don't let them in

I have struggled through depression ever since Evie was born.  It's not at all something I expected to come with motherhood, but I still battle it on a daily basis.  Through counseling, I have begun to recognize some of the roots of my depression - guilt, fear, judgment, anxiety.  They are the ever-present quiet voices in my mind, critiquing my every move and decision.  

You don't spend enough time playing with your daughter.  You are a distant mother.

You gave her canned soup just because it was easier for you.  That's selfish, and unhealthy.  Do you know what's in that stuff?

Everyone is staring at her throwing a tantrum in the grocery store.  You're a bad mom - control your child. 

If you take her out with you, she'll probably misbehave and cause you stress.  It's best if you just stay home.

These are the types of thoughts that constantly beat me up from the inside out.  I have never liked them, but I have always embraced them.  They are simply a part of me.  If I'm thinking them, they must be true, right? 

Wrong.

We often expect Satan to come at us with a full frontal attack.  And sometimes, he does.  But more often than not, he works in the most subtle of ways - ways that we don't even recognize.  

7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.

8 Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:7-8)

Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy us in any way we will allow him.  He is the author of lies; God is the Author of Truth.  And what does God say about me?  He calls me His child, adopted into His family.  He tells me I am loved.  He tells me that I have been made blameless in His sight through Christ.  Satan brings fear and anxiety; God is a god of perfect peace.  Because I am certain that I am a loved daughter of God, I know that these thoughts are not of Him.  Since my identity is in Christ, they are not of me, either.  I need to recognize them for what they are - lies, intruders, thieves.  The enemy.  And even though there might not be much I can do to keep them from knocking at my heart's door, I certainly don't have to let them in.  When one of these critical, guilt-ridden thoughts pops into my head, I call it as it is.  You are not of God, you are not of me.  You are Guilt, and you are of the enemy.  You are not welcome here anymore.

I'll admit that it has been difficult.  Sometimes, I find myself trying to justify the thoughts - opening the door of my heart, even just a crack.  It's almost like I can feel myself having to throw my body against the door to keep them from invading.  In desperation, I find myself turning to God: I need you now.  If this is not Truth, then show me Truth.  Replace the lies - I can't hold the door much longer.

And He has been faithful.  His voice is often quiet and still, but it is there.  It will take time for me to learn to recognize it, but I know He is there with me.  I don't have to open the door to the lies any longer.

all over again

I'm gonna go ahead and put this out there.  I'll probably regret it, and I may even end up deleting this post, but I'm feeling open right now.

We want another baby.

We've both always wanted a large family, but that became less realistic when we began our battle with infertility after we got married.  Now, we're facing that battle for the second time.  We haven't ever been preventing a second baby, but I've been taking the same fertility medication (Clomid) since January that we used to get pregnant with Evie.  There's only one difference.

It isn't working this time.

With Everlyn, all it took was the lowest dose to get things back in order in my body.  This time, that dosage didn't do the trick, so we doubled it.  So far, nothing.

I don't know what's next or where to go from here.

Now that we have Evie, I feel guilty for wanting another child.  After all, there are plenty of couples out there longing for a baby, but their arms will remain empty.  I feel selfish.  But this is how I feel, and I just need to be real about it right now.  

I expected our attempts at a second pregnancy to be less of a battle.  After all, we already knew a bit of what to expect.  Unfortunately, the emotions and struggles are just as real this time around.  I guess we'll see where things go from here.

how

Infertility.

How did I deal with it the first time around? Why does it seem harder now, even though we have been beyond blessed with the sweetest little girl?

When we were struggling with infertility the first time, I remember thinking that surely those emotions would be forever banished once we had a baby.

No more stress. No more jealousy.  No more longing.

Why was I wrong? 

A lot of people in my life who have babies around Evie's age are pregnant again.  And I feel that hole in my heart growing slowly, aching for yet another little miracle. 

It's not baby fever.  It's something deeper, darker, more painful.  I'm tired of juggling prescriptions.  I'm tired of constant doctor appointments and blood tests. 

Surprisingly, I don't find myself thinking, Why me?  Instead, doubt and guilt creep into my mind.  Maybe you weren't supposed to be a mom.

But just when I find myself in low spirits, my precious baby girl lights up my moments with smiles, laughter, and happy squeals.  She helps me remember that I am so very blessed. 

Count your blessings, Erica.  Be thankful, not bitter.  Trust.