it's time

I never in a million years expected that I would fall victim to postpartum depression.  And yet, it hit me hard and fast, leaving me feeling lost in the sea of motherhood.  I waited for it to go away.  When it didn't, I finally talked to my doctor about getting help.  Since then, I've been taking an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication every day.

Here I am now, over one year later, still fighting this battle daily.  The raw edge has certainly been dulled by the medication, but it is not enough.  I still struggle.

It's time to get help.

I'm looking into seeing a therapist and possibly joining a support group.  Just saying those things makes me feel so very nervous and even embarrassed.  But the truth is, this is long overdue.  I need healing.

It's time.

support

Last night, Chris and I went to dinner with his parents after church.  We had Evie with us, which is always an adventure.  She sat in the wooden highchair squealing, tossing crayons, and munching on anything she could get her hands on.  An older couple sitting next to us commented several times on how cute she was.  They smiled and waved at her, and they even said goodbye to her when they left.  For once, I didn't feel pressured or judged by those around me to keep my daughter quiet and behaving perfectly.  They recognized her for who she is - an energetic toddler - and appreciated her presence.  It was so refreshing.

But it got me thinking... why doesn't society support parents more?  Think about it.  Marketing that targets children is everywhere.  Who can blame a tired, worn out mama for giving in to her children's demands for that sugary cereal or candy snack at the grocery store? Parents may dread taking their rambunctious children to restaurants for fear of the judging glances from strangers.  Wouldn't it be nice if society helped making parenting easier? After all, it's the hardest job out there.  Even a kind word from a stranger in the mall or grocery store can make a mom (or dad) feel like she is doing a good job.

Since I have become a mom, I find that I am much more sympathetic towards other parents - the one with the screaming toddler at Target or the sobbing baby in church service.  Parenting is hard, and parents need all the support they can get.

We need to support each other.

happenings

Wow, sorry for the long silence.  We've had a few busy days and a few not-so-busy days spent enjoying the beautiful sunshine.  Either way, I was absent.

Chris and I just returned from a quick two day trip to Ohio to visit the Alive Music Festival.  A small group of our students were there, so we wanted to go check it out.  It was so so hot, but I loved being outside the whole day! It sure was nice to come home to my sweet baby girl though.

*I'm not in any of these pictures because I just got a tattoo and can't swim... bummer.

three

This week, the hubs and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Wow! I know three doesn't sound awfully impressive, but I can hardly believe it's been that long!  

I'll be the first to admit, marriage hasn't always been a walk in the park.  Having a baby has taken the greatest toll on our marriage so far.  But, we are stronger for it.  I can honestly say that I love Chris with my whole heart.  We are better together.

Happy anniversary, love.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for our family. I love you!

decisions, decisions

Well, it looks like this last Clomid cycle is a bust. Blood work will soon confirm that. The hard part now is deciding where to go from here.  I talked to someone at our insurance company today about fertility treatments.  She told me that they are not generally covered, but that I should call back with each procedure code as they come.

So there's that.

And then the idea of adopting now was sounding really good until I started looking into some agencies.  The wait time is almost three years.  Wow.

I need direction.  Where are we supposed to go from here? Both routes have the potential to be expensive, time-consuming, and ultimately a letdown.  We need to be wise about where we decide to invest our savings, efforts, and time.

If you're a praying person, please send up a quick one for us as you think of it.

our God

Before I was pregnant with Everlyn, while we were still in the pit of infertility, there were many Sunday mornings when church song lyrics really affected me and I would begin crying.  There were several songs, but the one I remember most is the song "Our God" by Chris Tomlin.

And if our God is for us, 

then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us,

then what could stand against?

I remember thinking, "God is bigger than my infertility." Over and over. And I would cry in raw longing for what I did not have.

And then, there was life in me, growing sweetly.  And I would sing those same words with my hands on my belly and think, "Thank you. Oh, thank you. You are greater."

We sang that song tonight in church.  And once again, I had to force myself to let go of the battle.  It's a losing battle when I fight it on my own anyway.  So here I am, completely vulnerable, but trusting the hands of my God who holds me close.

content

The past few months, I have really been struggling with just "letting go" of this infertility business.  Failed medication after failed medication, I was losing hope.  When the nurse called and told me that I would probably need to see a specialist, I felt stuck.  What to do? We want to adopt anyway, so wouldn't it be smarter to put money towards that instead of fertility treatments (which might not even work)?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And then suddenly, these last few days, I have started to be at peace with the struggle.  I have fertility issues.  And that's okay.

Maybe my family won't ever be quite as large as I had hoped or imagined.  Maybe I'll only get to feel those sweet little kicks in my belly one time.

At least I got to feel them one time.  Some women aren't so fortunate.

So now, I am here.  At peace, for now at least.  Content with my little family.  And although I'm not looking forward to making decisions about the next step in our journey, I can appreciate where we are right now.