oh life, and breaking up

My thoughts are in so many places this evening that I am finding it difficult to express what is on my mind.  For one, brokenness.  The brokenness all around.  Maybe God has opened my eyes to something bigger than myself recently, or maybe I am just now stopping to notice.  There is so much hurt around me that I find myself on the verge of weeping when I really think about it.  I'm not even going to try to put it into words for fear of simplifying something of such magnitude.

As far as our little family, we are doing well.  Amber is growing like a weed, and Evie's communication continues to astonish me every day.  She wakes up each morning with a hunger and zest for life that I can only wish I had.  I am hanging in there - some days are better than others.  I love these girls to bits and pieces, but sometimes I let life get the best of me.  And so we continue to learn and grow together.

And here's where the breaking up comes into play... I need a break from blogging for awhile.  (I know, I haven't been updating much anyway, but hear me out.)  I love this little space for what it is - a place to dump my thoughts, save memories, and hopefully inspire someone on occasion.  But it is poisoning my soul in this season of life.  I am constantly trying to be something for an audience that truly doesn't matter.  I want my family to appear as if we have it together.  I want my daughters to seem quirky and trendy and lovely all the time.  I feel pressured to capture photos that prove that our life is always beautiful and abundantly joyful.  It is tiring, you know, trying to keep up with my idea of how my life should look.  And so I have begun finding ways to cut out the noise, the distractions, the pressure.  At the end of the day, I want to know that I have truly lived, not just made it seem so.  I want to drink in all that the days have to offer.  And so, for now, this is a step to a simpler life.  It feels like stepping into the shady trees and taking a deep breath.  If you do still read, please forgive me.  I hope to be back someday, when I am ready.  For now, I am free.

(I'll leave you with a few final photos.)

Be free, friends.

my little love

Hi my beautiful baby.  It was so good to see you again yesterday.  Your daddy and I can't wait to finally meet you in person.  We love you so much already.

"You are loved more than you know.

I hereby pledge all of my days 

To prove it so.

Though your heart is far too young to realize

The unimaginable light you hold inside."

sweet nothings

Days like today are truly a breath of fresh air for my spirit.  

We had the most delightful afternoon here on this beautiful, drizzly Memorial Day.  When Evie awoke from her morning nap, we packed up the car and headed out on a picnicking adventure with two of our very dearest friends, Alyssa and Steven.  Although the beach was packed with people celebrating, grilling, and enjoying each other's company, we found a lovely patch of field that we had all to ourselves.  (Chris and I reminisced about getting engaged in this very park!) Alyssa pulled out her picnic basket filled with goodies - smoked salmon, pasta salad, and freshly brewed sweet tea.  And we sat and talked and enjoyed being together.  We shared a meal and then walked down by the lake with Evie in tow in the wagon.

It wasn't a fancy double date or a big cookout with a lot of people.  Nope, it was simple, a sweet nothing of an afternoon, yet it was everything.  Just what we needed.  We were able to take our minds from work and infertility and just enjoy the day and the beautiful creation.

Photo courtesy of Alyssa's instagram! :)

I'm finding that I really like the simple things these days.

one year photos

 When Everlyn turned one, we decided to splurge a little and have professional pictures taken.  Looking back, we regret not having professional newborn photos, so we knew we needed to just do it.

I'm so glad we did.

We went with Jennifer Hosking Photography, a local photographer who works only with babies.  She was awesome and so patient with Evie.  If she started to get cranky, Jennifer would tell us to take a few minutes and give Evie a snack or play with her.  And her photos turned out so well.

So, without further ado, her are a few of the shots!

just can't get enough

...of this sunshine! Oh my stars, the weather today was beautiful. Thank you Lord!

I took Evie out into the yard to explore while I planted our vegetable garden.  Of course, that was often interrupted with Evie trying to eat everything - leaves, dirt, tree bark, grass, and rocks.  But we got a mega dose of vitamin D and mama daughter time. 

Love the sunshine in my soul.

spring nights

We love the sunshine over here.  Picnics have become our norm. Summer is going to be full of sweet, sweet memories.  I'm thankful for this sneak peek of summer weather.

finding the joy

When you have a baby, everyone wants to give you advice.  Some of it, you use.  Other bits, you smile and nod and think, I will never do that.  Although I've heard some great advice and some not-so-great advice from seasoned mothers, friends, and random people at the grocery store, there is always one thing that everyone ends with.

Enjoy it - they grow up so fast.

As I sit here typing this, I can hardly believe that I am planning my daughter's first birthday party.  She's gone from sleeping on my chest as a little peanut to taking her first steps.  I nearly cried when I had to purchase some pajamas from the "toddler" section of Carters.  Where is my baby? My sweet little bundle all wrapped up in my arms, the one I witnessed take her first breath on this earth - she has become a curious little girl with a bundle of personality just bubbling over.

And my heart aches a little.  It's not exactly a sad ache, but the type of overflowing, loving, sentimental ache that only a mother can truly understand.  It's joy and pain all wrapped up in one.  It's excitement for what's to come but longing for what has passed.  The days are often long, but oh, the time is short. 

There aren't enough moments for the love we feel for this girl.

spring

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light and winter in the shade.

-Great Expectations

My Week in Pictures