the details

So yes, the secret is finally out - we are expecting baby #2.  It happened just when I had about given up hope.  We were on our very last cycle of clomid before there would be a mandatory break from the medication, along with visits to a fertility specialist.  And then, on June 25, I took a pregnancy test in the wee hours of the morning.  And it was positive.

And I couldn't believe it.  As much as I wanted to break the news to Chris in some creative, special way, I couldn't contain my joy and excitement.  I ran right into the bedroom and turned on the light, startling him awake.  And then I told him.  He jumped up and was so surprised and happy right away.

Around 5 weeks, we had a blood test and early ultrasound to confirm.  I was already beginning to feel sick, so the doctor wanted to see if there might be multiple babies.  (Thankfully, no.)  Since then, we have had two more ultrasounds where we got to see our tiny peanut.  Even the second time around, it is surreal.

But ahh, the symptoms.  I have been extremely sick this pregnancy.  I was sick with Evie to the point where I vomited most days for a few early months, but it was nothing compared to this.  I have been nauseous and vomiting since week 5.  It's now week 15, and though things are getting much better, I still vomit most days.  We even had to spend some quality time in the emergency room because I was so dehydrated.  At another appointment, my urine analysis confirmed that I was spilling ketones and proteins.  Thankfully, they didn't send me back to the hospital that time.  As awful as I feel much of the time, I still can hardly believe that we have been entrusted with another tiny baby.  We are not deserving, yet God has blessed us greatly.

Our anatomy scan is coming up in a few weeks, but we are not planning to find out if we are expecting a boy or girl.  As difficult as it might be, I know it will make the birth so much more exciting.  We're just going to do a very simple, neutral nursery.  It will be lovely though.

Now that the emotional journey of infertility treatments/appointments are over for the time, I can't help but lament that this will likely be my last pregnancy.  I know that sounds selfish for me to say right now, especially with so many people struggling to get pregnant.  I don't mean it that way.  It's just that I don't want to put myself and our marriage through the emotionally exhausting regimen of fertility medication again, or at least for a very long time.  It's stressful, and it's simply not fun at all.  We do have hopes to adopt in the future, though it is a very lengthy process.  And I'm sure it's very different from pregnancy.  So for the time being, I'm trying my very best to cherish these short months and enjoy every moment as we eagerly await our miracle baby.

decisions, decisions

Well, it looks like this last Clomid cycle is a bust. Blood work will soon confirm that. The hard part now is deciding where to go from here.  I talked to someone at our insurance company today about fertility treatments.  She told me that they are not generally covered, but that I should call back with each procedure code as they come.

So there's that.

And then the idea of adopting now was sounding really good until I started looking into some agencies.  The wait time is almost three years.  Wow.

I need direction.  Where are we supposed to go from here? Both routes have the potential to be expensive, time-consuming, and ultimately a letdown.  We need to be wise about where we decide to invest our savings, efforts, and time.

If you're a praying person, please send up a quick one for us as you think of it.

our God

Before I was pregnant with Everlyn, while we were still in the pit of infertility, there were many Sunday mornings when church song lyrics really affected me and I would begin crying.  There were several songs, but the one I remember most is the song "Our God" by Chris Tomlin.

And if our God is for us, 

then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us,

then what could stand against?

I remember thinking, "God is bigger than my infertility." Over and over. And I would cry in raw longing for what I did not have.

And then, there was life in me, growing sweetly.  And I would sing those same words with my hands on my belly and think, "Thank you. Oh, thank you. You are greater."

We sang that song tonight in church.  And once again, I had to force myself to let go of the battle.  It's a losing battle when I fight it on my own anyway.  So here I am, completely vulnerable, but trusting the hands of my God who holds me close.

content

The past few months, I have really been struggling with just "letting go" of this infertility business.  Failed medication after failed medication, I was losing hope.  When the nurse called and told me that I would probably need to see a specialist, I felt stuck.  What to do? We want to adopt anyway, so wouldn't it be smarter to put money towards that instead of fertility treatments (which might not even work)?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And then suddenly, these last few days, I have started to be at peace with the struggle.  I have fertility issues.  And that's okay.

Maybe my family won't ever be quite as large as I had hoped or imagined.  Maybe I'll only get to feel those sweet little kicks in my belly one time.

At least I got to feel them one time.  Some women aren't so fortunate.

So now, I am here.  At peace, for now at least.  Content with my little family.  And although I'm not looking forward to making decisions about the next step in our journey, I can appreciate where we are right now.

feel

After so much waiting, today was the day that I was told by the nurse to take a pregnancy test to see if the Clomid had worked.

It was negative. 

Honestly, this is what I expected.  I didn't really have any reason to think otherwise.  It didn't shock me when I saw the blank window on the hpt this morning.   I didn't even cry - I just went back to sleep.

If there's one thing I've learned about infertility, it's that it is so much more than a physical struggle.  It is emotionally draining every. single. day.  

I feel as though this battle has taken so much from me, but the biggest thing I have lost is hope.  And a soul without hope is a heavy soul.  I have lost the capacity to feel the emotions as they come.  

I am numb.  Because I am tired of feeling grief.  So instead, I do not feel.

It's as if my soul has been drenched in a heavy rain.  Deep down, I know there are tears for the struggle, but they have been drowned deep beneath the surface.

I want to have permission to feel this journey, no matter where it takes me.  

infertile does not mean childless

Sometimes I feel guilty when I use the word "infertility" to describe our situation.  Many people have pointed out to me that, with Evie, it only took us a little over a year and one round of Clomid.  And that is absolutely true.

But that year was really, really hard.  It felt unfair for me to have to wait to be diagnosed while other married couples could choose for themselves when to start a family.  We knew that it was going to be impossible without help, but we still had to wait. And maybe I was (am) naive.  I thought that our attempts at a second baby would be much easier and shorter now that we know what we're dealing with.

Wrong wrong wrong.  But in a way, I at least now feel like I can describe myself as infertile, as if I've "earned" the undesirable title.  Sure, I have a beautiful, amazing, spunky little girl, but that doesn't negate the struggle; it simply makes it worth it.  

I guess what I'm (not) getting at is that just because someone has a baby doesn't make their infertility status go away.  Infertile couples aren't just couples with empty arms because infertility does not mean impossibility, just unlikeliness.  

all over again

I'm gonna go ahead and put this out there.  I'll probably regret it, and I may even end up deleting this post, but I'm feeling open right now.

We want another baby.

We've both always wanted a large family, but that became less realistic when we began our battle with infertility after we got married.  Now, we're facing that battle for the second time.  We haven't ever been preventing a second baby, but I've been taking the same fertility medication (Clomid) since January that we used to get pregnant with Evie.  There's only one difference.

It isn't working this time.

With Everlyn, all it took was the lowest dose to get things back in order in my body.  This time, that dosage didn't do the trick, so we doubled it.  So far, nothing.

I don't know what's next or where to go from here.

Now that we have Evie, I feel guilty for wanting another child.  After all, there are plenty of couples out there longing for a baby, but their arms will remain empty.  I feel selfish.  But this is how I feel, and I just need to be real about it right now.  

I expected our attempts at a second pregnancy to be less of a battle.  After all, we already knew a bit of what to expect.  Unfortunately, the emotions and struggles are just as real this time around.  I guess we'll see where things go from here.

how

Infertility.

How did I deal with it the first time around? Why does it seem harder now, even though we have been beyond blessed with the sweetest little girl?

When we were struggling with infertility the first time, I remember thinking that surely those emotions would be forever banished once we had a baby.

No more stress. No more jealousy.  No more longing.

Why was I wrong? 

A lot of people in my life who have babies around Evie's age are pregnant again.  And I feel that hole in my heart growing slowly, aching for yet another little miracle. 

It's not baby fever.  It's something deeper, darker, more painful.  I'm tired of juggling prescriptions.  I'm tired of constant doctor appointments and blood tests. 

Surprisingly, I don't find myself thinking, Why me?  Instead, doubt and guilt creep into my mind.  Maybe you weren't supposed to be a mom.

But just when I find myself in low spirits, my precious baby girl lights up my moments with smiles, laughter, and happy squeals.  She helps me remember that I am so very blessed. 

Count your blessings, Erica.  Be thankful, not bitter.  Trust. 

Another Diagnosis, Finally

I have been struggling with my Hashimoto's diagnosis for almost two years now.  I certainly felt the symptoms before that, but I was unable to give them a name.  Thanks to this autoimmune disorder, I found myself extremely exhausted all. the. time.  My hair was very dry, I was always cold, and I had some digestive issues from time to time.  Plus, Hashimoto's took away our chances of getting pregnant on our own, at least for the time being.  I've been on medication since the diagnosis.  I also see my doctor every 8 weeks or so in order to get blood work done to test my thyroid levels.  

During these last two years, I have done extensive research on autoimmune diseases.  It is very alarming how common they are becoming, especially in women.  In my research, I have found two primary ideas of thought - medicinal and natural.  I see value in both approaches, so it is difficult for me to be 100% on either side.  However, despite being on medication and seeing my levels "regulate," I still feel like a walking zombie every day.  I literally feel like I could sleep all day.  I am most awake in the evening, which is apparently opposite of a healthy person.  My thinking is foggy, and I just don't feel a zest for life anymore.  In short, I'm not feeling better.

Chris and I see a chiropractor on a fairly regular basis.  She is so passionate about naturally healing the body, and she also specializes in nutrition.  Today, she did some basic tests and told me that I am not only suffering from Hashimoto's, but from adrenal exhaustion. (I looked up the symptoms as soon as I got home - spot on.) She explained that this is what is causing me to feel so fatigued, especially in the morning after a seemingly good night of sleep.  She is ordering some herbal supplements for me to try.  As hesitant as I have been to jump on the "let nature cure you" bandwagon, I now feel that I have nothing to lose.  Doctors are clearly not getting the whole picture, and I truly feel that most prescriptions (at least, in my case) are only masking symptoms rather than treating the root cause of illness.

My herbal supplements should be here in a few days or so.  Here's hoping that there is healing in sight.