three

This week, the hubs and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Wow! I know three doesn't sound awfully impressive, but I can hardly believe it's been that long!  

I'll be the first to admit, marriage hasn't always been a walk in the park.  Having a baby has taken the greatest toll on our marriage so far.  But, we are stronger for it.  I can honestly say that I love Chris with my whole heart.  We are better together.

Happy anniversary, love.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for our family. I love you!

away away

It's 1:41 am.  I'm sitting alone in bed by the dim light coming from the hall in a house that is more messy than it ever should be.  Chris is in Evie's room giving her a bottle and some extra cuddles.  She's been waking for bottles at night lately... a growth spurt, perhaps.  And in a few short hours, Chris will be high above us in the clouds on his way to the sunshiney South. 

And we will be here. 

I always hate the leaving, the goodbyes.  Even if it's just for a very short time.  We are better together, always.  

I think a lot of it stems from our long distance relationship/engagement days when I was away at school in Tennessee.  I can't even describe how awful it was to say goodbye to my love.  It ached, physically, in my whole being.  

I still feel part of that pain when we're separated.  As silly as it may sound, I even feel a twinge of it each day when Chris leaves for work.  I love him.  I wish we could always be together.  All the time.

We're better together.

Life Of A Pastor's Wife

So maybe you didn't know... my husband is a youth pastor.  Yep, I am a pastor's wife.

And I've got to be totally honest - being a pastor's wife really sucks sometimes.

I don't mean that in disrespect to God or the church.  I am so thankful that my husband has a job in his area of passion.  But man oh man, nobody told me what I was signing up for.

I've been struggling a lot in this role lately, so I've been looking for support on the internet.  What I have found is shocking, but also comforting in some ways. Many pastor's wives have made the comment that their husbands give their best to their ministry, leaving their family to survive on the "leftovers" or the "crumbs."  A TIME article commented that 88% of pastor's wives experience depression, and 80% feel unappreciated in their role.  They feel lonely.  Sometimes, they come to resent their husbands' commitments to ministry.

Looking back, our marriage started out full force in ministry.  We left for a week of summer camp just a couple days on our return from our honeymoon.  It was a rough beginning.  Just when it seemed like we were getting used to the time commitments and crazy schedules, we had a baby.  That's when it got especially difficult for me.  I remember when Evie was only two months old, Chris left for a week long mission trip.  The baby and I were originally supposed to go on the trip with him, but he decided that we might be a distraction to the group.  Plus, we obviously wouldn't be doing much work.  So we spent the week alone.  I cried every night.  I felt abandoned.  

Now that Everlyn is a bit older, it's been easier for me to get used to taking care of her alone while Chris runs his ministry.  I try to come to most youth events, but a baby on a nap schedule with an 8:00 bedtime often eliminates my availability.  When I do come, I sometimes feel like I am just "hired help" who is there to watch the baby and stay out of everyone's way.  I'm usually sitting on the floor in the atrium with her while everybody is in service.  

It's been lonely lately.  And yet, there aren't that many people in the same role who can possibly understand.  Furthermore, it's a delicate subject.  I can't talk too much to anyone about it because I don't want them to lose any respect for my husband, his ministry, or the church.

I don't really have any easy answers about all of this, but here are some resources I've found helpful.

The Youth Pastor's Wife

TIME

crossroads

I know I haven't updated this in FOREVER, but I want to try and update it more frequently. I'm not even sure if anyone reads it, but that's okay. It helps me get my thoughts out of my head.

My first post on this was one of excitement and anticipation of our wedding day. It's so funny to look back on that because it feels like many years have gone by, even though we still have a little while to go before our one year anniversary. I can remember very clearly how my days were consumed with planning. Even after the semester ended, wedding plans consumed a great deal of my time. It seemed like such a big deal then. Already, things have changed so much. I am LOVING marriage and all that it includes. Chris is a wonderful husband to me, and I love him more every day.

This is us accidentally heading for the door before Pastor Bob was done! Oops!!! (Hence my expression)

Honeymoon in Myrtle Beach

Now that we are settled into our married life, many new journeys are beginning. We have the amazing privilege of leading the youth group at our church. We are so humbled by these students. Seriously. Sometimes, the planning side of me gets aggravated when events and such do not go as smoothly as we had hoped, but I am constantly reminded of the joy it has brought me to watch the students and their passion for the Lord. These kids did not go to a Christian school and take Bible classes like I did. Their parents do not take them to church every Sunday. Their Bible study, evangelism effots, and church attendance is their choice. Many of them do it all alone - their families don't share their beliefs or support them. That is what it looks like to be a devoted follower of Christ. If only I had half of their passion at that age. I'll say it again - we are blessed.


I'll also be graduating next Spring (Lord willing!) from Rochester! I am so excited about the opportunities that my Social Work major will bring. I am so thankful that God His plan for my career, and that I finally mustered up the guts to follow (after 2 years studying Education!)

As we approach these crossroads in our lives together, one of the things we have been thinking about is starting a family. (Don't panic - I'm not pregnant. Everyone always freaks out when the subject is even hinted at.) I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. To keep things short, it's a thyroid condition that sometimes causes infertility. Because the diagnosis is so recent, we don't have very many answers, but things don't look good from where we are now. Whenever I try to talk about it, everyone tells me not to worry. "You're still young, you don't need to be thinking about kids right now." Not only does it feel like people are belittling my concerns, but I feel like people are still trying to run my life. I just want someone to listen to what I have to say, to how I'm feeling, without telling me what to do or how to think.

It's also hard to hear people talk about the troubles of parenting, or how easily they became pregnant with their kids, or how much joy it is to be a mom. I know that I'm young... we are young... but we want to have a family some day, and it's hard not to be jealous or upset sometimes. I can already feel that God is using this time of uncertainty to bring me closer to Him though. It's comforting to know that my God is bigger than any disease or diagnosis. All we can do is trust in Him.