Rambling

Like usual, it's been awhile since I've updated. I think it's because I'm not really sure what I want this blog to be about - so for now, it's just everything. Whatever is on my mind, I'll share it here.

One thing that I am truly trying to come to terms with is the idea that we may never have biological children. When we first found out, I was angry. Angry at God. How could He make us with a desire to be parents one day and then hit us with this? Even though I knew in my head that I should not be responding this way, it was just my natural reaction. I realize now that God is the Giver of all good things. "Every good and perfect gift is from above..." I don't deserve any of the blessings God has given me, so I have no right to claim an entitlement to something He may choose not to give me. I also realized that God may not have caused this disease. Did He know about it? Sure. Could He have stopped it? Absolutely. But the broken world we face is the consequence of our sin. God didn't send that upon us, we brought it upon ourselves. So now that I have confessed my anger, I find myself trying to make it through the sadness and disappointment. There are so many things that make me wince on the inside - people saying, "So when are you going to have babies?" Going to baby showers. It's not that I have "baby fever." I don't. It's just hard knowing that the time may never be right. It just might not ever happen for us.

I don't want to sound like a total downer, so here is some good news - Chris and I have always had a heart for adoption. We are still thrilled about the idea of adopting children from around the world. Perhaps this is the way that God has called us to build our family. When our adoption journey officially begins (whenever that may be), we will update for sure. Until then, we will continue to pray that God's will would become our own.