looking back

Ever since Amber joined our family, I have found myself thinking about when we first brought Evie home less than two years ago. How incredibly long each day was.  The seemingly endless crying (she was colicky, especially at night), the constant feedings, and the self-imposed hibernation period in which I didn't leave the house.  I remember feeling like that season would never end - like I would never sleep or get out of our house.  We were tired.  We were short-tempered.  I was depressed.  It was a hard season indeed.

Looking back, it passed so quickly.

I find myself struggling to remember the details of her tiny, newborn baby self.  How she smelled.  How her cries were so tiny.  How she looked when she slept.  I took hundreds of photos and several videos, but I look back at these fragmented memories and think, "I wish I had more."  

I wish I had seen more of the good in those very difficult early days.  I wish I would have been more easygoing.  

Now, my sweet Everlyn, the one who gave me the gift of motherhood, is a feisty, stubborn, tender-hearted toddler.  She repeats herself a hundred times a day, stomps her little feet when she is angry, kisses her stuffed animals when she rocks them to sleep, and loves her sister in the purest way.  She says the funniest things and has the most infectious toddler laugh.  She loves animals and the outdoors and reading.  

She is growing up so quickly. 

I completely understand now how it feels to love someone so much it actually aches sometimes.  Being a mama has shown me how that is possible.  I love to watch her grow and learn and explore, but my body physically hurts when I think about how fast these seasons come and go.  I want to be the best mama I can be, for her and for Amber.  

I love you, little bean.  Thank you for making me a mama.