hands and feet

It was my last semester of college.  I was sitting in the cafe between classes, half studying, half daydreaming.  A girl who I knew (but not well) walked in and was saying hi to a few people.  She had been really sick - in and out of the hospital, though I don't know why - and was just coming back to campus after a doctor visit.  All of a sudden, she didn't look so well.  She leaned over the nearest trash can and just started throwing up.

There weren't many people in the cafe at this point, so I jumped up and asked her what she needed.  Napkins.  I went to the counter, grabbed a handful, and got her a cup of water.  While this was happening, an older gentleman (a ministry student) stood up at his table and started loudly praying for her, that Jesus would help her and comfort her and bring healing.  And then he just stood there, watching her.

I remember looking at him and being so angry inside at the way he responded.  Do I believe in prayer? Absolutely.  Prayer is powerful.  But so is action.  Instead of offering help to this poor girl, this man made a show of his prayers and did nothing to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  Now I'm not saying that his intentions were wrong - I believe that he felt he was doing the right thing.  But to anyone watching, it looked like hypocrisy.  

I'm not writing this to pat myself on the back for helping this girl.  In fact, I found the whole experience to be very eye-opening.  There are so. many. times. that I offer to pray for someone in need but don't lift a finger to actually help them.  Maybe it would be inconvenient or uncomfortable or costly, but isn't that the type of life that Jesus calls me to? I say that I want to be used by God to make a difference, but I often waste the opportunities He provides.

I want to be better about this.  I want to be His hands and feet just as much (or more) than I am His mouth.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,[f] you were doing it to me!’

-Matthew 25:34-40

“I hate all your show and pretense—

    the hypocrisy of your religious festivals and solemn assemblies.

22 I will not accept your burnt offerings and grain offerings.

    I won’t even notice all your choice peace offerings.

23 Away with your noisy hymns of praise!

    I will not listen to the music of your harps.

24 Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice,

    an endless river of righteous living.

Amos 5:21-24

backtrack

I'm feeling a little guilty about some of the things I posted last night. 

Let me say, no matter what, I love my husband. Very much.  And in general, I love what we do.  I love our church, and I especially love love love the great group of students with whom we work.  Seriously, they are the best.  Top notch.

There are also so many positive sides to my husband's job.  His schedule is somewhat flexible.  When I was pregnant, he was able to come to all of our prenatal appointments.  How awesome is that? Plus, it's really great to know that he's doing what he loves.  Not many people can say that these days.  

I know there are plenty of other jobs that are so much more demanding in terms of time.  I can never imagine being a military wife or a doctor's wife.  Never.  But it's not always so much about the time or schedule.  Sure, that can be hard for us sometimes.  But I think the biggest struggle for me lately has been the emotional commitment.  Even when Chris is not at work, he is often working.  Whether it's answering emails, responding to text messages, editing videos, or prepping for the services, it seems like he is constantly doing something for his job.  And that can be taxing on him.  Most nights, he is asleep or nearly asleep shortly after 9:00.  

My "love language" is quality time, by far.  So even when Chris is home, I am easily frustrated when he is focused on work instead of just being with us.  (Much of this is something I need to work on - I know.)  But I guess I just felt like I needed to clarify some things from my last post.  I hope I didn't come across as ungrateful or rude.  I didn't mean it that way.  

Life Of A Pastor's Wife

So maybe you didn't know... my husband is a youth pastor.  Yep, I am a pastor's wife.

And I've got to be totally honest - being a pastor's wife really sucks sometimes.

I don't mean that in disrespect to God or the church.  I am so thankful that my husband has a job in his area of passion.  But man oh man, nobody told me what I was signing up for.

I've been struggling a lot in this role lately, so I've been looking for support on the internet.  What I have found is shocking, but also comforting in some ways. Many pastor's wives have made the comment that their husbands give their best to their ministry, leaving their family to survive on the "leftovers" or the "crumbs."  A TIME article commented that 88% of pastor's wives experience depression, and 80% feel unappreciated in their role.  They feel lonely.  Sometimes, they come to resent their husbands' commitments to ministry.

Looking back, our marriage started out full force in ministry.  We left for a week of summer camp just a couple days on our return from our honeymoon.  It was a rough beginning.  Just when it seemed like we were getting used to the time commitments and crazy schedules, we had a baby.  That's when it got especially difficult for me.  I remember when Evie was only two months old, Chris left for a week long mission trip.  The baby and I were originally supposed to go on the trip with him, but he decided that we might be a distraction to the group.  Plus, we obviously wouldn't be doing much work.  So we spent the week alone.  I cried every night.  I felt abandoned.  

Now that Everlyn is a bit older, it's been easier for me to get used to taking care of her alone while Chris runs his ministry.  I try to come to most youth events, but a baby on a nap schedule with an 8:00 bedtime often eliminates my availability.  When I do come, I sometimes feel like I am just "hired help" who is there to watch the baby and stay out of everyone's way.  I'm usually sitting on the floor in the atrium with her while everybody is in service.  

It's been lonely lately.  And yet, there aren't that many people in the same role who can possibly understand.  Furthermore, it's a delicate subject.  I can't talk too much to anyone about it because I don't want them to lose any respect for my husband, his ministry, or the church.

I don't really have any easy answers about all of this, but here are some resources I've found helpful.

The Youth Pastor's Wife

TIME