both of my kids were up sick last night."  Or, "My schedule has been so hectic lately, I just want to get some sleep."  Suddenly, the conversation that started with their inquiry about your life has turned to them pouring out their own problems to you.  Perhaps you then feel belittled or guilty for complaining to them about your struggles.  You probably end up walking away not feeling any better than you did before talking to that person.

Where is the benefit in relationships like that? 

I really believe that society today, through its attempts to bring people together through technology and "busy-ness" has actually driven people further apart.  Relationships are becoming a mile wide and an inch deep.  Thanks to technology, we can avoid talking to people (or heaven forbid, looking them in the eye).  But these types of "relationships" don't fulfill our emotional need for togetherness.  This comes across in our daily conversations with people.  Our life experiences - joys, hardships, struggles - come pouring out, almost uncontrollably it seems, in response to each other.  That type of conversation doesn't help heal anyone.  

So here's the challenge I have put to myself.  When someone talks to me about their life - whether the problems (or triumphs) seem big or small, I will not respond with information about my own life.  Instead, I will listen intentionally.  I will ask questions.  I will try to relate to them by understanding how they are feeling.  I will not one-up their complaints/struggles/joys with one of my own.  Instead, I will walk beside them on their own journey.

Because one day, I will need someone to walk beside me.  To listen intently.  To ask me how I'm really feeling.  And hopefully, someone will remember how I tried to be like that for them.  I know it's not going to be easy.  I'm going to mess up.  But I really think this is going to benefit my relationships.

Trusting His Goodness

I wrote a couple of similar posts on this topic awhile back.  You can read them here and here.  

And yet, my soul still wrestles.  My faith is sometimes shaken.  

I know that God is good.  I know.  He is the One who defines what it means to be good.  The Lord is good, and His love endures forever.

But this world is full of so much that is not good.  This new year has brought many unexpected hardships in the lives of those around me.  

Cancer.  Divorce.  Unexpected loss.  Infertility.  Miscarriage.  Illness.  Injustice.  Struggle.

I started to ask myself... at what point does "God is good" simply become a mantra of which we try to convince ourselves rather than a truth that is evident in this life?  When life's not-good moments hit me one after another, I find my spirit crying out in anger... Is this what You call good? What makes You so good if this is what You give?

Guilt burdened me as I wrestled with these thoughts.  And then I started reading a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp - a book that examines the exact thoughts I was thinking, feelings I was feeling, and struggles I was facing.  The author writes in such a raw, emotional way.  She describes the not-good moments of her life - namely, the tragic death of her younger sister.  There's no way I could capture the expression of this book, but I wanted to share a few pieces that have inspired lightbulb moments for me.

"Here dies another day during which I have had eyes, ears, hands, and the great world 'round me; and with tomorrow begins another.  Why am I allowed two?

Why doesn't anyone ask that question? Why are we allowed two? Why lavished with three? A whole string of grace days? 

This is so true.  When bad things happen, everyone points the finger at God and asks, "Where were You?" But when we are blessed with good things, things which we don't deserve, how many of us stop and give God the credit?

I'll leave you with the most thought-provoking passage I've read in the book so far.  It's long, but I promise it's worth the read.  

"Do I believe in a God who rouses Himself just now and then to spill a bit of benevolence on hemorrhaging humanity? A God who breaks through the carapace of this orb only now and then, surprises us with a spared hand, a reprieve from sickness, a good job and a nice house in the burbs - and then finds Himself again too impotent to deal with all I see as suffering and evil? A God of sporadic, random, splattering goodness that now and then splatters across a gratitude journal? Somebody tell me: what are all the other moments?"

"I won't shield God from my anguish by claiming He's not involved in the ache of this world and Satan prowls, but he's a lion on a leash and the God who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, and I can cry and I can howl and He embraces the David-hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief and I can moan deep that He did this - and He did... If I had the perspective of the whole, perhaps I'd see it? That which seems evil, is it a cloud to bring rain, to bring a greater good to the whole of the world? Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life?"