decisions, decisions

Well, it looks like this last Clomid cycle is a bust. Blood work will soon confirm that. The hard part now is deciding where to go from here.  I talked to someone at our insurance company today about fertility treatments.  She told me that they are not generally covered, but that I should call back with each procedure code as they come.

So there's that.

And then the idea of adopting now was sounding really good until I started looking into some agencies.  The wait time is almost three years.  Wow.

I need direction.  Where are we supposed to go from here? Both routes have the potential to be expensive, time-consuming, and ultimately a letdown.  We need to be wise about where we decide to invest our savings, efforts, and time.

If you're a praying person, please send up a quick one for us as you think of it.

content

The past few months, I have really been struggling with just "letting go" of this infertility business.  Failed medication after failed medication, I was losing hope.  When the nurse called and told me that I would probably need to see a specialist, I felt stuck.  What to do? We want to adopt anyway, so wouldn't it be smarter to put money towards that instead of fertility treatments (which might not even work)?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And then suddenly, these last few days, I have started to be at peace with the struggle.  I have fertility issues.  And that's okay.

Maybe my family won't ever be quite as large as I had hoped or imagined.  Maybe I'll only get to feel those sweet little kicks in my belly one time.

At least I got to feel them one time.  Some women aren't so fortunate.

So now, I am here.  At peace, for now at least.  Content with my little family.  And although I'm not looking forward to making decisions about the next step in our journey, I can appreciate where we are right now.

infertile does not mean childless

Sometimes I feel guilty when I use the word "infertility" to describe our situation.  Many people have pointed out to me that, with Evie, it only took us a little over a year and one round of Clomid.  And that is absolutely true.

But that year was really, really hard.  It felt unfair for me to have to wait to be diagnosed while other married couples could choose for themselves when to start a family.  We knew that it was going to be impossible without help, but we still had to wait. And maybe I was (am) naive.  I thought that our attempts at a second baby would be much easier and shorter now that we know what we're dealing with.

Wrong wrong wrong.  But in a way, I at least now feel like I can describe myself as infertile, as if I've "earned" the undesirable title.  Sure, I have a beautiful, amazing, spunky little girl, but that doesn't negate the struggle; it simply makes it worth it.  

I guess what I'm (not) getting at is that just because someone has a baby doesn't make their infertility status go away.  Infertile couples aren't just couples with empty arms because infertility does not mean impossibility, just unlikeliness.  

crossroads

I know I haven't updated this in FOREVER, but I want to try and update it more frequently. I'm not even sure if anyone reads it, but that's okay. It helps me get my thoughts out of my head.

My first post on this was one of excitement and anticipation of our wedding day. It's so funny to look back on that because it feels like many years have gone by, even though we still have a little while to go before our one year anniversary. I can remember very clearly how my days were consumed with planning. Even after the semester ended, wedding plans consumed a great deal of my time. It seemed like such a big deal then. Already, things have changed so much. I am LOVING marriage and all that it includes. Chris is a wonderful husband to me, and I love him more every day.

This is us accidentally heading for the door before Pastor Bob was done! Oops!!! (Hence my expression)

Honeymoon in Myrtle Beach

Now that we are settled into our married life, many new journeys are beginning. We have the amazing privilege of leading the youth group at our church. We are so humbled by these students. Seriously. Sometimes, the planning side of me gets aggravated when events and such do not go as smoothly as we had hoped, but I am constantly reminded of the joy it has brought me to watch the students and their passion for the Lord. These kids did not go to a Christian school and take Bible classes like I did. Their parents do not take them to church every Sunday. Their Bible study, evangelism effots, and church attendance is their choice. Many of them do it all alone - their families don't share their beliefs or support them. That is what it looks like to be a devoted follower of Christ. If only I had half of their passion at that age. I'll say it again - we are blessed.


I'll also be graduating next Spring (Lord willing!) from Rochester! I am so excited about the opportunities that my Social Work major will bring. I am so thankful that God His plan for my career, and that I finally mustered up the guts to follow (after 2 years studying Education!)

As we approach these crossroads in our lives together, one of the things we have been thinking about is starting a family. (Don't panic - I'm not pregnant. Everyone always freaks out when the subject is even hinted at.) I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. To keep things short, it's a thyroid condition that sometimes causes infertility. Because the diagnosis is so recent, we don't have very many answers, but things don't look good from where we are now. Whenever I try to talk about it, everyone tells me not to worry. "You're still young, you don't need to be thinking about kids right now." Not only does it feel like people are belittling my concerns, but I feel like people are still trying to run my life. I just want someone to listen to what I have to say, to how I'm feeling, without telling me what to do or how to think.

It's also hard to hear people talk about the troubles of parenting, or how easily they became pregnant with their kids, or how much joy it is to be a mom. I know that I'm young... we are young... but we want to have a family some day, and it's hard not to be jealous or upset sometimes. I can already feel that God is using this time of uncertainty to bring me closer to Him though. It's comforting to know that my God is bigger than any disease or diagnosis. All we can do is trust in Him.