Father's Day

I know that Father's Day was a few weeks ago now, but I've been meaning to share some thoughts on it for awhile.

If you know me well at all, you probably know that my relationship with my own father is far less than stellar.  It has pretty much always been that way, though it has recently gotten worse.  When I announced my engagement to Chris, my dad basically disowned me for two years.  He refused to speak to me at all, even when I was still living in my parents' house before returning to school in Tennessee.  When I went back to school, he never called.  And even though he ended up coming to our wedding (no one was sure if he'd show up), he did not walk me down the aisle or dance with me.  And for the first year of our marriage, he remained absent and silent in my life. 

When my mom finally filed for divorce, my dad made a half-hearted attempt at reconciliation with Chris and me.  He took us out to dinner and apologized for the way he had acted toward both of us.  Fast forward a few months and he is silent yet again.  I have not heard from him since February.  He hasn't even seen Evie. 

Needless to say, Father's Day was a bit difficult for me in some ways.  But what I am missing in a relationship with my own father is being made up for in the relationship Chris has already formed with our daughter.  He is such an amazing dad.  His personality profile describes his marriage type as a "help mate," and that is so true.  He carries more than his fair share in parenting, housework, and providing for our family.  I am blessed to be his wife, and Evie is blessed to have him as her dad.

Happy first father's day, love.  You're the best.

Confessions of a New Mom

Everlyn is going to be a month old in a few days - oh how the time flies! Every day continues to be a gradual learning process.  It's almost scary to have this little, helpless person who needs me for everything, and yet I have no clue what I'm doing most of the time.  I love her so very much - I can't even imagine not having her with us! But it's not always easy.  Actually, it's rarely ever easy.  And there are so many emotions that come into play every day.  I had all of these wonderful expectations about being the "perfect" mom in our "perfect" family - wrong! So many of my ideas about parenting have changed already, and I have no doubt that they will continue to do so.  I want to share how my ideas have changed because I felt so much guilt when I thought I was letting my baby down.  But I'm (slowly) starting to realize that there really are no "right" answers.  So here's what I've got... don't judge.

1.  I hate breastfeeding.  I really do.  It's exhausting, time-consuming, and usually pretty painful.  It keeps me from going out of the house very often (because I don't feel comfortable nursing in public.)  It also means that I have to get up every two hours or so at night when she is hungry.  At times, it's even frustrating for Evie - she's learning too.  My goal is to make it three months exclusively breastfeeding.  I know that's not very long, but it's what is realistic at this point.  If for some reason things change, maybe it'll be longer.  But for now, three months may even be a miracle.

2. Sometimes I get frustrated with Evie.  That is really hard to admit.  She's just a helpless little girl, and yet I find myself upset when she can't fall asleep at night or when she cries for an hour or more with no apparent needs.  But I am learning to be patient with this daughter that I love so much.  And when she's a little older, I hope she will be patient with me as well.  It's a learning process for both of us.

3.  Being a new mom doesn't mean I am always happy.  Again - unrealistic expectations for myself.  I remember when we were getting ready to be discharged from the hospital and I started sobbing.  I was tired, in a lot of pain, and caring for a brand new baby.  When Chris went back to work, it got even worse.  Here I was, literally stuck at home, with this little girl who didn't sleep and needed me every moment of the day.  I was tired, lonely, and afraid of messing up.  My doctor even prescribed me some medication for postpartum depression.  For some reason, we are given the idea that life with a new baby is going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time.  While it is a really wonderful, exciting thing, it's hard.  But the families in the diaper commercials don't tell you that. :)

These are just a few of the things I've experienced so far.  And while it's a little bit humbling to admit them, I am glad that I can finally be honest about motherhood so far.  And now, I need to go comfort my beautiful little girl so she will hopefully sleep :)