Defeated

I have post-partum depression.

There, I said it.

It's not that I am embarrassed or ashamed of it, it's just that (like most depressed people, I'm guessing) I try to hide it when I'm around people.  I don't know why.  I think a lot of people see depression as something to just "get over."  I think I used to see it that way too.  But it's not like that at all.

PPD was something I knew about, but I never expected that it would happen to me.  My pregnancy was not particularly difficult.  I loved being pregnant.  Stressful? Yes - being in school full-time through those 9 months was a little rough.  But everything else went smoothly.  And we had waited so long for a baby.  We were thrilled to be pregnant.  So where did the sadness come from?  I remember sobbing as we were preparing for discharge from the hospital.  I couldn't pinpoint exactly why, but I was terrified to go home with this little person whom I felt I didn't know at all.  How would I know what to do with her?  And when Chris went back to work, I sobbed.  I was so scared to be solely responsible for our daughter.  I don't know why I felt that way, but it was completely overwhelming.

I finally talked to my doctor about a month or so later, and she prescribed a very low dosage of Zoloft.  After a few weeks, the immense anxiety I had started to fade.  I wasn't afraid to leave the house with Evie anymore.  (Prior to that, I literally did not leave our house.  Ever.)  But the deep sense of emptiness remained.  

It still does.  

I don't know why.  I love Everlyn so so much.  I love being a mom.  But it's almost as if I feel hopeless and alone.  Empty.  I wake up every day completely exhausted.  Even the simplest of tasks seem to drain all of my energy.  I feel like I could sleep all day and all night.  I hate it.

Through all of this, I have questioned God so many times.  I have thought that He was punishing me, perhaps for wanting a baby I was never supposed to have.  I know in my head that God is good and loving and gracious, but it's hard to think that way when I don't feel those things.  I don't feel loved, I feel abandoned.  I don't feel His goodness, I feel punished.  I know that feelings are not reliable measures of truth, but they sure are strong.  And it's really hard to look past them.  I'm doing my very best to trust what I know of God's character as opposed to how I feel, but I struggle.  I'm trying to constantly thank Him for the good things in my life, especially for my sweet baby girl.  She is truly a blessing, no matter how I am feeling.  

I know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, I just wish I could see it.