it's time

I never in a million years expected that I would fall victim to postpartum depression.  And yet, it hit me hard and fast, leaving me feeling lost in the sea of motherhood.  I waited for it to go away.  When it didn't, I finally talked to my doctor about getting help.  Since then, I've been taking an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication every day.

Here I am now, over one year later, still fighting this battle daily.  The raw edge has certainly been dulled by the medication, but it is not enough.  I still struggle.

It's time to get help.

I'm looking into seeing a therapist and possibly joining a support group.  Just saying those things makes me feel so very nervous and even embarrassed.  But the truth is, this is long overdue.  I need healing.

It's time.

outpouring

My struggle with depression (post-partum or otherwise) is far from over.  It is a battle I still fight daily.  This past Wednesday was particularly difficult, though I'm not sure why.  I woke up feeling like my depression was a pot of water about to boil over.  At MOPS, I just broke down crying.  All I could think was, "I need help.  I need help."

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

At MOPS, the women at my table surrounded me with love and support.  They let me know that I was not alone.  But the amazing thing is, even more people dropped hints of encouragement and love.  People who were unaware of my struggles, who didn't see me crying at MOPS.  A friend sent me an encouraging message.  Another new friend invited Evie and I for a play date.  A great woman from church posted on facebook that she was specifically praying for people with thyroid problems who often are fighting a lonely battle.

I feel supported.  I feel hope.

God is good.

worn

I'm tired. 

I feel wilted, weak, and exhausted.  I need more energy, more joy, more purpose. 

All I want to do is sleep forever. And yet, I know I don't want to sleep my life away.

So, so tired.

I Love Her Now, But...

I read this post today.  

I wanted to cry.  Somebody else understands.

If I'm being honest, I absolutely did not feel totally "in love" with Evie when she was first born.  Not at all.  The first time Chris left me to go to work, I wanted to run away and just disappear. I had so much anxiety about caring for a new baby. And I still feel really guilty just admitting all of that. But I remember the first time I felt truly in love with her.  It was in the middle of the night.  She was probably a few weeks old.  I was in a terribly sleep-deprived blur of frustration trying to get her to sleep.  She was screaming.  I was rocking her, bouncing her, snuggling her, anything I could do.  All of a sudden, she stopped crying, and she looked up at me in the dark.  She just looked at me, and I looked back at her.  And I loved her.  I don't know why it was this moment, but it was.  That love has continued to grow and blossom ever since.  My heart now is bursting with love for my little girl.  

But I want other new mamas to know that it's okay to feel this way.  Sure, it's not something that most people want to talk about, but it's reality.  And it does get better, I promise.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  As cliche as it sounds, motherhood is absolutely the most difficult thing you will ever do.  I didn't fully believe that until I became a mom myself.  

Just remember, you're doing a great job.  Give yourself a break sometimes.