all over again

I'm gonna go ahead and put this out there.  I'll probably regret it, and I may even end up deleting this post, but I'm feeling open right now.

We want another baby.

We've both always wanted a large family, but that became less realistic when we began our battle with infertility after we got married.  Now, we're facing that battle for the second time.  We haven't ever been preventing a second baby, but I've been taking the same fertility medication (Clomid) since January that we used to get pregnant with Evie.  There's only one difference.

It isn't working this time.

With Everlyn, all it took was the lowest dose to get things back in order in my body.  This time, that dosage didn't do the trick, so we doubled it.  So far, nothing.

I don't know what's next or where to go from here.

Now that we have Evie, I feel guilty for wanting another child.  After all, there are plenty of couples out there longing for a baby, but their arms will remain empty.  I feel selfish.  But this is how I feel, and I just need to be real about it right now.  

I expected our attempts at a second pregnancy to be less of a battle.  After all, we already knew a bit of what to expect.  Unfortunately, the emotions and struggles are just as real this time around.  I guess we'll see where things go from here.

outpouring

My struggle with depression (post-partum or otherwise) is far from over.  It is a battle I still fight daily.  This past Wednesday was particularly difficult, though I'm not sure why.  I woke up feeling like my depression was a pot of water about to boil over.  At MOPS, I just broke down crying.  All I could think was, "I need help.  I need help."

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

At MOPS, the women at my table surrounded me with love and support.  They let me know that I was not alone.  But the amazing thing is, even more people dropped hints of encouragement and love.  People who were unaware of my struggles, who didn't see me crying at MOPS.  A friend sent me an encouraging message.  Another new friend invited Evie and I for a play date.  A great woman from church posted on facebook that she was specifically praying for people with thyroid problems who often are fighting a lonely battle.

I feel supported.  I feel hope.

God is good.

know you

If there's anything I've discovered recently, it's that I don't really know myself very well.  At all.

I mean, I know my identity is founded in Christ.  I know that I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, and so many other important roles. But I don't know much about the wife, the mother, the daughter that I am.  

And the more I discover, the more I realize how much there is left undiscovered.

I'm sorry if I sound vague or philosophic, but it's been on my mind a lot lately.  I think I'll keep a list of things I am learning about myself.  I may not always post them here, but at least mentally.

-I would really love to travel the world.  I feel like my little corner is getting smaller and smaller.

-I love being outdoors.  As much as I hate bugs, I'd much rather be outside than in.

-I still think of myself as a kid.

-I tend to base my value on how others view me.  I am a people-pleaser, over-achiever to the max.  Not because I want to be, but because I think that others want that from me.

-I am super OCD about a lot of weird things.

-I deal with a great amount of guilt.

-I like to be alone sometimes.  I love the chance to just sit and think.

-I'm terrible with follow-through.  I dream great dreams and make amazing plans, but very few ever become reality.

-I don't think I want any pets.  At least, not for a long time.

What are some ways you've found to know yourself better? 

baby pancakes

This morning, I made Evie some baby pancakes for breakfast.  We've been slowly introducing more self-feeding meals, so I was excited to try this.  I adapted the recipe from our Baby Bullet recipe book.  She loved them! Here's the recipe as it is in the book:

1 cup flour

3 tsp. baking powder

3/4 cup formula/breast milk

1/2 tsp. salt

1 tsp. cinnamon

Combine all ingredients to proper consistency.  Spray skillet and heat.   Cook until golden brown.  Cut into bite-sized pieces.

I initially made this recipe, but it seemed very thick and a bit bland.  I added a little bit of vanilla, coconut oil, and a few spoonfuls of applesauce, which made them even better!  I served Evie's with diced strawberries.  I'll bet they'd be good with some yogurt, too!

spring

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light and winter in the shade.

-Great Expectations

Do That

What would you do for God if you knew you could not fail? 

Photo from: http://themumukshusoul.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/sunrise-the-bliss-of-life/

Do that.

Grey

I was driving on the grey pavement under a cloudy grey sky.  The whole world just seemed grey today. 

I thought about a dear high school friend who just lost her six-day-old nephew.  He was born at 31 weeks and had several internal abnormalities.  The six days he did have were a miracle.

And I thought to myself, what if that was my baby?

I don't think I could hurt this much if I didn't have a child of my own.  I empathize. My heart is broken for them.

I thought about the fact that my dad has never met my daughter.  The fact that he has intentionally cut ties with us for over a year now.  The fact that this will be the third year of my life where he has purposely not spoken to me.

And it hurt.  Not in a, "I'm sad" kind of way, but more like a "Who does that... really?" kind of way.  

Sometimes when I step back and really survey the life around me, I see beauty abounding.  I see joy and love and hope.  But today didn't happen to be one of those days.  I saw hurt and pain and sorrow.  I thought, more than once, nobody should have to go through that.  

Today I saw grey.  

But I have hope that the sun will come out tomorrow.

how

Infertility.

How did I deal with it the first time around? Why does it seem harder now, even though we have been beyond blessed with the sweetest little girl?

When we were struggling with infertility the first time, I remember thinking that surely those emotions would be forever banished once we had a baby.

No more stress. No more jealousy.  No more longing.

Why was I wrong? 

A lot of people in my life who have babies around Evie's age are pregnant again.  And I feel that hole in my heart growing slowly, aching for yet another little miracle. 

It's not baby fever.  It's something deeper, darker, more painful.  I'm tired of juggling prescriptions.  I'm tired of constant doctor appointments and blood tests. 

Surprisingly, I don't find myself thinking, Why me?  Instead, doubt and guilt creep into my mind.  Maybe you weren't supposed to be a mom.

But just when I find myself in low spirits, my precious baby girl lights up my moments with smiles, laughter, and happy squeals.  She helps me remember that I am so very blessed. 

Count your blessings, Erica.  Be thankful, not bitter.  Trust. 

Craft Show

Last night, I sold my handmade hair accessories at my first craft show! My friend Susan, who is a consultant for thirty-one, let me share her table.  We had so much fun!

Unfortunately, our table was one of two that was set way off in a lone corner, away from the action.  Needless to say, business was slow.  But it was worth it! I learned so much from the experience, and I can't wait to do it again!