Evie's First Halloween

Happy Halloween!

We took Evie trick-or-treating to a few houses with some of our friends from church who live in our neighborhood.  Of course, the candy is for us!  But she looked so adorable!  After our costume success this year, I'm thinking we should always have a family costume theme.  (I'm sure that won't be cool in a few years, but hey, a mama can dream.) Both of our moms came over to pass out candy while we were out.  It was pretty cold and rainy, but it will be memorable.

Enjoy your candy! 

for the mamas

This post is so good, I had to share.

Indian Summer

What a most lovely day.  Lots of sunshine, beautiful Autumn colors, and a breath of Summer warmth.    It was literally perfect.  I wish I could've been outside all day.  Chris and I did enjoy a wonderful outdoor lunch together while Evie was napping.  It was so refreshing.

Evie had her lunch outside, too.  (Yes, she was still in her PJs.  Mom fail.)

I took Evie for a walk this afternoon.  I even went barefoot - that's how warm it was!  I was thinking about how much I enjoyed Fall weather like this.  And then I started feeling sad because I knew that Winter will soon be here.  The days will be very cold and short.  The growth and beauty of the outdoors will be masked with white.  Even though Winter comes with great times of family and celebration, it leaves me longing for Summer and sunshine.  

And then I got to thinking... as much as I dislike Winter, I need to appreciate it.  Why?  Because Winter is what makes Summer so wonderful.

Think about it - if it was sunny and 75 every day, we would not truly recognize how great the season of Summer is!  In the same way that death is what makes life meaningful, Winter is what makes Summer beautiful. So thanks, Winter, for working so hard to make Summer look good.

And now, a few pictures from this beautiful day.

Great Expectations

I have been thinking a lot lately about what kind of mother I am.  And what kind of mother I want to be.  I am a people pleaser, so every time someone tells me what I should be doing for my daughter, I feel like I have to do that thing so that I will have their approval.

So that they'll think of me as a good mom.

Am I a good mom? This question haunts me sometimes when I'm feeling at my lowest.  When I am tired or upset and Evie is screaming.  Am I a good mom?

Part of it is my nature to please, to be the best, to gain approval.  But I also blame our society.  Being a "good mom" now means doing everything organic.  It means loving motherhood at all times.  It means taking artsy family pictures and putting them up for everyone to see your happy family.  

Ultimately, it can mean putting on a show.

I never see people blogging about how they fed their kids McDonalds for dinner, even just once.  I don't read about how frustrating a crying baby can be.  I don't see pictures of moms in sweats or without makeup.  

And I often ask myself - Is this how people really live? And why can't I seem to pull it off?

But I think the truth is that most people don't live that way, at least, not all of the time.  Maybe we're all too busy trying to act like we've got it together.  Maybe we need to tell each other that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes.  It's okay to choose convenience once in awhile.  It's okay not to always be picture perfect.

Life is messy.  It hurts sometimes.  But if we aren't willing to admit that, then there is no growth, no healing.  

Our babies aren't necessarily going to remember that we fed them homemade organic baby food.  They won't dwell on the fact that we sang them lullabies or dressed them in trendy clothes.  Instead, they'll remember how we made them feel, what we taught them, and the time we shared with them.  That time can be just as well spent eating chicken nuggets as it can over a home cooked meal. 

From now on, let's just keep it real.  

Cloth Diapering: The Scoop on Poop

Anytime I tell someone that we use cloth diapers, they almost always say, "What do you do with the poop?"  Or they proceed to tell me how gross it is that we put poop in our washing machine.  If you're considering cloth diapering, it's important to know what kind of dirty work will be involved.

I'll be the first to admit that it is pretty gross at times. If you have a very weak stomach, maybe it's not for you.  And yes, sometimes I get poop on my hands.  But guess what? Disposable diapers can be pretty gross too, especially when they leak.

So what do you do with the poop?

If your baby is exclusively breastfed, good news! You can throw that bad boy right in your wet bag or diaper pail and into the washer.  Breastfed babies have very liquid-y poop, and it's completely water soluble, so there's no need to dunk or rinse your diaper into the toilet ahead of time.  Hallelujah!

From what I've read, the verdict is still up in the air for formula fed babies who are not getting any solids or purees.  Some moms say that they put their formula poop right into the wash, while others say they try to dunk it off in the toilet first.  We personally have no experience here because Evie didn't start formula until she was already getting solids.  If we had, I probably would have tried to rinse some of it off first, just to be safe.

Solid foods and purees make things a little more... exciting.  When your baby first starts solids, he/she will probably only be getting the purees once or twice a day.  This makes for a very unique poop.  (Think peanut butter consistency. Yum.)  At this point, it is definitely necessary to dunk/rinse your diapers before washing.  However, things are pretty "sticky," so it can be difficult.  There are a few options.  You could purchase a diaper sprayer, which attaches to the side of your toilet.  This functions like a small hose that you can spray your diapers with.  (We have not purchased one, but are considering it.)  Second, you could just dunk your diaper right in the toilet bowl and try to shake it off.  This is the method we currently use.  Typically, we flush the toilet a few times while the diaper is in the toilet bowl.  This seems to get most of the poop off.  Finally, you could use some kind of tool to scrape the poop into the toilet.  I've read about some moms who purchased a cheap spatula to use specifically for this purpose.  (Just make sure it doesn't end up in your kitchen!)

I'll try to remember to update this when Evie is getting more solid foods more often since our methods will probably have to change again.  I've read that more solid food makes for more solid poop, which isn't so sticky, so maybe it will come off easier.

So there you have it! Enough poop talk to last quite awhile.  I'm thinking that I'll post next about cloth diapering gear and detergents.  Again, feel free to ask questions!

Happy diapering!

Cloth Diapering: Types of Dipes

We've been cloth diapering for almost 6 months now, and we're still going strong!  A lot of people have said, "Teach me," so I figured I would do a few posts on some of the basics.  But hey, cut me a break because we're still learning too :)

I thought about starting out with a post that describes the benefits of cloth diapering.  It can be much more cost effective, it's environmentally friendly, and it's generally better for babies.  However, there are already other blogs and sites that will even do a cost breakdown comparison of disposables vs. cloth diapers, so I figured I don't have to.  Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!  Besides, if you are reading this, you are probably already convinced.

When thinking about what type of cloth diapers you want to buy, it's important to consider your needs. Are you going to CD (cloth diaper) full time? Are you looking for the least expensive option? Do you want a diaper that will grow with your child, or would you prefer sized diapers?  All of these things will help determine which type of diaper is best for you.

There are 4 main types of cloth diapers.  I have them listed from most primitive (and generally cheapest) to the fanciest.

Prefolds and Covers:  In short, these are probably the kind of diapers that your grandma used.  They look like big burp cloths until you pre-wash and dry them several times, which makes them appear more thick and quilted.  The prefolds themselves can be folded a variety of ways.  Although people used to use pins to fasten the diaper, snappi clips have generally taken their place.  Once the diaper is fastened, a waterproof cover (snap or velcro) goes on top.

Fitteds and Covers: These diapers are made of the same absorbent material as prefolds, but they require no folding! That's because they're already shaped as a diaper with fasteners.  However, they still require the use of a waterproof cover.

Pocket Diapers: Pocket diapers are a step above fitted diapers because they don't require the use of a waterproof cover.  Instead, the diaper has a microfiber inside that draws moisture away from the baby's skin.  A diaper liner, which is a narrow strip of absorbent material, goes inside a pocket that is built into the diaper.  The diaper may be double-stuffed for nighttime usage.  These generally keep your baby feeling more dry than a prefold or a fitted diaper would as well.

All-In-Ones: "AIO" diapers are really just glorified pocket diapers.  The main difference is that there is no stuffing involved.  The liner that would normally go inside a pocket in a pocket diaper is attached to the diaper.  (It is often referred to as a soaker.) I think most of them do have a pocket opening for additional "stuffage" (new word).

So there you have it! These are the very basics of cloth diapering.  So far, we have used prefolds/covers and pocket diapers.  I'm planning to do some more posts about cloth diapering, but if you have specific questions that you want answered, just leave a comment!

Quick Pic

What a beautiful Fall day here in the mitten!

The First Last

Well, Evie is on formula now.  After a rough week(ish) of transition, she has finally accepted it.  We did end up buying a different kind of formula since the stuff we had was soy based.  (Really gross - I tried it. I can't blame her for hating it.)  So we switched to a gentle milk-based formula, which she seems to like much better.  (Tasted that one too.  Still not great, but a definite improvement.)  She has been nursing twice a day still for her first and last feedings, but tonight, she took formula before bed instead.

It saddens me to think that I may have nursed my daughter for the last time without knowing it at the time.  I say "may have" because I might nurse her tomorrow morning.... I can't decide.  I thought I hated nursing.  I was wrong.  I hated the inconvenience of nursing.  I had to be the one to feed her, so I couldn't ever be gone for very long.  I hated trying to find private places in public settings so I could feed her in peace.  But I am going to deeply miss the bond we shared.  She has gone from a tiny life inside me, where only I could feel her 24 hours a day, to a newborn for whom I offered a special, unique comfort.  And now, that is gone.  I feel guilty for taking that away from her so soon, even though it has been longer than I intended.

And I just feel sad about it.  My baby is getting big.

When I went away to Tennessee for school, my mom wrote me a letter and left it on my bed after they had helped me move in.  I found it after they were already on their way home.  It started with, "I loved you from the moment I heard your heart beat."  She went on to talk about how my life was measured not only in a series of "firsts," but also in a series of "lasts" - the last time she rocked me to sleep, the last time we played piggy-back, the last time she tucked me in at night.  She said, "If I would have known it was the last time I would rock you, I would've rocked you a little longer.  If I had known it was the last piggy-back race, we would have played a little longer."  That's how I'm feeling right now.  If I had only known that this morning would be the last time nursing, I would've cherished it a little more.  (Which is why I'm considering nursing tomorrow morning.)  I thought that watching my baby grow and change would be happy and exciting.  It is, but it is also sad.  I wasn't ready for that.

So here we are.  The first of many lasts.

Defeated

I have post-partum depression.

There, I said it.

It's not that I am embarrassed or ashamed of it, it's just that (like most depressed people, I'm guessing) I try to hide it when I'm around people.  I don't know why.  I think a lot of people see depression as something to just "get over."  I think I used to see it that way too.  But it's not like that at all.

PPD was something I knew about, but I never expected that it would happen to me.  My pregnancy was not particularly difficult.  I loved being pregnant.  Stressful? Yes - being in school full-time through those 9 months was a little rough.  But everything else went smoothly.  And we had waited so long for a baby.  We were thrilled to be pregnant.  So where did the sadness come from?  I remember sobbing as we were preparing for discharge from the hospital.  I couldn't pinpoint exactly why, but I was terrified to go home with this little person whom I felt I didn't know at all.  How would I know what to do with her?  And when Chris went back to work, I sobbed.  I was so scared to be solely responsible for our daughter.  I don't know why I felt that way, but it was completely overwhelming.

I finally talked to my doctor about a month or so later, and she prescribed a very low dosage of Zoloft.  After a few weeks, the immense anxiety I had started to fade.  I wasn't afraid to leave the house with Evie anymore.  (Prior to that, I literally did not leave our house.  Ever.)  But the deep sense of emptiness remained.  

It still does.  

I don't know why.  I love Everlyn so so much.  I love being a mom.  But it's almost as if I feel hopeless and alone.  Empty.  I wake up every day completely exhausted.  Even the simplest of tasks seem to drain all of my energy.  I feel like I could sleep all day and all night.  I hate it.

Through all of this, I have questioned God so many times.  I have thought that He was punishing me, perhaps for wanting a baby I was never supposed to have.  I know in my head that God is good and loving and gracious, but it's hard to think that way when I don't feel those things.  I don't feel loved, I feel abandoned.  I don't feel His goodness, I feel punished.  I know that feelings are not reliable measures of truth, but they sure are strong.  And it's really hard to look past them.  I'm doing my very best to trust what I know of God's character as opposed to how I feel, but I struggle.  I'm trying to constantly thank Him for the good things in my life, especially for my sweet baby girl.  She is truly a blessing, no matter how I am feeling.  

I know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, I just wish I could see it.  

Rough Week

So much has happened these past few days.  Chris' grandma passed away last Thursday.  She had been battling cancer for several years, but it recently spread to her brain and things took a quick turn.  When I was younger, I had a hard time understanding the "big deal" of a grandparent dying.  Then, my grandfather died suddenly from leukemia.  It was awful.  I think the hardest part of this week for me has been knowing that Chris was feeling that kind of sadness.  I just wish there was more for me to do for him.

I also started the slow, agonizing process of weaning Evie this weekend.  I figured it would be a good time since my mom was going to be watching her during the viewing and the funeral.  Wrong wrong wrong.  She hates it.  Absolutely hates it.  And I feel really terrible for putting her through this.  Yes, I made it 5 months nursing her exclusively.  That's longer than I originally hoped.  But I feel so selfish for taking this away from her.  She loves nursing.  She screamed for almost two full days while we tried to introduce her to formula.  Her fussiness, my guilt, and the sadness of last week's events made me an emotional basket case.  I just felt like I was being a bad mom.  She's still not happy with the bottle, but I can usually get her to take at least a few ounces of formula at a time.  I still nurse her first thing in the morning and right before bed though.  I hope it gets better soon.

Here's looking forward to a new week.