Thought Vomit

That's literally what this post is... my mind has upheaved all of these thoughts, so I'm sorry if they don't make sense.  I just really need to get them out, sort through them somehow.

Somehow.

I have always wanted a lot of children.  I've pictured my home being loud, crazy, busy, messy... everything that comes with having a large family.  Most of all, I pictured motherhood being the final piece of me that has always been missing - like the fulfillment of myself, or the culmination of "Erica" and all that entails.  It's as if I expected to become a mother and then just sigh and say, "Finally, I am what I was made to be. I am doing what I was made to do."  And I love love love being a mother.  I have never experienced so much love as I have for Evie.  It is such an overwhelming love.  But it hasn't fulfilled me in the way I expected.  In fact, I feel that the longing inside myself to become more "me" has grown even stronger since Everlyn was born.  Instead of that fulfilled, content sigh of relief, something is constantly nagging in my mind saying, "Motherhood is so wonderful for you.  But you were meant to live so much bigger than this.  Don't think so small." I don't know what that means.  And I feel like I'm going to go crazy more and more each day until I figure it out.  

I also feel like the curtain has been pulled back for me in many areas of faith.  It's as if I see the "dark side" of Christianity for what it really can be.  I sometimes look through the atrium in our church and see a crowd of people pretending to have everything together, pretending to be happy in front of each other.  A fear of brutal honesty, perhaps.  I don't know.  Maybe everyone is afraid to admit that they're not okay because it feels like admitting failure.  Is that what it's all about? Is that what I will look back at the end of my life and remember my church experience to be? Will I remember the exhausting pressure to put on my happy-pastor's-wife face?

Maybe I'm just in a rut, a funk, whatever.  Maybe I'm going through some kind of intense period of personal growth.  I have no idea.  I just know that I feel increasingly more restless and discontent with myself (but not with my life or my family - just with who I am versus what I am supposed to be... if that makes sense.)

Right now, I don't know what else to do but wait.  Wait for clarity, wait for these feelings to go away, I'm not sure.  I'm waiting, but I don't know what I'm waiting for.  So here I am.  If I figure it out, I'll let you know.

A Bug and the Little Bean

Chris has been battling some kind of cold/scratchy throat bug lately.  To avoid a sick baby (and a sick me), I have taken matters into my own hands.  I started my morning with some hot tea.  My throat was feeling itchy, so I wanted to bite any illness in the bud.

While the little bean was playing, I whipped up some more avocado puree for her this week.  (Yay for my Baby Bullet!)

[What a happy, messy girl!]

Then I decided to wipe down every surface that I think Chris may have touched in the last 48 hours or so with hot water and Lysol.  Normally, I clean with only natural products (vinegar, baking soda, etc.) But I'll use Lysol when I really need to disinfect. 

Hopefully, Chris will be better very soon because we're going to Frankenmuth tomorrow! Should be a great time.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Validated

Today, someone told me that I am a good mom.  And it wasn't a teenager, and it wasn't my mom.

And it just felt really, really nice to hear that.

I'm Rich!

Let me start off by saying that I don't play the lottery.  Never have.  But I've always been one of those people who prayed something like, "Lord, if you'll just make me rich, I promise I'll give tons of money to people in need. I could help so many people!  And I promise I won't become a crazy, mean, snobby person. Amen." 

Okay, maybe not those exact words, but you get the idea.

Lately, I've encountered so many needs, especially in people and places close to me.  Some are relatively small, while others are much more extensive.  Each time I'm made aware of a need, I come up with so many ideas about how to help.  And then, almost immediately, I come up with so many reasons why I can't be the one to do them. 

We really should be saving money. Saving is important, right? Besides, having a baby is so expensive! And Christmas is coming up, which means we'll be spending more money than usual.  And I know we've got bills on the way, and gas prices keep going up....

Blah blah blah. Yesterday was one of those days.  I was sitting on my kitchen floor putting groceries away, thinking of all the people I wanted to help.  And then I kind of threw it at God again - If You'll just give us a little extra, I'll gladly give it away to help people.  As I was doing this, I was getting frustrated because I couldn't find a way to organize our canned goods so that all of them would fit in the cupboard.  Oh, if only we were rich.... then I'd be able to help.  More can-shoving commences. If only we had more...

Lightbulb.

Duh! Here I am, angry that I can't fit all of my food in the cupboard as I wishfully ask God to be rich. Do you see the contradiction here? I am rich. Filthy rich, especially compared to the world's population.  (I think the average American is in the top 2% wealthiest people in the world? Something like that.) It was like God served me a huge reality slap (in a loving way, of course).  Look at how I have blessed you. You are rich already. Why do you ask for more when you have so much?

 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

-Philippians 4:11-13

Then it was a huge guilt trip. I have never truly known what it is like to be in need.  I have always had food, shelter, clothing, friends, family, education, etc. etc. etc.  Yet, I want more.  And I try to justify it by "bribing" God with how I could help people.

I'm going to end with this.  It's a paraphrase from the book The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns. This is his paraphrase of Jesus in Matthew 25.

For I was hungry, while you had all you needed.  I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water.  I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported.  I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes.  I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved.

-Richard Stearns (Matthew 25)

I Think My Heart Grew Wings

I just love this little doll.

We spent a good portion of our afternoon in the breeze through our back door.  Evie was happily watching the kids walk home from school while she chatted with the birds.

Oh, the love.

Thank you God for such a day full of love with my daughter.  Thank you for the sunshine, the warm breeze, and these little moments that capture my whole heart.

They Say Life Is A Highway, But Mine Is An Old Dirt Road

Messy buns. Spit-up stains. Nursing. Baby Mozart in the car. Wiping drool on my sleeve. Weekly trips to Buy Buy Baby. And poop - lots and lots of poop.

This is my life now. And I love it.

Gone are the late nights with friends, spontaneous dates with my dear husband, or lazy Saturday mornings spent sleeping in.  No longer is straightened hair a priority.  Instead, my days are built around feedings and naps.  I don't think twice about catching a string of drool with my hand and then wiping it on my jeans.  

In some ways, motherhood is nothing like I pictured.  I imagined myself being one of those crafty, bring-my-baby-everywhere, homemaking mamas.  Well guess what? I Fail at that.  Capital F.  I'm lucky if I've showered before 11:00.  A day in which I vacuum and make a full dinner is a pretty good day. 

So here I am, failing to live up to my own expectations.  And that doesn't always sit well with me.  I'm not used to failure.  I see blogs of moms with 7 kids who cook healthy meals, have spotless homes, exercise every day, sew their kids' clothing, and look as though they've just stepped out of a fashion magazine.  And then there's me - one kid who isn't even mobile yet, a handful of recipes that could be classified as "okay," a house that could fool people into thinking we have 7 kids (and not because of size), and a wardrobe of jeans, t-shirts, and flip flops.  

Where did I go wrong?

One word - comparison.  Like I said, I love my life as a mama.  But sometimes it's hard to feel like I am doing a good job when I look around and see other women who have it all together.  Why can't I just be like that? But I've decided that I am done pretending to have my act together.  That doesn't mean I won't strive to be better, but I won't will try not to beat myself up over my shortcomings, either.  Will you join me in accepting, even celebrating, the messiness and imperfections in life?

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

-Theodore Roosevelt

On Faith (part 2)

Yep, I'm still wrestling with this issue from my previous post.  I think that's a good thing though. I don't want it to just blow over in my mind.  After all, it's a pretty big topic when it comes to the whole relationship with God thing.

Speaking of that, I feel like God is slowly giving me more clarity on this issue of faith as I seek Him and dig into His Word.  I almost feel as if I've had a revelation of sorts. You know, the kind where you want to run around yelling, "I get it now!" even though nobody else will have a clue what you are trying to say?

Yeah. But I'm going to try to say it anyway... go figure.

Rather than choosing between a "can do" faith and a "will do" faith, I think what God really calls us to do is to have faith in His character.  He doesn't necessarily provide a formula of "always have faith that God will do what I ask of Him."  Sometimes, I believe this is an appropriate approach.  But maybe not always.  Instead, God calls me to have complete faith that He is good and loving, that He has my very best interests in mind.  When things don't work out like I want, or when my "faith that God will do something" is disappointed, God simply asks me to trust His plan.  It's not about trusting His abilities or His willingness to grant my requests.  Instead, I must cling to the truth that He knows what I need more than I do.

I'm not saying this is easy.  In fact, it's actually more scary for me now because it makes me vulnerable. Having faith in God's character means completely letting go of control in my own life.  And for someone like myself, that's extremely difficult.  So I still find myself wrestling, even as I end this discussion on faith.  Now, my wrestling is not one of understanding, but simply one of doing. Of obedience.

For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

    were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

-Psalm 139:13-16

In his heart a man plans his course,

    but the Lord determines his steps.

-Proverbs 16:9

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11 

On Faith

I have been a Christian for a long time.  I attended a Christian school, two Christian colleges, and have grown up in the church.  So for me to admit that I'm not really sure how faith works is a bit humbling.  But I'm not.

Forgive me if this idea is poorly expressed or if it seems jumbled - that's exactly how it is in my head.

You see, I know that Christians are supposed to have faith in God.  But what does that really mean? I know the basics.  I have faith that God is real, that His Son walked the earth and paid the penalty for my sins on the cross.  I have faith that I will one day be with Him in heaven.  This faith is really more of a belief.  I believe all of those things.  But how does faith play out in my everyday struggles, my everyday walk with Christ?

What I'm getting at is this: does having faith in God mean that I have faith that He can do what I ask of Him, or that He will do what I ask of Him? I truly believe that God can do anything.  He can grant us our requests.  But that doesn't necessarily mean that He will, does it?  In a sense, I feel that having only the "faith that He can" is a shallow, cop-out faith.  At the same time, having "faith that He will" seems like it would set us up for disappointment when God chooses not to do what we had hoped.  I know that God's will for my life plays a big role in this - if my will and His will are in tune with each other, then my faith is surely going to be more in line with His plan.  Yet I still struggle with this, mainly because I don't want to give myself a reason to be disappointed or upset with God.

In the midst of all these thoughts, God brought to mind Hebrews 11:1 (go figure...)

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

To me, this verse seems to call us to a "faith that He will" kind of faith. I think of Abraham in the Old Testament when he was called to sacrifice his only son, Isaac.  He obeyed.  And when Isaac asked him where the sacrificial lamb was for their offering, Abraham simply replied, "God Himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." (Genesis 22).  Notice - God Himself will provide.  Not, "He can provide."

And then I think of my responsibility in all this.  I still have to do my part.  Is it wrong for me to expect God to help me get an A on a test for which I never study? Absolutely.  I can't be lazy.

And then there's Romans 8, which says,

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"

Maybe I'm reading this passage too much out of context.  I don't know.  But in all of this, I know one thing for certain - God is able to do "more than all we ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3).  And He will work out His plan for my life, even as I continue to wrestle with my role.