Another Diagnosis, Finally

I have been struggling with my Hashimoto's diagnosis for almost two years now.  I certainly felt the symptoms before that, but I was unable to give them a name.  Thanks to this autoimmune disorder, I found myself extremely exhausted all. the. time.  My hair was very dry, I was always cold, and I had some digestive issues from time to time.  Plus, Hashimoto's took away our chances of getting pregnant on our own, at least for the time being.  I've been on medication since the diagnosis.  I also see my doctor every 8 weeks or so in order to get blood work done to test my thyroid levels.  

During these last two years, I have done extensive research on autoimmune diseases.  It is very alarming how common they are becoming, especially in women.  In my research, I have found two primary ideas of thought - medicinal and natural.  I see value in both approaches, so it is difficult for me to be 100% on either side.  However, despite being on medication and seeing my levels "regulate," I still feel like a walking zombie every day.  I literally feel like I could sleep all day.  I am most awake in the evening, which is apparently opposite of a healthy person.  My thinking is foggy, and I just don't feel a zest for life anymore.  In short, I'm not feeling better.

Chris and I see a chiropractor on a fairly regular basis.  She is so passionate about naturally healing the body, and she also specializes in nutrition.  Today, she did some basic tests and told me that I am not only suffering from Hashimoto's, but from adrenal exhaustion. (I looked up the symptoms as soon as I got home - spot on.) She explained that this is what is causing me to feel so fatigued, especially in the morning after a seemingly good night of sleep.  She is ordering some herbal supplements for me to try.  As hesitant as I have been to jump on the "let nature cure you" bandwagon, I now feel that I have nothing to lose.  Doctors are clearly not getting the whole picture, and I truly feel that most prescriptions (at least, in my case) are only masking symptoms rather than treating the root cause of illness.

My herbal supplements should be here in a few days or so.  Here's hoping that there is healing in sight.

Recapping Christmas with Photos

Those Precious Babies

I don't want to talk too much about the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting yesterday, but I feel like I have to at least recognize what a tragic event it was.  

We don't normally watch TV around here (we don't even have cable), but I was glued to the screen all day yesterday as every channel covered the horrible story in Connecticut.  The world lost 20 precious children far too soon.  There are parents who will not celebrate this Christmas, but instead mourn the sudden loss of their babies.  Family members will grieve for the teachers and staff who lost their lives in the line of fire.  

I just can't wrap my mind around it.

The whole day, all I could do was think of my Evie.  How would I feel if she was the victim of such a horrible act? My heart broke into a million pieces just thinking about it.  I can not imagine what those parents and families are going through.  

Hug your loved ones.  Never go to bed angry.  We are not guaranteed our tomorrows.

"It's a good world gone real bad, and only Love can bring it back."

I Love Her Now, But...

I read this post today.  

I wanted to cry.  Somebody else understands.

If I'm being honest, I absolutely did not feel totally "in love" with Evie when she was first born.  Not at all.  The first time Chris left me to go to work, I wanted to run away and just disappear. I had so much anxiety about caring for a new baby. And I still feel really guilty just admitting all of that. But I remember the first time I felt truly in love with her.  It was in the middle of the night.  She was probably a few weeks old.  I was in a terribly sleep-deprived blur of frustration trying to get her to sleep.  She was screaming.  I was rocking her, bouncing her, snuggling her, anything I could do.  All of a sudden, she stopped crying, and she looked up at me in the dark.  She just looked at me, and I looked back at her.  And I loved her.  I don't know why it was this moment, but it was.  That love has continued to grow and blossom ever since.  My heart now is bursting with love for my little girl.  

But I want other new mamas to know that it's okay to feel this way.  Sure, it's not something that most people want to talk about, but it's reality.  And it does get better, I promise.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  As cliche as it sounds, motherhood is absolutely the most difficult thing you will ever do.  I didn't fully believe that until I became a mom myself.  

Just remember, you're doing a great job.  Give yourself a break sometimes.

My Week in Pictures

What's In A Name?

Everlyn.

So many people ask us how we came up with this name.  A few years ago, Chris and I went on World Vision's website to sponsor a child together.  The girl we chose was named Everlyn.  She was so beautiful.  Unfortunately, there was some kind of computer crash issue, and we had to select another child.  We decided right then that we loved the name and would use it if we ever had a daughter of our own.  

We still love the name Everlyn, even though some people make it painfully obvious that they don't.  (This is a typical conversation...)

Stranger: "She's so cute! What's her name?"

Us: "Everlyn."

Stranger: "Evelyn?"

Us: "No, Ev-ER-lyn."

Stranger: "Oh..."

Oh well, she's not their baby :) Anyways, the one thing that strikes me as interesting is that I can not find a meaning for the name Everlyn.  Actually, there isn't much information on it at all.  I have found some sites that say it's a boy name... go figure.  But other than that, nothing.  I have searched high and low.  At first, I was sort of bummed about this.  But then I decided that it's really cool because Evie will get to define her own name! She defines herself! So even though it will probably change as she gets older, here is what I have come up with so far:

Everlyn: inquisitive spirit; one who seeks understanding

I just love that we can adapt this as she grows and changes! 

Thanksgiving and a Quick Getaway

Okay, so I gave up on the thankful days.  But that doesn't mean I'm not thankful! I'm so grateful for the night that Chris and I got to get away together.  It was awesome! And Evie did great with her first sleepover at her grandma and grandpa's house! Seriously, for anyone with a baby or a baby on the way... Plan a couple's day.  Just time for you and your spouse.  When a baby enters the family, marriage changes completely.  Honestly, our marriage has never required so much effort as it does now that Evie is here.  It's not a bad thing, but we have to be more intentional in our time with each other.  The best thing you can do for your baby is to love your spouse, so don't feel guilty about making time for just the two of you.

 I'm also thankful for the time we got to spend with family on Thanksgiving.  We didn't do anything super special or out of the ordinary, but we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.  There are now four great-grandchildren (and another on the way), so the house was always buzzing with activity.  There were toys scattered all over the floor, constant crying from one baby or another, and three highchairs at the dinner table.  It was wonderful.

 Finally, I'm thankful for the love of my Savior, the One to whom I give the thanks for all of these wonderful blessings.  His love and grace are undeserved, but He gives them so freely.  

A Thankful Heart - Days 15, 16, & 17

This week has been nuts. You see, it's National Collection Week for Operation Christmas Child... yay! Since our church is serving as a Relay Center (and I am the coordinator), I have been at church every day this week collecting boxes, packing them, and organizing volunteers to help. It has been crazy and busy and stressful and wonderful. 

This morning, I arrived at church to set up for our OCC collection.  Meanwhile, our church's food pantry was buzzing with activity.  Every Saturday morning, we open our pantry to those in need.  Being the week before Thanksgiving, there were 144 families there today. Wow!  The little hallway was packed with people waiting for their number to be called so that they could "shop" our pantry.  At the same time, my volunteers and I were hauling in and packing over 130 shoebox gifts that will be sent around the world this Christmas.  

As I stood back amidst all of the busyness and chaos around me, I thought to myself, This is church.  This is what the church was meant to be.  This is real church.  

Church is not a building.  It is not a service or a worship song or an offering.  It is not a program or a sermon.  Sure, those things are good parts of being in the body of Christ, but the Church is just that - the body.  And today, I got to see that Church working hard to serve the world around us.  

It was a beautiful sight.

So today, I am thankful for my church.  I am thankful for Operation Christmas Child and the incredible ministry they have.  And I am thankful for the people of the pantry who gave up their Saturday morning to serve local families in need.

Cloth Diapers: The Dirty Laundry

Let me preface this by saying that you should always follow the manufacturer's instructions for laundering your diapers.  This is especially important because not following those instructions usually voids any type of warranty that the diapers may have.  However, these general guidelines are typically those recommended for all cloth diapers, and they have worked well for us.

If your baby is getting solids, you'll definitely need to remove the majority of the waste before you even put your dirty diaper in the wet bag.  Do this by dunking or with a diaper sprayer.  If you are using pocket diapers (or any type of diaper with an insert), remove the dirty insert from the pocket before putting them in the wet bag.  

When you're ready to launder, there are 3 basic steps: 1. cold prewash, 2. hot wash, 3. dry.  Easy peasy.  Empty your wet bags into your washing machine as it's filling.  Toss the wet bag in with your diapers. If your machine does not have a pre-rinse option, that's okay! Ours doesn't either.  Simply turn the dial on your washer all the way to "rinse" with the temperature setting on cold.  This pre-rinse helps remove any residual waste, as well as helping to prevent stains.  When that rinse is done, turn the temperature to hot and do a regular wash.  

DO NOT USE REGULAR DETERGENT (EVEN THE GENTLE KINDS!)

Sorry to yell :) You must use a detergent that is specifically designed for cloth diapers.  Right now, we use Rock'n Green detergent, which can only be ordered online.  It comes in different scents, as well as different formulas for your water type (whether soft or hard water).  It smells a-mazing.  This chart is also extremely helpful.  It rates tons of different detergents on their cloth-diaper friendliness.  It also breaks down the cost per load, as well as listing any potentially non-cloth-diaper-friendly ingredients.  When you launder your diapers, don't use any other additives (bleach, vinegar, baking soda, fabric softener, fabric sheets, etc.)  Just keep it simple, people.  Detergent and water.  Boom.

How you dry your diapers will depend on what type of cloth diaper you use.  Any type of waterproof diaper cover must be line dried.  If you use a pocket diaper or AIO, the diaper "shells" must also be hung to dry.  However, the inserts can go in the dryer on the tumble cycle, as can prefolds and fitteds.  When choosing what brand of diapers you want to use, it's helpful to read about the drying time for the shells.  Apparently, some brands take longer to dry than others.  

If your diapers have stains even after they're washed and dried, sun them! Lay the diapers outside so that the stains are exposed to direct sunlight for a couple of hours.  Ta-da! Like magic!

One last thought... perhaps you've heard of people "stripping" their cloth diapers.  Some people do this if they feel that their diapers have a detergent buildup or if they have a faint lingering odor after washing.  While you should check with the manufacturer's suggestions on stripping your diapers, I can tell you that bumgenius recommends using one teaspoon (HE machines) to one tablespoon of original Dawn (the blue kind) and up to a 1/2 cup of bleach in a wash cycle with the diapers.  No detergent, just those two things.  The, wash twice more on hot with no detergent OR Dawn/bleach.  If you are still seeing suds on the second hot wash, do a third.  Repeat these hot water washes until you don't see any suds.  (We've been using our bumgenius diapers for 3 months now and have not had to do this, though I think I will do it soon.)

As always, feel free to ask questions!  Also, let me know if there are other cloth diapering topics I should cover!

A Thankful Heart - Days 12, 13, & 14

Okay, time to triple up.  I officially fail.

First off, I am so thankful for my husband's job.  I'll admit, it can be very frustrating at times, especially with his schedule, but I'm thankful that he works so hard to provide for our family.  I'm also very happy that he has a job he loves - so many people don't.

Second, I am thankful for our car!  When we got married, we drove Chris' 1997 Mercury Cougar.  It was tough sharing a car, so we were thrilled to get a second, more reliable (read: baby friendly) car this past Spring.  As luck would have it, the Cougar died just a few short weeks later.  At first I was kinda bummed, but then I realized that I should be thankful that we had already purchased another car!  

Finally, and in keeping with the theme, I am thankful for our neighbors/fellow church staffers/friends Jimmy and Ashley.  I mention them specifically because Jimmy has been driving Chris to work most mornings, which saves me from having to wake Evie early just so we can drop him off.  It has really been very helpful to us, and I am thankful that Jimmy is so willing to do it!

A Thankful Heart - Days 10 & 11

It's Veteran's Day.  Needless to say, I am extremely grateful for our veterans and for those who are currently serving in our armed forces.  It's something I can never imagine doing, so I have the utmost respect for those who risk their lives to defend our freedoms.  I can't help but think of the families - the wives and children, moms and dads, siblings - who watch their loved ones walk away, not knowing when or if they will return.  

I just can't imagine.

Making up for yesterday, I also want to say how grateful I am for many of life's basics, like clean water and electricity.  When I was at a craft show yesterday, I bought a Ugandan bracelet from a wonderful man.  He and his wife buy these bracelets from women in Uganda, thus providing them with an income.  Then, they sell the bracelets and use the money to adopt children from Uganda.  (They have already adopted three!)  When I visited their family website, his wife wrote about how their two most recently adopted children were living in awful conditions.  She described them digging through garbage for food and roaming in streams of raw sewage.  Prior to being selected for adoption, these children did not know of electricity or plumbing.  

Say what?! Yeah. Here in America, we often feel like our lifestyle is the norm.  We don't think of ourselves as being so incredibly wealthy compared to the rest of the world.  Imagine your life without running water and electricity - yikes!  So today, as silly as it may sound, I am thankful to have a toilet that flushes, a hot shower each day, clean water to drink, light for my home, heat, and all of the other "basics" that aren't so basic for much of the world.  

Cloth Diapering: What You Need

Sorry it's been so long since I addressed the cloth diapering topic!  We have already discussed types of cloth diapers and "the scoop on poop."  Now, I want to tell you about some other gear that you may find helpful should you choose to cloth diaper your baby.

Wet Bags.  No matter what kind of diaper you choose, these are pretty much essential unless you plan on using the old school pail method.  Wet bags are cloth bags that have a waterproof PUL lining.  After you change a dirty cloth diaper, you throw away the wipes and put the diaper in the wet bag.  When you're ready to wash, you simply dump the diapers right into the washing machine and toss the wet bag in with them.  Some larger wet bags even have a separate pocket for you to put clean diapers in.  Right now, we have a large wet bag that hangs in our bathroom and a smaller one that we bring in our diaper bag when we go out.  We're actually considering buying another one so that we'll always have one clean.  (We put dirty diapers in plastic bags when the wet bag is being washed.)

Cloth Diaper Detergent. Cloth diapers must be washed with specially formulated detergents.  Washing them in other detergents could ruin the diaper.  (More on laundering later.)

Diaper Sprayer.  I talked a little about these during our poop discussion.  They are definitely not a necessity, but I've heard that they can be quite handy. (We don't have one yet.) These are sprayer hoses that attach directly to your toilet.  When your baby poops, you use the sprayer to help remove the waste right into the toilet so that you can flush it away! If you plan on breastfeeding exclusively the whole time that you use cloth diapers, you don't need one of these since breastfed poop is water soluble.

Drying Rack/Clothesline.  Any kind of cloth diaper will have at least some component that must be air dried.  Prefolds and fitted diapers can go in the dryer, but their waterproof covers must be line dried. Pocket diapers and AIOs have the outer "shell" that must be line dried.  We actually have a clothesline in our basement that we use to dry diapers.  During the summer, sunning your diapers outside will remove any stubborn stains.  Simply lay/hang your stained diapers in direct sunlight for a couple of hours and voila! 

There are a number of other products that are available, but they are not necessary.  Start out simple and then determine what other gear you might need.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

A Thankful Heart - Days 8 & 9

Yep, doing two things since I forgot yesterday. Fail. 

Today, I am thankful for times of solitude and silence.  Being so very introverted, I am completely refreshed after some alone time.  I look forward to long car rides because I know I'll get the opportunity to just sit and think and just be.  Now that we have a baby, those times are a bit more few and far between.  That's okay.  In fact, it makes them all the more meaningful, and it makes me so much more thankful for them.

I am also thankful for times of utter chaos and stress.  (Hey, being thankful for them doesn't mean I enjoy them.)  I often worry so much over things that end up being very petty and small in light of eternity.  Each of these times helps me to grow as a person and as a follower of Christ.  I am learning to rely on Him during times of struggle, confusion, and stress.  

A Thankful Heart - Day 7

Wednesdays can be just wonderful sometimes.

This morning, I went to a MOPS meeting.  It's so nice to connect with other moms and share our experiences.  I'd really like to become good friends with some of these women, especially those in my small discussion group.  They are so uplifting, funny, and just real.  I really like them.

I also had the high school girls' small group this evening.  I just tow Evie along with me - it's really casual and fun.  Right now, we're working through The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  I just love hearing these girls encourage each other (and me) through their kindness and their spiritual maturity.  They are so great.

Today, I'm thankful for the true fellowship that I have experienced within these groups.  It's good to know that we are not alone in this crazy life.  We have each other.

The Unavoidable Questions

When are you getting married? 

Then you get married.

When are you going to have a baby?

So you have a baby.

Ready for number two?

Sheez louise people! Evie will only be 6 months tomorrow, but I've already heard this question from countless people.  The truth is, I would be thrilled to have another baby sometime in the near future.  Unfortunately, another baby will probably require careful planning, medical assistance, and several doctor appointments.  It's somewhat exhausting when I think about all of the effort that went in the first time, so thinking of doing all that again definitely puts a damper on my spirits.  Sometimes, I feel guilty or even greedy when I think about wanting another baby.  I know of so many couples who are still hoping, praying, and trying for their first baby.  

We have already been so blessed with our daughter.  Is it wrong for me to dare hope for more children?

And then I also think of what a journey motherhood has been.  Between a difficult recovery, a very needy newborn who cried all night, and the battle of PPD, I sometimes question my strength as a mother.  Do I have what it takes? Or, as Time magazine put it, am I mom enough? I want to be. 

For now, I will continue to enjoy the blessings and joys of my beautiful daughter. She was worth the wait.  And even if she ends up being our only child, we will be blessed more than we ever deserved.

A Thankful Heart - Days 5 & 6

I knew it wouldn't be long before I got a little behind with these, so today I'm giving two things for which I'm thankful.  First I'm thankful for my incredible family.  My mom has always been my biggest cheerleader and my greatest support.  She is funny but can be serious when it's necessary.  She's been such a great mom to both my brother and myself.

My brother and I didn't get along very well when we were younger, but I truly believe that we have become good friends.  He has been there for me during some rough times when I really needed it.  He's an incredibly hard worker, and I admire him for that.

Secondly, I am so thankful today to live in a country where we have the right to vote.  More than that, I am thankful for the other freedoms we have - freedom of speech, freedom to pray... the list goes on.  These are freedoms that are denied to many around the world.  No matter what the outcome of the election is, I am proud (and thankful) to be an American.

A Thankful Heart - Day 4

Today, I am thankful for my friends.  

Getting married in college and having a baby soon after isn't the best recipe for making and/or keeping friends.  I don't think it's anything personal, it's just that most people my age are living in a very different season of life.  And that's good.  But sometimes, it's hard.

But I do have a few amazing friends who have been by my side all along.  These are the friends who don't care that my baby is screaming or that my house is messy.  They don't care if my husband is home when they come over.  I feel like I can relax around them.  It's so nice.

So here's to you, friends. Thank you for being there. You know who you are.

(Special shout out to my very best friend Alyssa... Thanks for keeping me company tonight at church.)

Why I Chose A Hospital Birth

There once was a man whose city was flooding after a terrible storm.  Authorities had warned people to evacuate, but the man decided to stay, trusting that God would protect him. The waters kept rising, so the man climbed up to his rooftop.  A boat came by, and rescuers told the man to get in.  "No thanks," he said. "My God is so powerful. He will save me!"  So the boat went on its way, and the waters rose.  Awhile later, another rescue boat came by.  When offered a ride, the man replied, "No thanks. I'm praying to God, and He will save me." So the boat journeyed on.  Soon after, a helicopter flew over the man's house, and the pilot dropped the ladder for the man to get in.  The man said, "No thank you! I have faith that God will protect me."  So the helicopter reluctantly left.  The flood waters eventually rose to the rooftops. The man was swept away and drowned.  When he got to heaven, he said, "God, I served you faithfully throughout my life.  I trusted that you would save me in the storm.  Why didn't you?"  God replied, "Son, I gave you a warning.  I sent two boats and a helicopter.  What more did you expect?"

* * * * *

When I was deciding what kind of birth experience I wanted, a home birth intrigued me.  For one, it meant that I would be forced to avoid pain medication, which I was hoping to do anyway.  Second, it meant that I would be in the comfort of my own home instead of a hospital bed.  It also meant less pressure to make quick decisions about vaccinating my baby.  It seemed appealing in some ways.  But one question constantly nagged at me...

What if?

What if there is an emergency? What if the birth doesn't go smoothly? What if my baby has complications and needs immediate medical attention? Although there were no indicators of any such things, I couldn't help but think about it.  As a Christian, I thought, "I can trust God.  He will protect me and my baby."  But then this modern day parable came to mind.  Perhaps God would have allowed a home birth to go perfectly for me.  But maybe not.  Maybe there would be problems.  I imagined myself in this fictional man's shoes, standing before God.  "Why didn't you save me?" And I imagined God replying, "My child, you have a great doctor and great insurance.  You have wonderful hospitals with amazing medical technology.  What more did you expect?" 

I am by no means saying that this is how God would actually reply.  I have no idea.  But I couldn't shake this parable from my mind.  Being that this would be my first delivery, I decided to deliver in a hospital with a NICU.  Just in case.  And it worked out great for us.  It might not be right for everybody, and that's okay.  I'm not saying that I'll never give birth at home.  It just wasn't meant for me this time.  

Ultimately, my advice is this: if you're a pregnant mother, consider all of your options before making a decision.  Pray, pray, pray about it.  Talk to other people about their different experiences.  You are the only person who knows what is best for you and your baby.  Don't let anyone pressure you one way or another.  You can do it!

A (Sad) Thankful Heart - Day 3

About two weeks after I had Evie, a girl from my high school had her first baby - a boy.  He was born with some heart complications, giving his family a very rocky start to parenthood.  He had several heart surgeries and procedures to try and correct the problem.  (I am very good friends with her cousin, who goes to my church.) This morning, I found out that this adorable baby boy passed away unexpectedly.  I don't know all the details, but I can't even imagine the sense of loss and devastation that they are experiencing at this very difficult time. 

After the initial shock, it occurred to me that I am not guaranteed tomorrow with my sweet baby girl.  I wasn't planning to post about how thankful I am for her until later in the month, but today's events have changed my mind. 

I'm thankful for the privilege to even be her mother.  I wasn't sure that we'd ever be blessed with a baby  of our own, but she has fulfilled that longing in my heart.  I'm thankful for her drooly smiles, her heart-warming giggles, her happy babbles, and her curious personality.  I'm also thankful for the long nights, messy diapers, frustrating feedings, and lengthy crying spells.  Yes, these things can be draining, but they are simply reminders that I am a mama to an amazing daughter.

.  

Thank you, Lord, for the incredible blessing of our beautiful baby girl.  Thank you for entrusting her into our care.  Help us to be parents who model what it means to passionately pursue You.  Help us to love her the way that You have loved us as your children.

A Thankful Heart - Day 2

Today, I am thankful for food. Yep.

(I think I chose food because I'm really hungry right now.)

I'm by no means a good cook.  I pretty much fail, actually.  But I'm blessed to never go hungry.  I can simply go to our fridge or cupboard and pull out something to eat.  And although that may sound so simple and small, it's a blessing denied to many.  I can't even imagine what it's like to be a mother who is unable to feed her children.  It must be so devastating to have to send your child to bed hungry.  I'm so thankful that I don't have to know what that feels like.  

Thank you, God, for giving us enough to eat.  Help us to be generous to others as You have been so generous to us.

A Thankful Heart - Day 1

I know this isn't exactly an original idea, but I want to focus on things for which I am thankful during the days leading up to Thanksgiving.  I feel like I often treat my blog as a vent, a catch-all for my emotions and frustrations.  But for the next few weeks, I just want to take a little time to reflect on how blessed I truly am.  I'll still post on other topics like motherhood, cloth diapering, and my life in general, but I will try to also do one post a day on something that God has blessed me with.  Some may be big, others small, but I'm truly thankful for each of them.

So today, I want to say how incredibly blessed I am by my wonderful husband.  He has always treated me so wonderfully, responding to my sensitive heart with gentleness and care.  He works so faithfully in his ministry, not only to provide for our family, but also because he truly cares about the youth in our church.  He's handsome, he's silly, he's kind, he's loving, and he's an awesome father to our sweet daughter. He picks up my slack without complaining. (He even does the laundry!) I am thankful for the years I have been privileged to know him, date him, marry him, and start a family with him.  It is truly a blessing to be his wife.

What a stud!

Just babes! 

I DO!

I love you Chris!

Evie's First Halloween

Happy Halloween!

We took Evie trick-or-treating to a few houses with some of our friends from church who live in our neighborhood.  Of course, the candy is for us!  But she looked so adorable!  After our costume success this year, I'm thinking we should always have a family costume theme.  (I'm sure that won't be cool in a few years, but hey, a mama can dream.) Both of our moms came over to pass out candy while we were out.  It was pretty cold and rainy, but it will be memorable.

Enjoy your candy! 

for the mamas

This post is so good, I had to share.

Indian Summer

What a most lovely day.  Lots of sunshine, beautiful Autumn colors, and a breath of Summer warmth.    It was literally perfect.  I wish I could've been outside all day.  Chris and I did enjoy a wonderful outdoor lunch together while Evie was napping.  It was so refreshing.

Evie had her lunch outside, too.  (Yes, she was still in her PJs.  Mom fail.)

I took Evie for a walk this afternoon.  I even went barefoot - that's how warm it was!  I was thinking about how much I enjoyed Fall weather like this.  And then I started feeling sad because I knew that Winter will soon be here.  The days will be very cold and short.  The growth and beauty of the outdoors will be masked with white.  Even though Winter comes with great times of family and celebration, it leaves me longing for Summer and sunshine.  

And then I got to thinking... as much as I dislike Winter, I need to appreciate it.  Why?  Because Winter is what makes Summer so wonderful.

Think about it - if it was sunny and 75 every day, we would not truly recognize how great the season of Summer is!  In the same way that death is what makes life meaningful, Winter is what makes Summer beautiful. So thanks, Winter, for working so hard to make Summer look good.

And now, a few pictures from this beautiful day.

Great Expectations

I have been thinking a lot lately about what kind of mother I am.  And what kind of mother I want to be.  I am a people pleaser, so every time someone tells me what I should be doing for my daughter, I feel like I have to do that thing so that I will have their approval.

So that they'll think of me as a good mom.

Am I a good mom? This question haunts me sometimes when I'm feeling at my lowest.  When I am tired or upset and Evie is screaming.  Am I a good mom?

Part of it is my nature to please, to be the best, to gain approval.  But I also blame our society.  Being a "good mom" now means doing everything organic.  It means loving motherhood at all times.  It means taking artsy family pictures and putting them up for everyone to see your happy family.  

Ultimately, it can mean putting on a show.

I never see people blogging about how they fed their kids McDonalds for dinner, even just once.  I don't read about how frustrating a crying baby can be.  I don't see pictures of moms in sweats or without makeup.  

And I often ask myself - Is this how people really live? And why can't I seem to pull it off?

But I think the truth is that most people don't live that way, at least, not all of the time.  Maybe we're all too busy trying to act like we've got it together.  Maybe we need to tell each other that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes.  It's okay to choose convenience once in awhile.  It's okay not to always be picture perfect.

Life is messy.  It hurts sometimes.  But if we aren't willing to admit that, then there is no growth, no healing.  

Our babies aren't necessarily going to remember that we fed them homemade organic baby food.  They won't dwell on the fact that we sang them lullabies or dressed them in trendy clothes.  Instead, they'll remember how we made them feel, what we taught them, and the time we shared with them.  That time can be just as well spent eating chicken nuggets as it can over a home cooked meal. 

From now on, let's just keep it real.  

Cloth Diapering: The Scoop on Poop

Anytime I tell someone that we use cloth diapers, they almost always say, "What do you do with the poop?"  Or they proceed to tell me how gross it is that we put poop in our washing machine.  If you're considering cloth diapering, it's important to know what kind of dirty work will be involved.

I'll be the first to admit that it is pretty gross at times. If you have a very weak stomach, maybe it's not for you.  And yes, sometimes I get poop on my hands.  But guess what? Disposable diapers can be pretty gross too, especially when they leak.

So what do you do with the poop?

If your baby is exclusively breastfed, good news! You can throw that bad boy right in your wet bag or diaper pail and into the washer.  Breastfed babies have very liquid-y poop, and it's completely water soluble, so there's no need to dunk or rinse your diaper into the toilet ahead of time.  Hallelujah!

From what I've read, the verdict is still up in the air for formula fed babies who are not getting any solids or purees.  Some moms say that they put their formula poop right into the wash, while others say they try to dunk it off in the toilet first.  We personally have no experience here because Evie didn't start formula until she was already getting solids.  If we had, I probably would have tried to rinse some of it off first, just to be safe.

Solid foods and purees make things a little more... exciting.  When your baby first starts solids, he/she will probably only be getting the purees once or twice a day.  This makes for a very unique poop.  (Think peanut butter consistency. Yum.)  At this point, it is definitely necessary to dunk/rinse your diapers before washing.  However, things are pretty "sticky," so it can be difficult.  There are a few options.  You could purchase a diaper sprayer, which attaches to the side of your toilet.  This functions like a small hose that you can spray your diapers with.  (We have not purchased one, but are considering it.)  Second, you could just dunk your diaper right in the toilet bowl and try to shake it off.  This is the method we currently use.  Typically, we flush the toilet a few times while the diaper is in the toilet bowl.  This seems to get most of the poop off.  Finally, you could use some kind of tool to scrape the poop into the toilet.  I've read about some moms who purchased a cheap spatula to use specifically for this purpose.  (Just make sure it doesn't end up in your kitchen!)

I'll try to remember to update this when Evie is getting more solid foods more often since our methods will probably have to change again.  I've read that more solid food makes for more solid poop, which isn't so sticky, so maybe it will come off easier.

So there you have it! Enough poop talk to last quite awhile.  I'm thinking that I'll post next about cloth diapering gear and detergents.  Again, feel free to ask questions!

Happy diapering!

Cloth Diapering: Types of Dipes

We've been cloth diapering for almost 6 months now, and we're still going strong!  A lot of people have said, "Teach me," so I figured I would do a few posts on some of the basics.  But hey, cut me a break because we're still learning too :)

I thought about starting out with a post that describes the benefits of cloth diapering.  It can be much more cost effective, it's environmentally friendly, and it's generally better for babies.  However, there are already other blogs and sites that will even do a cost breakdown comparison of disposables vs. cloth diapers, so I figured I don't have to.  Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!  Besides, if you are reading this, you are probably already convinced.

When thinking about what type of cloth diapers you want to buy, it's important to consider your needs. Are you going to CD (cloth diaper) full time? Are you looking for the least expensive option? Do you want a diaper that will grow with your child, or would you prefer sized diapers?  All of these things will help determine which type of diaper is best for you.

There are 4 main types of cloth diapers.  I have them listed from most primitive (and generally cheapest) to the fanciest.

Prefolds and Covers:  In short, these are probably the kind of diapers that your grandma used.  They look like big burp cloths until you pre-wash and dry them several times, which makes them appear more thick and quilted.  The prefolds themselves can be folded a variety of ways.  Although people used to use pins to fasten the diaper, snappi clips have generally taken their place.  Once the diaper is fastened, a waterproof cover (snap or velcro) goes on top.

Fitteds and Covers: These diapers are made of the same absorbent material as prefolds, but they require no folding! That's because they're already shaped as a diaper with fasteners.  However, they still require the use of a waterproof cover.

Pocket Diapers: Pocket diapers are a step above fitted diapers because they don't require the use of a waterproof cover.  Instead, the diaper has a microfiber inside that draws moisture away from the baby's skin.  A diaper liner, which is a narrow strip of absorbent material, goes inside a pocket that is built into the diaper.  The diaper may be double-stuffed for nighttime usage.  These generally keep your baby feeling more dry than a prefold or a fitted diaper would as well.

All-In-Ones: "AIO" diapers are really just glorified pocket diapers.  The main difference is that there is no stuffing involved.  The liner that would normally go inside a pocket in a pocket diaper is attached to the diaper.  (It is often referred to as a soaker.) I think most of them do have a pocket opening for additional "stuffage" (new word).

So there you have it! These are the very basics of cloth diapering.  So far, we have used prefolds/covers and pocket diapers.  I'm planning to do some more posts about cloth diapering, but if you have specific questions that you want answered, just leave a comment!

Quick Pic

What a beautiful Fall day here in the mitten!

The First Last

Well, Evie is on formula now.  After a rough week(ish) of transition, she has finally accepted it.  We did end up buying a different kind of formula since the stuff we had was soy based.  (Really gross - I tried it. I can't blame her for hating it.)  So we switched to a gentle milk-based formula, which she seems to like much better.  (Tasted that one too.  Still not great, but a definite improvement.)  She has been nursing twice a day still for her first and last feedings, but tonight, she took formula before bed instead.

It saddens me to think that I may have nursed my daughter for the last time without knowing it at the time.  I say "may have" because I might nurse her tomorrow morning.... I can't decide.  I thought I hated nursing.  I was wrong.  I hated the inconvenience of nursing.  I had to be the one to feed her, so I couldn't ever be gone for very long.  I hated trying to find private places in public settings so I could feed her in peace.  But I am going to deeply miss the bond we shared.  She has gone from a tiny life inside me, where only I could feel her 24 hours a day, to a newborn for whom I offered a special, unique comfort.  And now, that is gone.  I feel guilty for taking that away from her so soon, even though it has been longer than I intended.

And I just feel sad about it.  My baby is getting big.

When I went away to Tennessee for school, my mom wrote me a letter and left it on my bed after they had helped me move in.  I found it after they were already on their way home.  It started with, "I loved you from the moment I heard your heart beat."  She went on to talk about how my life was measured not only in a series of "firsts," but also in a series of "lasts" - the last time she rocked me to sleep, the last time we played piggy-back, the last time she tucked me in at night.  She said, "If I would have known it was the last time I would rock you, I would've rocked you a little longer.  If I had known it was the last piggy-back race, we would have played a little longer."  That's how I'm feeling right now.  If I had only known that this morning would be the last time nursing, I would've cherished it a little more.  (Which is why I'm considering nursing tomorrow morning.)  I thought that watching my baby grow and change would be happy and exciting.  It is, but it is also sad.  I wasn't ready for that.

So here we are.  The first of many lasts.

Defeated

I have post-partum depression.

There, I said it.

It's not that I am embarrassed or ashamed of it, it's just that (like most depressed people, I'm guessing) I try to hide it when I'm around people.  I don't know why.  I think a lot of people see depression as something to just "get over."  I think I used to see it that way too.  But it's not like that at all.

PPD was something I knew about, but I never expected that it would happen to me.  My pregnancy was not particularly difficult.  I loved being pregnant.  Stressful? Yes - being in school full-time through those 9 months was a little rough.  But everything else went smoothly.  And we had waited so long for a baby.  We were thrilled to be pregnant.  So where did the sadness come from?  I remember sobbing as we were preparing for discharge from the hospital.  I couldn't pinpoint exactly why, but I was terrified to go home with this little person whom I felt I didn't know at all.  How would I know what to do with her?  And when Chris went back to work, I sobbed.  I was so scared to be solely responsible for our daughter.  I don't know why I felt that way, but it was completely overwhelming.

I finally talked to my doctor about a month or so later, and she prescribed a very low dosage of Zoloft.  After a few weeks, the immense anxiety I had started to fade.  I wasn't afraid to leave the house with Evie anymore.  (Prior to that, I literally did not leave our house.  Ever.)  But the deep sense of emptiness remained.  

It still does.  

I don't know why.  I love Everlyn so so much.  I love being a mom.  But it's almost as if I feel hopeless and alone.  Empty.  I wake up every day completely exhausted.  Even the simplest of tasks seem to drain all of my energy.  I feel like I could sleep all day and all night.  I hate it.

Through all of this, I have questioned God so many times.  I have thought that He was punishing me, perhaps for wanting a baby I was never supposed to have.  I know in my head that God is good and loving and gracious, but it's hard to think that way when I don't feel those things.  I don't feel loved, I feel abandoned.  I don't feel His goodness, I feel punished.  I know that feelings are not reliable measures of truth, but they sure are strong.  And it's really hard to look past them.  I'm doing my very best to trust what I know of God's character as opposed to how I feel, but I struggle.  I'm trying to constantly thank Him for the good things in my life, especially for my sweet baby girl.  She is truly a blessing, no matter how I am feeling.  

I know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, I just wish I could see it.  

Rough Week

So much has happened these past few days.  Chris' grandma passed away last Thursday.  She had been battling cancer for several years, but it recently spread to her brain and things took a quick turn.  When I was younger, I had a hard time understanding the "big deal" of a grandparent dying.  Then, my grandfather died suddenly from leukemia.  It was awful.  I think the hardest part of this week for me has been knowing that Chris was feeling that kind of sadness.  I just wish there was more for me to do for him.

I also started the slow, agonizing process of weaning Evie this weekend.  I figured it would be a good time since my mom was going to be watching her during the viewing and the funeral.  Wrong wrong wrong.  She hates it.  Absolutely hates it.  And I feel really terrible for putting her through this.  Yes, I made it 5 months nursing her exclusively.  That's longer than I originally hoped.  But I feel so selfish for taking this away from her.  She loves nursing.  She screamed for almost two full days while we tried to introduce her to formula.  Her fussiness, my guilt, and the sadness of last week's events made me an emotional basket case.  I just felt like I was being a bad mom.  She's still not happy with the bottle, but I can usually get her to take at least a few ounces of formula at a time.  I still nurse her first thing in the morning and right before bed though.  I hope it gets better soon.

Here's looking forward to a new week.

Thought Vomit

That's literally what this post is... my mind has upheaved all of these thoughts, so I'm sorry if they don't make sense.  I just really need to get them out, sort through them somehow.

Somehow.

I have always wanted a lot of children.  I've pictured my home being loud, crazy, busy, messy... everything that comes with having a large family.  Most of all, I pictured motherhood being the final piece of me that has always been missing - like the fulfillment of myself, or the culmination of "Erica" and all that entails.  It's as if I expected to become a mother and then just sigh and say, "Finally, I am what I was made to be. I am doing what I was made to do."  And I love love love being a mother.  I have never experienced so much love as I have for Evie.  It is such an overwhelming love.  But it hasn't fulfilled me in the way I expected.  In fact, I feel that the longing inside myself to become more "me" has grown even stronger since Everlyn was born.  Instead of that fulfilled, content sigh of relief, something is constantly nagging in my mind saying, "Motherhood is so wonderful for you.  But you were meant to live so much bigger than this.  Don't think so small." I don't know what that means.  And I feel like I'm going to go crazy more and more each day until I figure it out.  

I also feel like the curtain has been pulled back for me in many areas of faith.  It's as if I see the "dark side" of Christianity for what it really can be.  I sometimes look through the atrium in our church and see a crowd of people pretending to have everything together, pretending to be happy in front of each other.  A fear of brutal honesty, perhaps.  I don't know.  Maybe everyone is afraid to admit that they're not okay because it feels like admitting failure.  Is that what it's all about? Is that what I will look back at the end of my life and remember my church experience to be? Will I remember the exhausting pressure to put on my happy-pastor's-wife face?

Maybe I'm just in a rut, a funk, whatever.  Maybe I'm going through some kind of intense period of personal growth.  I have no idea.  I just know that I feel increasingly more restless and discontent with myself (but not with my life or my family - just with who I am versus what I am supposed to be... if that makes sense.)

Right now, I don't know what else to do but wait.  Wait for clarity, wait for these feelings to go away, I'm not sure.  I'm waiting, but I don't know what I'm waiting for.  So here I am.  If I figure it out, I'll let you know.

A Bug and the Little Bean

Chris has been battling some kind of cold/scratchy throat bug lately.  To avoid a sick baby (and a sick me), I have taken matters into my own hands.  I started my morning with some hot tea.  My throat was feeling itchy, so I wanted to bite any illness in the bud.

While the little bean was playing, I whipped up some more avocado puree for her this week.  (Yay for my Baby Bullet!)

[What a happy, messy girl!]

Then I decided to wipe down every surface that I think Chris may have touched in the last 48 hours or so with hot water and Lysol.  Normally, I clean with only natural products (vinegar, baking soda, etc.) But I'll use Lysol when I really need to disinfect. 

Hopefully, Chris will be better very soon because we're going to Frankenmuth tomorrow! Should be a great time.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Validated

Today, someone told me that I am a good mom.  And it wasn't a teenager, and it wasn't my mom.

And it just felt really, really nice to hear that.

I'm Rich!

Let me start off by saying that I don't play the lottery.  Never have.  But I've always been one of those people who prayed something like, "Lord, if you'll just make me rich, I promise I'll give tons of money to people in need. I could help so many people!  And I promise I won't become a crazy, mean, snobby person. Amen." 

Okay, maybe not those exact words, but you get the idea.

Lately, I've encountered so many needs, especially in people and places close to me.  Some are relatively small, while others are much more extensive.  Each time I'm made aware of a need, I come up with so many ideas about how to help.  And then, almost immediately, I come up with so many reasons why I can't be the one to do them. 

We really should be saving money. Saving is important, right? Besides, having a baby is so expensive! And Christmas is coming up, which means we'll be spending more money than usual.  And I know we've got bills on the way, and gas prices keep going up....

Blah blah blah. Yesterday was one of those days.  I was sitting on my kitchen floor putting groceries away, thinking of all the people I wanted to help.  And then I kind of threw it at God again - If You'll just give us a little extra, I'll gladly give it away to help people.  As I was doing this, I was getting frustrated because I couldn't find a way to organize our canned goods so that all of them would fit in the cupboard.  Oh, if only we were rich.... then I'd be able to help.  More can-shoving commences. If only we had more...

Lightbulb.

Duh! Here I am, angry that I can't fit all of my food in the cupboard as I wishfully ask God to be rich. Do you see the contradiction here? I am rich. Filthy rich, especially compared to the world's population.  (I think the average American is in the top 2% wealthiest people in the world? Something like that.) It was like God served me a huge reality slap (in a loving way, of course).  Look at how I have blessed you. You are rich already. Why do you ask for more when you have so much?

 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

-Philippians 4:11-13

Then it was a huge guilt trip. I have never truly known what it is like to be in need.  I have always had food, shelter, clothing, friends, family, education, etc. etc. etc.  Yet, I want more.  And I try to justify it by "bribing" God with how I could help people.

I'm going to end with this.  It's a paraphrase from the book The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns. This is his paraphrase of Jesus in Matthew 25.

For I was hungry, while you had all you needed.  I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water.  I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported.  I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes.  I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved.

-Richard Stearns (Matthew 25)