content

The past few months, I have really been struggling with just "letting go" of this infertility business.  Failed medication after failed medication, I was losing hope.  When the nurse called and told me that I would probably need to see a specialist, I felt stuck.  What to do? We want to adopt anyway, so wouldn't it be smarter to put money towards that instead of fertility treatments (which might not even work)?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And then suddenly, these last few days, I have started to be at peace with the struggle.  I have fertility issues.  And that's okay.

Maybe my family won't ever be quite as large as I had hoped or imagined.  Maybe I'll only get to feel those sweet little kicks in my belly one time.

At least I got to feel them one time.  Some women aren't so fortunate.

So now, I am here.  At peace, for now at least.  Content with my little family.  And although I'm not looking forward to making decisions about the next step in our journey, I can appreciate where we are right now.

sweet nothings

Days like today are truly a breath of fresh air for my spirit.  

We had the most delightful afternoon here on this beautiful, drizzly Memorial Day.  When Evie awoke from her morning nap, we packed up the car and headed out on a picnicking adventure with two of our very dearest friends, Alyssa and Steven.  Although the beach was packed with people celebrating, grilling, and enjoying each other's company, we found a lovely patch of field that we had all to ourselves.  (Chris and I reminisced about getting engaged in this very park!) Alyssa pulled out her picnic basket filled with goodies - smoked salmon, pasta salad, and freshly brewed sweet tea.  And we sat and talked and enjoyed being together.  We shared a meal and then walked down by the lake with Evie in tow in the wagon.

It wasn't a fancy double date or a big cookout with a lot of people.  Nope, it was simple, a sweet nothing of an afternoon, yet it was everything.  Just what we needed.  We were able to take our minds from work and infertility and just enjoy the day and the beautiful creation.

Photo courtesy of Alyssa's instagram! :)

I'm finding that I really like the simple things these days.

feel

After so much waiting, today was the day that I was told by the nurse to take a pregnancy test to see if the Clomid had worked.

It was negative. 

Honestly, this is what I expected.  I didn't really have any reason to think otherwise.  It didn't shock me when I saw the blank window on the hpt this morning.   I didn't even cry - I just went back to sleep.

If there's one thing I've learned about infertility, it's that it is so much more than a physical struggle.  It is emotionally draining every. single. day.  

I feel as though this battle has taken so much from me, but the biggest thing I have lost is hope.  And a soul without hope is a heavy soul.  I have lost the capacity to feel the emotions as they come.  

I am numb.  Because I am tired of feeling grief.  So instead, I do not feel.

It's as if my soul has been drenched in a heavy rain.  Deep down, I know there are tears for the struggle, but they have been drowned deep beneath the surface.

I want to have permission to feel this journey, no matter where it takes me.  

not so baby

My baby is not really a baby anymore.

I've been thinking about this often as of late because Evie recently turned one.  In the last two months, she has started walking, communicating more, and demonstrating a lot of independence.  Girl is stubborn! But I know that can be channeled for good things in her future.

My little bean isn't so little anymore either.  Her chubby legs hang over the edge of her car seat, which is now much too heavy to tote around with her strapped in.  She can reach things on our kitchen table, and she has even started trying to climb onto the furniture by herself.

What a difference a year makes.

Sometimes I miss the baby days when I could pop her in my sling and feel her snuggled close to me.  I miss us snoozing together on the couch after a long night.  But I'm so excited to see what kind of person she's going to become.  It's scary too because I know that she is always watching me, modeling my behaviors, and picking up on my habits.  And I'm not always worthy of being modeled.  But I hope that we will continue to grow and learn together as a family.  May we have grace with her as I hope she will with us.

for the mamas

Today, we celebrate moms.

I truly believe that motherhood is the most challenging job.  And yet, it is also the most rewarding by far.

Today, we recognize the joy, hurt, sacrifice, desperation, hope, fear, and unconditional love that goes along with being a mama.  

We recognize the long nights without sleep, the lonely days that sometimes seem to fly by and sometimes seem to never end, the messes that always seem a step ahead of us.

If you are a mom, always remember that your job matters.  Even when it feels like all of your work goes unnoticed and unappreciated, you matter.  You have the most important job in the world.  God has entrusted you with caring for one of His own.

Thank you, moms, for everything that you do for your children.  You tie little shoes, wash dirty hands, prepare meals, wipe runny noses with your sleeve without thinking twice.  You give the best hugs and snuggles to your sick babies.  You sing silly songs and read stories at bedtime.  You make oatmeal and spaghetti and slice fruit just right.

And all of it matters.

Maybe you are hurting this mother's day.  Maybe you have lost a little one or suffered a miscarriage.  Maybe you've dreamed of being a mom but are still left with empty arms.  We will not forget you today because you matter too.  Never underestimate your ability to make a difference, even if it's not with children of your own.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

one year photos

 When Everlyn turned one, we decided to splurge a little and have professional pictures taken.  Looking back, we regret not having professional newborn photos, so we knew we needed to just do it.

I'm so glad we did.

We went with Jennifer Hosking Photography, a local photographer who works only with babies.  She was awesome and so patient with Evie.  If she started to get cranky, Jennifer would tell us to take a few minutes and give Evie a snack or play with her.  And her photos turned out so well.

So, without further ado, her are a few of the shots!

one

Today is one that I have seen coming for awhile, and yet, it still has taken me by surprise.

My baby is one.  As in, one year.  Say what? When did this happen?!  

On this day a year ago, I went in for a routine checkup two days past my due date.  That routine checkup turned into, "Why don't you just swing by triage to have things checked out," which suddenly became, "We're going to break your water now!"  

It seems like only yesterday, and yet, it seems so distant.  

The days may be long, but oh, time is so short with this baby girl.

Chris recently went to a youth conference where they used an illustration of a jar of marbles.  The idea was to take a jar and fill it with marbles - one for every week until your child graduates high school.  Then, at the end of each week, remove a marble from the jar.  It is meant to help parents recognize how little time they have with their children.

Today, I am down a year's worth of marbles.  And although high school graduation seems lightyears away, there was once a day when her first birthday seemed the same way.  And now here we are.

What am I going to do with the marbles we have left? The job behind such a question seems daunting, and I'm not even sure I can give a proper answer.  But I do know this - I will love my daughter deeply, I will cherish every moment, and I will do my best to teach her the responsibility of living intentionally. I want her to discover her calling and then answer it in the way only she can.

Oh, I have so many dreams for that girl.

Happy birthday, sweet Evie.  You are loved more than you'll ever know.  May we never take a moment with you for granted.

just can't get enough

...of this sunshine! Oh my stars, the weather today was beautiful. Thank you Lord!

I took Evie out into the yard to explore while I planted our vegetable garden.  Of course, that was often interrupted with Evie trying to eat everything - leaves, dirt, tree bark, grass, and rocks.  But we got a mega dose of vitamin D and mama daughter time. 

Love the sunshine in my soul.