looking back

Ever since Amber joined our family, I have found myself thinking about when we first brought Evie home less than two years ago. How incredibly long each day was.  The seemingly endless crying (she was colicky, especially at night), the constant feedings, and the self-imposed hibernation period in which I didn't leave the house.  I remember feeling like that season would never end - like I would never sleep or get out of our house.  We were tired.  We were short-tempered.  I was depressed.  It was a hard season indeed.

Looking back, it passed so quickly.

I find myself struggling to remember the details of her tiny, newborn baby self.  How she smelled.  How her cries were so tiny.  How she looked when she slept.  I took hundreds of photos and several videos, but I look back at these fragmented memories and think, "I wish I had more."  

I wish I had seen more of the good in those very difficult early days.  I wish I would have been more easygoing.  

Now, my sweet Everlyn, the one who gave me the gift of motherhood, is a feisty, stubborn, tender-hearted toddler.  She repeats herself a hundred times a day, stomps her little feet when she is angry, kisses her stuffed animals when she rocks them to sleep, and loves her sister in the purest way.  She says the funniest things and has the most infectious toddler laugh.  She loves animals and the outdoors and reading.  

She is growing up so quickly. 

I completely understand now how it feels to love someone so much it actually aches sometimes.  Being a mama has shown me how that is possible.  I love to watch her grow and learn and explore, but my body physically hurts when I think about how fast these seasons come and go.  I want to be the best mama I can be, for her and for Amber.  

I love you, little bean.  Thank you for making me a mama.

mama guilt

Ever have those days where you feel like you've failed?

That's me today.

As a mom, I try to do my very best for my daughter.  I want to feed her the healthiest food, dress her in the cutest clothes, and teach her everything she needs to learn.  Sometimes, I get so caught up in these petty little things.  Yes, I want to feed my daughter healthy food, but chicken nuggets aren't going to spoil that every now and then.  And so what if her shirt has stains on it? That's not going to matter to her, so why does it matter so much to me? 

With all of these mental "must-do" lists, it's so easy to lose sight of what really matters - making sure that Evie knows she is loved unconditionally.  Am I really showing her that when I feed her organic food, or does she see it more when we snuggle and watch Sesame Street together in our pjs?  

What makes my agenda so important?

I need to let go of these things, these matters of secondary importance, and just let myself be in the moment with my daughter.  I want her to remember that we played in the leaves and read stories and built towers, not that she wore cute clothes or ate three servings of fruit everyday.  I want her to remember the love she felt.

It's not going to be an easy transition for me as the perfectionist that I am, but it starts with grace.  

Let me find grace in tomorrow.

not my child

For the longest time, I refused to put Evie in the nursery room at church.  I didn't have a legitimate reason; I just wasn't ready to let go.  When we finally did, the first few times were rough.  She cried and reached for me as I walked away.  I wanted to cry too.  Now, she (usually) goes in happily and eager to play with all of the toys.  And I still want to cry.

Why is letting go so difficult? 

It almost feels silly to write this about the church nursery - a place she visits only once a week for an hour and a half.  But as a mama, it is the first of many, many times when I will have to relinquish control of my sweet baby to the world.  The first of many "letting go's."  

But I was recently reminded from a more mature, seasoned mother that Evie is not truly my child.  She is, above all else, God's child.  His precious daughter.  I have simply been given the privilege and responsibility of raising her for a short time.  That's not something that I can easily accept, to be honest. I love this little girl with my whole being.  To think that she is only mine for a time is scary and painful. And yet, I am excited to see what God does with her little life.  I simply need to learn to let go gracefully.  After all, He will never let go of her.

what i love about you

My sweet little Evie Bean,

I can't believe how quickly you are growing and changing right before my eyes.  Your curious spirit and independent personality are showing more and more each day.  You are really starting to find your voice, too! It's amazing how much you can communicate with us, even though your language is still minimal.  

As you have grown, you have developed some adorable quirks and habits.  I don't always realize how precious these moments are because they are part of my many days with you; however, other people are always commenting on how smart and adorable you are! We can never get through the store without a stranger stopping to chat with you and tell you how beautiful you are (or how much you look like your daddy!)  

I want to remember these silly little moments with you because they are the moments that make motherhood worthwhile.  Moments pass so quickly, and I don't want to lose these precious memories.

I love the way you say hi to us when we go to get you in the morning.

I love how you stomp your little feet when you're frustrated or just being goofy with us.

I love how you say hi to everyone we pass at the store.

I love how you cuddle your tiger and your baby, mimicking the way we pat your back and kiss your face.

I love how you happily run around naked after your baths.

I love the adorable animal sounds you make! You currently know cow, monkey, pig, and duck, though you sometimes get them mixed up :)

I love how you belly laugh when Daddy bounces you on the bed, and how you immediately stand up and say, "Two!" when he's done because you want to do it again.

I love how you stand on your tip toes to reach the piano keys, and how you light up when you "play."

I love how you immediately lay on the ground when we tell you no to something you want to do.

I love the way you babble so confidently to us as if we know exactly what you are saying.

I love how you sing and dance when music comes on!

I love you so much my little bean - big as the sky!

not so baby

My baby is not really a baby anymore.

I've been thinking about this often as of late because Evie recently turned one.  In the last two months, she has started walking, communicating more, and demonstrating a lot of independence.  Girl is stubborn! But I know that can be channeled for good things in her future.

My little bean isn't so little anymore either.  Her chubby legs hang over the edge of her car seat, which is now much too heavy to tote around with her strapped in.  She can reach things on our kitchen table, and she has even started trying to climb onto the furniture by herself.

What a difference a year makes.

Sometimes I miss the baby days when I could pop her in my sling and feel her snuggled close to me.  I miss us snoozing together on the couch after a long night.  But I'm so excited to see what kind of person she's going to become.  It's scary too because I know that she is always watching me, modeling my behaviors, and picking up on my habits.  And I'm not always worthy of being modeled.  But I hope that we will continue to grow and learn together as a family.  May we have grace with her as I hope she will with us.

for the mamas

Today, we celebrate moms.

I truly believe that motherhood is the most challenging job.  And yet, it is also the most rewarding by far.

Today, we recognize the joy, hurt, sacrifice, desperation, hope, fear, and unconditional love that goes along with being a mama.  

We recognize the long nights without sleep, the lonely days that sometimes seem to fly by and sometimes seem to never end, the messes that always seem a step ahead of us.

If you are a mom, always remember that your job matters.  Even when it feels like all of your work goes unnoticed and unappreciated, you matter.  You have the most important job in the world.  God has entrusted you with caring for one of His own.

Thank you, moms, for everything that you do for your children.  You tie little shoes, wash dirty hands, prepare meals, wipe runny noses with your sleeve without thinking twice.  You give the best hugs and snuggles to your sick babies.  You sing silly songs and read stories at bedtime.  You make oatmeal and spaghetti and slice fruit just right.

And all of it matters.

Maybe you are hurting this mother's day.  Maybe you have lost a little one or suffered a miscarriage.  Maybe you've dreamed of being a mom but are still left with empty arms.  We will not forget you today because you matter too.  Never underestimate your ability to make a difference, even if it's not with children of your own.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

one

Today is one that I have seen coming for awhile, and yet, it still has taken me by surprise.

My baby is one.  As in, one year.  Say what? When did this happen?!  

On this day a year ago, I went in for a routine checkup two days past my due date.  That routine checkup turned into, "Why don't you just swing by triage to have things checked out," which suddenly became, "We're going to break your water now!"  

It seems like only yesterday, and yet, it seems so distant.  

The days may be long, but oh, time is so short with this baby girl.

Chris recently went to a youth conference where they used an illustration of a jar of marbles.  The idea was to take a jar and fill it with marbles - one for every week until your child graduates high school.  Then, at the end of each week, remove a marble from the jar.  It is meant to help parents recognize how little time they have with their children.

Today, I am down a year's worth of marbles.  And although high school graduation seems lightyears away, there was once a day when her first birthday seemed the same way.  And now here we are.

What am I going to do with the marbles we have left? The job behind such a question seems daunting, and I'm not even sure I can give a proper answer.  But I do know this - I will love my daughter deeply, I will cherish every moment, and I will do my best to teach her the responsibility of living intentionally. I want her to discover her calling and then answer it in the way only she can.

Oh, I have so many dreams for that girl.

Happy birthday, sweet Evie.  You are loved more than you'll ever know.  May we never take a moment with you for granted.

mama moments

Evie is such a Daddy's girl.  And I like that.  Baby girls love their daddies in a special way.

But sometimes, I appreciate the small mama moments, just us girls - the ones where we have a special, deeper connection.  In those moments, I truly feel that this little one loves me.  Although these special moments are rare, I cherish each one of them deeply. 

Just me and my little girl. 

finding the joy

When you have a baby, everyone wants to give you advice.  Some of it, you use.  Other bits, you smile and nod and think, I will never do that.  Although I've heard some great advice and some not-so-great advice from seasoned mothers, friends, and random people at the grocery store, there is always one thing that everyone ends with.

Enjoy it - they grow up so fast.

As I sit here typing this, I can hardly believe that I am planning my daughter's first birthday party.  She's gone from sleeping on my chest as a little peanut to taking her first steps.  I nearly cried when I had to purchase some pajamas from the "toddler" section of Carters.  Where is my baby? My sweet little bundle all wrapped up in my arms, the one I witnessed take her first breath on this earth - she has become a curious little girl with a bundle of personality just bubbling over.

And my heart aches a little.  It's not exactly a sad ache, but the type of overflowing, loving, sentimental ache that only a mother can truly understand.  It's joy and pain all wrapped up in one.  It's excitement for what's to come but longing for what has passed.  The days are often long, but oh, the time is short. 

There aren't enough moments for the love we feel for this girl.

sickness update

Sorry I've been MIA the last week, but Everlyn is still sick.  I took her to the doctor last Friday, but our normal pediatrician wasn't available.  The doctor we saw diagnosed her with a virus and croup cough.  He gave her five days of low steroids to help open her airways.  Fast forward a week and the poor girl was still so sick.  She could barely breathe because her chest was so congested, so I took her back in to see her regular doctor.  She confirmed my suspicions - it wasn't croup after all.  Although she didn't give us an exact diagnosis, she sent us home with a machine to do breathing treatments two to three times a day for at least a week.  It seems to be helping a little so far, but my little bean is still under the weather.

In other news, I am waiting to start round three of clomid after confirmation that the second attempt also failed.  The nurse told me that this would be the highest dosage.  If it doesn't work, I'll be referred to a specialist.

updates

I want to give a quick update on all things mommy-related.

First, cloth diapering.  Honestly, there isn't much to report.  We are still loving it and using cloth diapers exclusively.  We have officially run out of disposable diapers that people purchased for our shower.  We really only used them for doctor visits (for a more accurate weight) and very long days of being out. Even dirty cloth diapers have gotten easier now that Evie is eating more solid foods.  Basically, we just plop the yuck into the toilet - no dunking needed! 

Secondly, eating.  Girl loves to eat.  She has never refused any baby food we have given her, including zucchini, squash, and kale.  She is especially loving the fact that she can self-feed with puffs, yogurt melts, and small pieces of soft foods.  When we are eating, she pulls herself up next to us and whines until we give her a sample.  I'm so glad that she is not a picky eater!  We're still holding off on giving her meat for a bit longer, but I think we'll try it soon.  As far as formula goes, she is getting less and less interested in taking her bottles.  I still offer her about 25 ounces a day, but she usually doesn't take it all.

Finally, sleep.  Thank the Lord, Evie now sleeps so well at night.  It's such a drastic difference from where we used to be a few short months ago.  I feel spoiled now! She typically sleeps anywhere from 10-12 hours at night (usually about 11), and naps twice a day... sort of.  She'll typically nap in the morning for about an hour and a half.  The afternoon is a bit touch and go these days.  It often takes her a half hour or more to finally fall asleep.  Some days, she sleeps for 20 minutes; other days, she'll sleep for an hour.  It just depends.  Honestly, I think we owe so much of our recent sleep success to the book The Sleep Easy Solution.  It was a lifesaver for me.  We didn't start using the methods they described until Everlyn was a little over 8 months old.  (Up to that point, we didn't feel comfortable letting her cry at all.) But this gentle style of sleep-training only took about two fussy nights.  Now, even if Evie wakes up at night, she'll usually put herself right back to sleep after just a few moments of whining or babbling.  

I'm trying to enjoy every last moment with this sweet little girl.  She'll be turning one before too long.  How did that happen?!

she calls me mama

"For this child I prayed...."

I'm still amazed every day that we are parents.  This is our daughter.  After angry prayers, some long nights, and many tears, God gave us this beautiful baby girl.

Thank You. We are blessed.

One of my favorite little moments during my days at home with Evie is when I'm in the kitchen doing dishes or preparing dinner.  She comes loudly crawling behind me, chanting, "Ma-ma-ma-ma."  I know that she probably doesn't attach any meaning to those little babbles.

But I do. 

Yes love. I am your mama. 

Always.

I Love Her Now, But...

I read this post today.  

I wanted to cry.  Somebody else understands.

If I'm being honest, I absolutely did not feel totally "in love" with Evie when she was first born.  Not at all.  The first time Chris left me to go to work, I wanted to run away and just disappear. I had so much anxiety about caring for a new baby. And I still feel really guilty just admitting all of that. But I remember the first time I felt truly in love with her.  It was in the middle of the night.  She was probably a few weeks old.  I was in a terribly sleep-deprived blur of frustration trying to get her to sleep.  She was screaming.  I was rocking her, bouncing her, snuggling her, anything I could do.  All of a sudden, she stopped crying, and she looked up at me in the dark.  She just looked at me, and I looked back at her.  And I loved her.  I don't know why it was this moment, but it was.  That love has continued to grow and blossom ever since.  My heart now is bursting with love for my little girl.  

But I want other new mamas to know that it's okay to feel this way.  Sure, it's not something that most people want to talk about, but it's reality.  And it does get better, I promise.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  As cliche as it sounds, motherhood is absolutely the most difficult thing you will ever do.  I didn't fully believe that until I became a mom myself.  

Just remember, you're doing a great job.  Give yourself a break sometimes.

What's In A Name?

Everlyn.

So many people ask us how we came up with this name.  A few years ago, Chris and I went on World Vision's website to sponsor a child together.  The girl we chose was named Everlyn.  She was so beautiful.  Unfortunately, there was some kind of computer crash issue, and we had to select another child.  We decided right then that we loved the name and would use it if we ever had a daughter of our own.  

We still love the name Everlyn, even though some people make it painfully obvious that they don't.  (This is a typical conversation...)

Stranger: "She's so cute! What's her name?"

Us: "Everlyn."

Stranger: "Evelyn?"

Us: "No, Ev-ER-lyn."

Stranger: "Oh..."

Oh well, she's not their baby :) Anyways, the one thing that strikes me as interesting is that I can not find a meaning for the name Everlyn.  Actually, there isn't much information on it at all.  I have found some sites that say it's a boy name... go figure.  But other than that, nothing.  I have searched high and low.  At first, I was sort of bummed about this.  But then I decided that it's really cool because Evie will get to define her own name! She defines herself! So even though it will probably change as she gets older, here is what I have come up with so far:

Everlyn: inquisitive spirit; one who seeks understanding

I just love that we can adapt this as she grows and changes! 

Cloth Diapers: The Dirty Laundry

Let me preface this by saying that you should always follow the manufacturer's instructions for laundering your diapers.  This is especially important because not following those instructions usually voids any type of warranty that the diapers may have.  However, these general guidelines are typically those recommended for all cloth diapers, and they have worked well for us.

If your baby is getting solids, you'll definitely need to remove the majority of the waste before you even put your dirty diaper in the wet bag.  Do this by dunking or with a diaper sprayer.  If you are using pocket diapers (or any type of diaper with an insert), remove the dirty insert from the pocket before putting them in the wet bag.  

When you're ready to launder, there are 3 basic steps: 1. cold prewash, 2. hot wash, 3. dry.  Easy peasy.  Empty your wet bags into your washing machine as it's filling.  Toss the wet bag in with your diapers. If your machine does not have a pre-rinse option, that's okay! Ours doesn't either.  Simply turn the dial on your washer all the way to "rinse" with the temperature setting on cold.  This pre-rinse helps remove any residual waste, as well as helping to prevent stains.  When that rinse is done, turn the temperature to hot and do a regular wash.  

DO NOT USE REGULAR DETERGENT (EVEN THE GENTLE KINDS!)

Sorry to yell :) You must use a detergent that is specifically designed for cloth diapers.  Right now, we use Rock'n Green detergent, which can only be ordered online.  It comes in different scents, as well as different formulas for your water type (whether soft or hard water).  It smells a-mazing.  This chart is also extremely helpful.  It rates tons of different detergents on their cloth-diaper friendliness.  It also breaks down the cost per load, as well as listing any potentially non-cloth-diaper-friendly ingredients.  When you launder your diapers, don't use any other additives (bleach, vinegar, baking soda, fabric softener, fabric sheets, etc.)  Just keep it simple, people.  Detergent and water.  Boom.

How you dry your diapers will depend on what type of cloth diaper you use.  Any type of waterproof diaper cover must be line dried.  If you use a pocket diaper or AIO, the diaper "shells" must also be hung to dry.  However, the inserts can go in the dryer on the tumble cycle, as can prefolds and fitteds.  When choosing what brand of diapers you want to use, it's helpful to read about the drying time for the shells.  Apparently, some brands take longer to dry than others.  

If your diapers have stains even after they're washed and dried, sun them! Lay the diapers outside so that the stains are exposed to direct sunlight for a couple of hours.  Ta-da! Like magic!

One last thought... perhaps you've heard of people "stripping" their cloth diapers.  Some people do this if they feel that their diapers have a detergent buildup or if they have a faint lingering odor after washing.  While you should check with the manufacturer's suggestions on stripping your diapers, I can tell you that bumgenius recommends using one teaspoon (HE machines) to one tablespoon of original Dawn (the blue kind) and up to a 1/2 cup of bleach in a wash cycle with the diapers.  No detergent, just those two things.  The, wash twice more on hot with no detergent OR Dawn/bleach.  If you are still seeing suds on the second hot wash, do a third.  Repeat these hot water washes until you don't see any suds.  (We've been using our bumgenius diapers for 3 months now and have not had to do this, though I think I will do it soon.)

As always, feel free to ask questions!  Also, let me know if there are other cloth diapering topics I should cover!

Cloth Diapering: The Scoop on Poop

Anytime I tell someone that we use cloth diapers, they almost always say, "What do you do with the poop?"  Or they proceed to tell me how gross it is that we put poop in our washing machine.  If you're considering cloth diapering, it's important to know what kind of dirty work will be involved.

I'll be the first to admit that it is pretty gross at times. If you have a very weak stomach, maybe it's not for you.  And yes, sometimes I get poop on my hands.  But guess what? Disposable diapers can be pretty gross too, especially when they leak.

So what do you do with the poop?

If your baby is exclusively breastfed, good news! You can throw that bad boy right in your wet bag or diaper pail and into the washer.  Breastfed babies have very liquid-y poop, and it's completely water soluble, so there's no need to dunk or rinse your diaper into the toilet ahead of time.  Hallelujah!

From what I've read, the verdict is still up in the air for formula fed babies who are not getting any solids or purees.  Some moms say that they put their formula poop right into the wash, while others say they try to dunk it off in the toilet first.  We personally have no experience here because Evie didn't start formula until she was already getting solids.  If we had, I probably would have tried to rinse some of it off first, just to be safe.

Solid foods and purees make things a little more... exciting.  When your baby first starts solids, he/she will probably only be getting the purees once or twice a day.  This makes for a very unique poop.  (Think peanut butter consistency. Yum.)  At this point, it is definitely necessary to dunk/rinse your diapers before washing.  However, things are pretty "sticky," so it can be difficult.  There are a few options.  You could purchase a diaper sprayer, which attaches to the side of your toilet.  This functions like a small hose that you can spray your diapers with.  (We have not purchased one, but are considering it.)  Second, you could just dunk your diaper right in the toilet bowl and try to shake it off.  This is the method we currently use.  Typically, we flush the toilet a few times while the diaper is in the toilet bowl.  This seems to get most of the poop off.  Finally, you could use some kind of tool to scrape the poop into the toilet.  I've read about some moms who purchased a cheap spatula to use specifically for this purpose.  (Just make sure it doesn't end up in your kitchen!)

I'll try to remember to update this when Evie is getting more solid foods more often since our methods will probably have to change again.  I've read that more solid food makes for more solid poop, which isn't so sticky, so maybe it will come off easier.

So there you have it! Enough poop talk to last quite awhile.  I'm thinking that I'll post next about cloth diapering gear and detergents.  Again, feel free to ask questions!

Happy diapering!

The First Last

Well, Evie is on formula now.  After a rough week(ish) of transition, she has finally accepted it.  We did end up buying a different kind of formula since the stuff we had was soy based.  (Really gross - I tried it. I can't blame her for hating it.)  So we switched to a gentle milk-based formula, which she seems to like much better.  (Tasted that one too.  Still not great, but a definite improvement.)  She has been nursing twice a day still for her first and last feedings, but tonight, she took formula before bed instead.

It saddens me to think that I may have nursed my daughter for the last time without knowing it at the time.  I say "may have" because I might nurse her tomorrow morning.... I can't decide.  I thought I hated nursing.  I was wrong.  I hated the inconvenience of nursing.  I had to be the one to feed her, so I couldn't ever be gone for very long.  I hated trying to find private places in public settings so I could feed her in peace.  But I am going to deeply miss the bond we shared.  She has gone from a tiny life inside me, where only I could feel her 24 hours a day, to a newborn for whom I offered a special, unique comfort.  And now, that is gone.  I feel guilty for taking that away from her so soon, even though it has been longer than I intended.

And I just feel sad about it.  My baby is getting big.

When I went away to Tennessee for school, my mom wrote me a letter and left it on my bed after they had helped me move in.  I found it after they were already on their way home.  It started with, "I loved you from the moment I heard your heart beat."  She went on to talk about how my life was measured not only in a series of "firsts," but also in a series of "lasts" - the last time she rocked me to sleep, the last time we played piggy-back, the last time she tucked me in at night.  She said, "If I would have known it was the last time I would rock you, I would've rocked you a little longer.  If I had known it was the last piggy-back race, we would have played a little longer."  That's how I'm feeling right now.  If I had only known that this morning would be the last time nursing, I would've cherished it a little more.  (Which is why I'm considering nursing tomorrow morning.)  I thought that watching my baby grow and change would be happy and exciting.  It is, but it is also sad.  I wasn't ready for that.

So here we are.  The first of many lasts.