looking back

Ever since Amber joined our family, I have found myself thinking about when we first brought Evie home less than two years ago. How incredibly long each day was.  The seemingly endless crying (she was colicky, especially at night), the constant feedings, and the self-imposed hibernation period in which I didn't leave the house.  I remember feeling like that season would never end - like I would never sleep or get out of our house.  We were tired.  We were short-tempered.  I was depressed.  It was a hard season indeed.

Looking back, it passed so quickly.

I find myself struggling to remember the details of her tiny, newborn baby self.  How she smelled.  How her cries were so tiny.  How she looked when she slept.  I took hundreds of photos and several videos, but I look back at these fragmented memories and think, "I wish I had more."  

I wish I had seen more of the good in those very difficult early days.  I wish I would have been more easygoing.  

Now, my sweet Everlyn, the one who gave me the gift of motherhood, is a feisty, stubborn, tender-hearted toddler.  She repeats herself a hundred times a day, stomps her little feet when she is angry, kisses her stuffed animals when she rocks them to sleep, and loves her sister in the purest way.  She says the funniest things and has the most infectious toddler laugh.  She loves animals and the outdoors and reading.  

She is growing up so quickly. 

I completely understand now how it feels to love someone so much it actually aches sometimes.  Being a mama has shown me how that is possible.  I love to watch her grow and learn and explore, but my body physically hurts when I think about how fast these seasons come and go.  I want to be the best mama I can be, for her and for Amber.  

I love you, little bean.  Thank you for making me a mama.

mama guilt

Ever have those days where you feel like you've failed?

That's me today.

As a mom, I try to do my very best for my daughter.  I want to feed her the healthiest food, dress her in the cutest clothes, and teach her everything she needs to learn.  Sometimes, I get so caught up in these petty little things.  Yes, I want to feed my daughter healthy food, but chicken nuggets aren't going to spoil that every now and then.  And so what if her shirt has stains on it? That's not going to matter to her, so why does it matter so much to me? 

With all of these mental "must-do" lists, it's so easy to lose sight of what really matters - making sure that Evie knows she is loved unconditionally.  Am I really showing her that when I feed her organic food, or does she see it more when we snuggle and watch Sesame Street together in our pjs?  

What makes my agenda so important?

I need to let go of these things, these matters of secondary importance, and just let myself be in the moment with my daughter.  I want her to remember that we played in the leaves and read stories and built towers, not that she wore cute clothes or ate three servings of fruit everyday.  I want her to remember the love she felt.

It's not going to be an easy transition for me as the perfectionist that I am, but it starts with grace.  

Let me find grace in tomorrow.

Evie speak

I have been amazed these last few weeks at how many new words Evie is picking up.  She is very aware of the things we say and the sounds we make, and she often will imitate us at the most funny moments.  It has made me realize that we need to be careful to use our language in a thoughtful way at all times.  I want to share some of Evie's words - her version of them and what I have found that they mean.

hi - hi
muh - milk
mama - mama :) She often says this repeatedly now because she likes when I respond with, "Yes?"
dada - daddy
dah-dah - doggy, not to be confused with "daddy"
sop - soup
bah-bah or bah-boo - baby; she says this as she pats my tummy or if she sees a baby
up - this means both up and down, which can get confusing
cheese - cheese
wa-wa - water
side - outside
teez - toothbrush
night-night - bedtime
hep - help
tig - tiger, her favorite toy
hey - hey or hi
tee-tee - TV
bye-bye - bye, also she uses this to reference cars
home - home
sah - sock
shez - shoes
two - two; she counts to three, but usually skips one; she sometimes uses this to mean again
dah - please; not sure why she says "dah" for please but can clearly say cheese, peas, etc.

There are more, but many are slipping my mind at the moment.  I love that we are slowly starting to understand each other better. I just love that little girl!