backtrack

I'm feeling a little guilty about some of the things I posted last night. 

Let me say, no matter what, I love my husband. Very much.  And in general, I love what we do.  I love our church, and I especially love love love the great group of students with whom we work.  Seriously, they are the best.  Top notch.

There are also so many positive sides to my husband's job.  His schedule is somewhat flexible.  When I was pregnant, he was able to come to all of our prenatal appointments.  How awesome is that? Plus, it's really great to know that he's doing what he loves.  Not many people can say that these days.  

I know there are plenty of other jobs that are so much more demanding in terms of time.  I can never imagine being a military wife or a doctor's wife.  Never.  But it's not always so much about the time or schedule.  Sure, that can be hard for us sometimes.  But I think the biggest struggle for me lately has been the emotional commitment.  Even when Chris is not at work, he is often working.  Whether it's answering emails, responding to text messages, editing videos, or prepping for the services, it seems like he is constantly doing something for his job.  And that can be taxing on him.  Most nights, he is asleep or nearly asleep shortly after 9:00.  

My "love language" is quality time, by far.  So even when Chris is home, I am easily frustrated when he is focused on work instead of just being with us.  (Much of this is something I need to work on - I know.)  But I guess I just felt like I needed to clarify some things from my last post.  I hope I didn't come across as ungrateful or rude.  I didn't mean it that way.  

Life Of A Pastor's Wife

So maybe you didn't know... my husband is a youth pastor.  Yep, I am a pastor's wife.

And I've got to be totally honest - being a pastor's wife really sucks sometimes.

I don't mean that in disrespect to God or the church.  I am so thankful that my husband has a job in his area of passion.  But man oh man, nobody told me what I was signing up for.

I've been struggling a lot in this role lately, so I've been looking for support on the internet.  What I have found is shocking, but also comforting in some ways. Many pastor's wives have made the comment that their husbands give their best to their ministry, leaving their family to survive on the "leftovers" or the "crumbs."  A TIME article commented that 88% of pastor's wives experience depression, and 80% feel unappreciated in their role.  They feel lonely.  Sometimes, they come to resent their husbands' commitments to ministry.

Looking back, our marriage started out full force in ministry.  We left for a week of summer camp just a couple days on our return from our honeymoon.  It was a rough beginning.  Just when it seemed like we were getting used to the time commitments and crazy schedules, we had a baby.  That's when it got especially difficult for me.  I remember when Evie was only two months old, Chris left for a week long mission trip.  The baby and I were originally supposed to go on the trip with him, but he decided that we might be a distraction to the group.  Plus, we obviously wouldn't be doing much work.  So we spent the week alone.  I cried every night.  I felt abandoned.  

Now that Everlyn is a bit older, it's been easier for me to get used to taking care of her alone while Chris runs his ministry.  I try to come to most youth events, but a baby on a nap schedule with an 8:00 bedtime often eliminates my availability.  When I do come, I sometimes feel like I am just "hired help" who is there to watch the baby and stay out of everyone's way.  I'm usually sitting on the floor in the atrium with her while everybody is in service.  

It's been lonely lately.  And yet, there aren't that many people in the same role who can possibly understand.  Furthermore, it's a delicate subject.  I can't talk too much to anyone about it because I don't want them to lose any respect for my husband, his ministry, or the church.

I don't really have any easy answers about all of this, but here are some resources I've found helpful.

The Youth Pastor's Wife

TIME