Give and Take

I've come to a very basic but very profound conclusion lately.  

It seems like everyone is looking for someone who will listen to them.

I'm not talking about someone who will just hear you out.  I'm talking about the kind of person who is willing to come into your experience and experience it with you - someone who will stand beside you and help carry your burden, or someone who will throw the party when you have a reason to celebrate.  

A true, meaningful friendship.

And I think that most people today would be hard-pressed to name someone like that in their lives.  Sure, we probably have dozens of friends, maybe even a handful of best friends.  But think about your daily conversations with people.  When they say, "How are you?" you probably respond with, "Fine."  Even if everything in your life seems to be falling apart, you try to make it seem like you have it all together.  Or maybe you say something like, "Oh, I had a really rough night with the baby." Or, "I've been so busy, I'm just really exhausted."  How do people in your life respond?

As I've paid more attention to my conversations lately, I've noticed that most people will respond to comments like that with their own baggage.  "Yeah, both of my kids were up sick last night."  Or, "My schedule has been so hectic lately, I just want to get some sleep."  Suddenly, the conversation that started with their inquiry about your life has turned to them pouring out their own problems to you.  Perhaps you then feel belittled or guilty for complaining to them about your struggles.  You probably end up walking away not feeling any better than you did before talking to that person.

Where is the benefit in relationships like that? 

I really believe that society today, through its attempts to bring people together through technology and "busy-ness" has actually driven people further apart.  Relationships are becoming a mile wide and an inch deep.  Thanks to technology, we can avoid talking to people (or heaven forbid, looking them in the eye).  But these types of "relationships" don't fulfill our emotional need for togetherness.  This comes across in our daily conversations with people.  Our life experiences - joys, hardships, struggles - come pouring out, almost uncontrollably it seems, in response to each other.  That type of conversation doesn't help heal anyone.  

So here's the challenge I have put to myself.  When someone talks to me about their life - whether the problems (or triumphs) seem big or small, I will not respond with information about my own life.  Instead, I will listen intentionally.  I will ask questions.  I will try to relate to them by understanding how they are feeling.  I will not one-up their complaints/struggles/joys with one of my own.  Instead, I will walk beside them on their own journey.

Because one day, I will need someone to walk beside me.  To listen intently.  To ask me how I'm really feeling.  And hopefully, someone will remember how I tried to be like that for them.  I know it's not going to be easy.  I'm going to mess up.  But I really think this is going to benefit my relationships.