every morning

Every morning, Evie wakes up groggy and cranky and wanting breakfast immediately.  Every morning, she screams when we ask to change her diaper and when her breakfast isn't ready right when she wants it.  Every morning, there are many tears.

Every morning.

It's no secret that the toddler years can be difficult for parents to maneuver.  Children begin to find their independence, and they test the boundaries that parents set.  This is all normal.  But it's still so hard.  I have really found myself struggling recently with some of Everlyn's behaviors.  Make no mistake, she absolutely adores her new sister, but she's not so thrilled about having to share the time and attention that was once all hers.  There are many tears and tantrums and time-outs in my days.  Sometimes I find myself so frustrated or angry that I want to lock myself in the bathroom just to have five minutes of peace and clarity.  It's during these times that I am gently reminded of His mercy.  His mercies are new every morning.  

Every morning.

When I stop to think about it, the similarities between my relationship with Evie and my relationship with God are quite astounding.  Only, in the latter, I am the misbehaving child - the one who constantly makes the same bad decisions.  Oh how frustrating I must be as a child of God!  I'll admit that it's difficult to remember these things in the thick of the daily struggle, but as I reflect on my parenting choices at the end of the day, I make it a point to pray and refocus for the day to come.  I need to be filled with grace and patience with the beautiful daughters God has given me.  He has been merciful with me, and I need to be merciful with them.

His mercies are new every morning.

And for that, I am so grateful.

looking back

Ever since Amber joined our family, I have found myself thinking about when we first brought Evie home less than two years ago. How incredibly long each day was.  The seemingly endless crying (she was colicky, especially at night), the constant feedings, and the self-imposed hibernation period in which I didn't leave the house.  I remember feeling like that season would never end - like I would never sleep or get out of our house.  We were tired.  We were short-tempered.  I was depressed.  It was a hard season indeed.

Looking back, it passed so quickly.

I find myself struggling to remember the details of her tiny, newborn baby self.  How she smelled.  How her cries were so tiny.  How she looked when she slept.  I took hundreds of photos and several videos, but I look back at these fragmented memories and think, "I wish I had more."  

I wish I had seen more of the good in those very difficult early days.  I wish I would have been more easygoing.  

Now, my sweet Everlyn, the one who gave me the gift of motherhood, is a feisty, stubborn, tender-hearted toddler.  She repeats herself a hundred times a day, stomps her little feet when she is angry, kisses her stuffed animals when she rocks them to sleep, and loves her sister in the purest way.  She says the funniest things and has the most infectious toddler laugh.  She loves animals and the outdoors and reading.  

She is growing up so quickly. 

I completely understand now how it feels to love someone so much it actually aches sometimes.  Being a mama has shown me how that is possible.  I love to watch her grow and learn and explore, but my body physically hurts when I think about how fast these seasons come and go.  I want to be the best mama I can be, for her and for Amber.  

I love you, little bean.  Thank you for making me a mama.

Evie speak

I have been amazed these last few weeks at how many new words Evie is picking up.  She is very aware of the things we say and the sounds we make, and she often will imitate us at the most funny moments.  It has made me realize that we need to be careful to use our language in a thoughtful way at all times.  I want to share some of Evie's words - her version of them and what I have found that they mean.

hi - hi
muh - milk
mama - mama :) She often says this repeatedly now because she likes when I respond with, "Yes?"
dada - daddy
dah-dah - doggy, not to be confused with "daddy"
sop - soup
bah-bah or bah-boo - baby; she says this as she pats my tummy or if she sees a baby
up - this means both up and down, which can get confusing
cheese - cheese
wa-wa - water
side - outside
teez - toothbrush
night-night - bedtime
hep - help
tig - tiger, her favorite toy
hey - hey or hi
tee-tee - TV
bye-bye - bye, also she uses this to reference cars
home - home
sah - sock
shez - shoes
two - two; she counts to three, but usually skips one; she sometimes uses this to mean again
dah - please; not sure why she says "dah" for please but can clearly say cheese, peas, etc.

There are more, but many are slipping my mind at the moment.  I love that we are slowly starting to understand each other better. I just love that little girl!

my little mommy

what i love about you

My sweet little Evie Bean,

I can't believe how quickly you are growing and changing right before my eyes.  Your curious spirit and independent personality are showing more and more each day.  You are really starting to find your voice, too! It's amazing how much you can communicate with us, even though your language is still minimal.  

As you have grown, you have developed some adorable quirks and habits.  I don't always realize how precious these moments are because they are part of my many days with you; however, other people are always commenting on how smart and adorable you are! We can never get through the store without a stranger stopping to chat with you and tell you how beautiful you are (or how much you look like your daddy!)  

I want to remember these silly little moments with you because they are the moments that make motherhood worthwhile.  Moments pass so quickly, and I don't want to lose these precious memories.

I love the way you say hi to us when we go to get you in the morning.

I love how you stomp your little feet when you're frustrated or just being goofy with us.

I love how you say hi to everyone we pass at the store.

I love how you cuddle your tiger and your baby, mimicking the way we pat your back and kiss your face.

I love how you happily run around naked after your baths.

I love the adorable animal sounds you make! You currently know cow, monkey, pig, and duck, though you sometimes get them mixed up :)

I love how you belly laugh when Daddy bounces you on the bed, and how you immediately stand up and say, "Two!" when he's done because you want to do it again.

I love how you stand on your tip toes to reach the piano keys, and how you light up when you "play."

I love how you immediately lay on the ground when we tell you no to something you want to do.

I love the way you babble so confidently to us as if we know exactly what you are saying.

I love how you sing and dance when music comes on!

I love you so much my little bean - big as the sky!

the "n word"

Well, it finally happened.  Evie learned to say the word "no."

I knew it would be coming soon because she has already mastered the art of shaking her head from side to side when she is unhappy about something.  Then, a few days ago, I said to her, "Can I have a kiss?" And she simply said, "No," and walked away.

And it has been her favorite word ever since.

I actually find it to be humorous and even kind of cute because I'm not sure that she completely understands what it means.  For example, if I offer her a sippy cup of milk and say, "Do you want your milk?" she will tell me no but then gladly take it from me.  

It really amazes me how quickly she is learning and growing.  It seems like the baby days are getting further and further behind us with toddlerhood just ahead.  I love seeing her explore and try new things, but there is a part of me that misses her little baby self.  I'm excited though to watch her grow into the beautiful girl she is already becoming.

not so baby

My baby is not really a baby anymore.

I've been thinking about this often as of late because Evie recently turned one.  In the last two months, she has started walking, communicating more, and demonstrating a lot of independence.  Girl is stubborn! But I know that can be channeled for good things in her future.

My little bean isn't so little anymore either.  Her chubby legs hang over the edge of her car seat, which is now much too heavy to tote around with her strapped in.  She can reach things on our kitchen table, and she has even started trying to climb onto the furniture by herself.

What a difference a year makes.

Sometimes I miss the baby days when I could pop her in my sling and feel her snuggled close to me.  I miss us snoozing together on the couch after a long night.  But I'm so excited to see what kind of person she's going to become.  It's scary too because I know that she is always watching me, modeling my behaviors, and picking up on my habits.  And I'm not always worthy of being modeled.  But I hope that we will continue to grow and learn together as a family.  May we have grace with her as I hope she will with us.

one year photos

 When Everlyn turned one, we decided to splurge a little and have professional pictures taken.  Looking back, we regret not having professional newborn photos, so we knew we needed to just do it.

I'm so glad we did.

We went with Jennifer Hosking Photography, a local photographer who works only with babies.  She was awesome and so patient with Evie.  If she started to get cranky, Jennifer would tell us to take a few minutes and give Evie a snack or play with her.  And her photos turned out so well.

So, without further ado, her are a few of the shots!

one

Today is one that I have seen coming for awhile, and yet, it still has taken me by surprise.

My baby is one.  As in, one year.  Say what? When did this happen?!  

On this day a year ago, I went in for a routine checkup two days past my due date.  That routine checkup turned into, "Why don't you just swing by triage to have things checked out," which suddenly became, "We're going to break your water now!"  

It seems like only yesterday, and yet, it seems so distant.  

The days may be long, but oh, time is so short with this baby girl.

Chris recently went to a youth conference where they used an illustration of a jar of marbles.  The idea was to take a jar and fill it with marbles - one for every week until your child graduates high school.  Then, at the end of each week, remove a marble from the jar.  It is meant to help parents recognize how little time they have with their children.

Today, I am down a year's worth of marbles.  And although high school graduation seems lightyears away, there was once a day when her first birthday seemed the same way.  And now here we are.

What am I going to do with the marbles we have left? The job behind such a question seems daunting, and I'm not even sure I can give a proper answer.  But I do know this - I will love my daughter deeply, I will cherish every moment, and I will do my best to teach her the responsibility of living intentionally. I want her to discover her calling and then answer it in the way only she can.

Oh, I have so many dreams for that girl.

Happy birthday, sweet Evie.  You are loved more than you'll ever know.  May we never take a moment with you for granted.

mama moments

Evie is such a Daddy's girl.  And I like that.  Baby girls love their daddies in a special way.

But sometimes, I appreciate the small mama moments, just us girls - the ones where we have a special, deeper connection.  In those moments, I truly feel that this little one loves me.  Although these special moments are rare, I cherish each one of them deeply. 

Just me and my little girl. 

finding the joy

When you have a baby, everyone wants to give you advice.  Some of it, you use.  Other bits, you smile and nod and think, I will never do that.  Although I've heard some great advice and some not-so-great advice from seasoned mothers, friends, and random people at the grocery store, there is always one thing that everyone ends with.

Enjoy it - they grow up so fast.

As I sit here typing this, I can hardly believe that I am planning my daughter's first birthday party.  She's gone from sleeping on my chest as a little peanut to taking her first steps.  I nearly cried when I had to purchase some pajamas from the "toddler" section of Carters.  Where is my baby? My sweet little bundle all wrapped up in my arms, the one I witnessed take her first breath on this earth - she has become a curious little girl with a bundle of personality just bubbling over.

And my heart aches a little.  It's not exactly a sad ache, but the type of overflowing, loving, sentimental ache that only a mother can truly understand.  It's joy and pain all wrapped up in one.  It's excitement for what's to come but longing for what has passed.  The days are often long, but oh, the time is short. 

There aren't enough moments for the love we feel for this girl.

sickness update

Sorry I've been MIA the last week, but Everlyn is still sick.  I took her to the doctor last Friday, but our normal pediatrician wasn't available.  The doctor we saw diagnosed her with a virus and croup cough.  He gave her five days of low steroids to help open her airways.  Fast forward a week and the poor girl was still so sick.  She could barely breathe because her chest was so congested, so I took her back in to see her regular doctor.  She confirmed my suspicions - it wasn't croup after all.  Although she didn't give us an exact diagnosis, she sent us home with a machine to do breathing treatments two to three times a day for at least a week.  It seems to be helping a little so far, but my little bean is still under the weather.

In other news, I am waiting to start round three of clomid after confirmation that the second attempt also failed.  The nurse told me that this would be the highest dosage.  If it doesn't work, I'll be referred to a specialist.

she calls me mama

"For this child I prayed...."

I'm still amazed every day that we are parents.  This is our daughter.  After angry prayers, some long nights, and many tears, God gave us this beautiful baby girl.

Thank You. We are blessed.

One of my favorite little moments during my days at home with Evie is when I'm in the kitchen doing dishes or preparing dinner.  She comes loudly crawling behind me, chanting, "Ma-ma-ma-ma."  I know that she probably doesn't attach any meaning to those little babbles.

But I do. 

Yes love. I am your mama. 

Always.

just another day

There is nothing special about today, yet there are so many special things about today.  I get to spend another wonderful day at home with my daughter.  And although she makes it difficult to get anything done, I love just being with her.  

My love. 

Recapping Christmas with Photos

My Week in Pictures

What's In A Name?

Everlyn.

So many people ask us how we came up with this name.  A few years ago, Chris and I went on World Vision's website to sponsor a child together.  The girl we chose was named Everlyn.  She was so beautiful.  Unfortunately, there was some kind of computer crash issue, and we had to select another child.  We decided right then that we loved the name and would use it if we ever had a daughter of our own.  

We still love the name Everlyn, even though some people make it painfully obvious that they don't.  (This is a typical conversation...)

Stranger: "She's so cute! What's her name?"

Us: "Everlyn."

Stranger: "Evelyn?"

Us: "No, Ev-ER-lyn."

Stranger: "Oh..."

Oh well, she's not their baby :) Anyways, the one thing that strikes me as interesting is that I can not find a meaning for the name Everlyn.  Actually, there isn't much information on it at all.  I have found some sites that say it's a boy name... go figure.  But other than that, nothing.  I have searched high and low.  At first, I was sort of bummed about this.  But then I decided that it's really cool because Evie will get to define her own name! She defines herself! So even though it will probably change as she gets older, here is what I have come up with so far:

Everlyn: inquisitive spirit; one who seeks understanding

I just love that we can adapt this as she grows and changes! 

The First Last

Well, Evie is on formula now.  After a rough week(ish) of transition, she has finally accepted it.  We did end up buying a different kind of formula since the stuff we had was soy based.  (Really gross - I tried it. I can't blame her for hating it.)  So we switched to a gentle milk-based formula, which she seems to like much better.  (Tasted that one too.  Still not great, but a definite improvement.)  She has been nursing twice a day still for her first and last feedings, but tonight, she took formula before bed instead.

It saddens me to think that I may have nursed my daughter for the last time without knowing it at the time.  I say "may have" because I might nurse her tomorrow morning.... I can't decide.  I thought I hated nursing.  I was wrong.  I hated the inconvenience of nursing.  I had to be the one to feed her, so I couldn't ever be gone for very long.  I hated trying to find private places in public settings so I could feed her in peace.  But I am going to deeply miss the bond we shared.  She has gone from a tiny life inside me, where only I could feel her 24 hours a day, to a newborn for whom I offered a special, unique comfort.  And now, that is gone.  I feel guilty for taking that away from her so soon, even though it has been longer than I intended.

And I just feel sad about it.  My baby is getting big.

When I went away to Tennessee for school, my mom wrote me a letter and left it on my bed after they had helped me move in.  I found it after they were already on their way home.  It started with, "I loved you from the moment I heard your heart beat."  She went on to talk about how my life was measured not only in a series of "firsts," but also in a series of "lasts" - the last time she rocked me to sleep, the last time we played piggy-back, the last time she tucked me in at night.  She said, "If I would have known it was the last time I would rock you, I would've rocked you a little longer.  If I had known it was the last piggy-back race, we would have played a little longer."  That's how I'm feeling right now.  If I had only known that this morning would be the last time nursing, I would've cherished it a little more.  (Which is why I'm considering nursing tomorrow morning.)  I thought that watching my baby grow and change would be happy and exciting.  It is, but it is also sad.  I wasn't ready for that.

So here we are.  The first of many lasts.