The First Last

Well, Evie is on formula now.  After a rough week(ish) of transition, she has finally accepted it.  We did end up buying a different kind of formula since the stuff we had was soy based.  (Really gross - I tried it. I can't blame her for hating it.)  So we switched to a gentle milk-based formula, which she seems to like much better.  (Tasted that one too.  Still not great, but a definite improvement.)  She has been nursing twice a day still for her first and last feedings, but tonight, she took formula before bed instead.

It saddens me to think that I may have nursed my daughter for the last time without knowing it at the time.  I say "may have" because I might nurse her tomorrow morning.... I can't decide.  I thought I hated nursing.  I was wrong.  I hated the inconvenience of nursing.  I had to be the one to feed her, so I couldn't ever be gone for very long.  I hated trying to find private places in public settings so I could feed her in peace.  But I am going to deeply miss the bond we shared.  She has gone from a tiny life inside me, where only I could feel her 24 hours a day, to a newborn for whom I offered a special, unique comfort.  And now, that is gone.  I feel guilty for taking that away from her so soon, even though it has been longer than I intended.

And I just feel sad about it.  My baby is getting big.

When I went away to Tennessee for school, my mom wrote me a letter and left it on my bed after they had helped me move in.  I found it after they were already on their way home.  It started with, "I loved you from the moment I heard your heart beat."  She went on to talk about how my life was measured not only in a series of "firsts," but also in a series of "lasts" - the last time she rocked me to sleep, the last time we played piggy-back, the last time she tucked me in at night.  She said, "If I would have known it was the last time I would rock you, I would've rocked you a little longer.  If I had known it was the last piggy-back race, we would have played a little longer."  That's how I'm feeling right now.  If I had only known that this morning would be the last time nursing, I would've cherished it a little more.  (Which is why I'm considering nursing tomorrow morning.)  I thought that watching my baby grow and change would be happy and exciting.  It is, but it is also sad.  I wasn't ready for that.

So here we are.  The first of many lasts.