I Love Her Now, But...

I read this post today.  

I wanted to cry.  Somebody else understands.

If I'm being honest, I absolutely did not feel totally "in love" with Evie when she was first born.  Not at all.  The first time Chris left me to go to work, I wanted to run away and just disappear. I had so much anxiety about caring for a new baby. And I still feel really guilty just admitting all of that. But I remember the first time I felt truly in love with her.  It was in the middle of the night.  She was probably a few weeks old.  I was in a terribly sleep-deprived blur of frustration trying to get her to sleep.  She was screaming.  I was rocking her, bouncing her, snuggling her, anything I could do.  All of a sudden, she stopped crying, and she looked up at me in the dark.  She just looked at me, and I looked back at her.  And I loved her.  I don't know why it was this moment, but it was.  That love has continued to grow and blossom ever since.  My heart now is bursting with love for my little girl.  

But I want other new mamas to know that it's okay to feel this way.  Sure, it's not something that most people want to talk about, but it's reality.  And it does get better, I promise.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  As cliche as it sounds, motherhood is absolutely the most difficult thing you will ever do.  I didn't fully believe that until I became a mom myself.  

Just remember, you're doing a great job.  Give yourself a break sometimes.

My Week in Pictures

What's In A Name?

Everlyn.

So many people ask us how we came up with this name.  A few years ago, Chris and I went on World Vision's website to sponsor a child together.  The girl we chose was named Everlyn.  She was so beautiful.  Unfortunately, there was some kind of computer crash issue, and we had to select another child.  We decided right then that we loved the name and would use it if we ever had a daughter of our own.  

We still love the name Everlyn, even though some people make it painfully obvious that they don't.  (This is a typical conversation...)

Stranger: "She's so cute! What's her name?"

Us: "Everlyn."

Stranger: "Evelyn?"

Us: "No, Ev-ER-lyn."

Stranger: "Oh..."

Oh well, she's not their baby :) Anyways, the one thing that strikes me as interesting is that I can not find a meaning for the name Everlyn.  Actually, there isn't much information on it at all.  I have found some sites that say it's a boy name... go figure.  But other than that, nothing.  I have searched high and low.  At first, I was sort of bummed about this.  But then I decided that it's really cool because Evie will get to define her own name! She defines herself! So even though it will probably change as she gets older, here is what I have come up with so far:

Everlyn: inquisitive spirit; one who seeks understanding

I just love that we can adapt this as she grows and changes! 

Thanksgiving and a Quick Getaway

Okay, so I gave up on the thankful days.  But that doesn't mean I'm not thankful! I'm so grateful for the night that Chris and I got to get away together.  It was awesome! And Evie did great with her first sleepover at her grandma and grandpa's house! Seriously, for anyone with a baby or a baby on the way... Plan a couple's day.  Just time for you and your spouse.  When a baby enters the family, marriage changes completely.  Honestly, our marriage has never required so much effort as it does now that Evie is here.  It's not a bad thing, but we have to be more intentional in our time with each other.  The best thing you can do for your baby is to love your spouse, so don't feel guilty about making time for just the two of you.

 I'm also thankful for the time we got to spend with family on Thanksgiving.  We didn't do anything super special or out of the ordinary, but we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.  There are now four great-grandchildren (and another on the way), so the house was always buzzing with activity.  There were toys scattered all over the floor, constant crying from one baby or another, and three highchairs at the dinner table.  It was wonderful.

 Finally, I'm thankful for the love of my Savior, the One to whom I give the thanks for all of these wonderful blessings.  His love and grace are undeserved, but He gives them so freely.  

A Thankful Heart - Days 15, 16, & 17

This week has been nuts. You see, it's National Collection Week for Operation Christmas Child... yay! Since our church is serving as a Relay Center (and I am the coordinator), I have been at church every day this week collecting boxes, packing them, and organizing volunteers to help. It has been crazy and busy and stressful and wonderful. 

This morning, I arrived at church to set up for our OCC collection.  Meanwhile, our church's food pantry was buzzing with activity.  Every Saturday morning, we open our pantry to those in need.  Being the week before Thanksgiving, there were 144 families there today. Wow!  The little hallway was packed with people waiting for their number to be called so that they could "shop" our pantry.  At the same time, my volunteers and I were hauling in and packing over 130 shoebox gifts that will be sent around the world this Christmas.  

As I stood back amidst all of the busyness and chaos around me, I thought to myself, This is church.  This is what the church was meant to be.  This is real church.  

Church is not a building.  It is not a service or a worship song or an offering.  It is not a program or a sermon.  Sure, those things are good parts of being in the body of Christ, but the Church is just that - the body.  And today, I got to see that Church working hard to serve the world around us.  

It was a beautiful sight.

So today, I am thankful for my church.  I am thankful for Operation Christmas Child and the incredible ministry they have.  And I am thankful for the people of the pantry who gave up their Saturday morning to serve local families in need.

Cloth Diapers: The Dirty Laundry

Let me preface this by saying that you should always follow the manufacturer's instructions for laundering your diapers.  This is especially important because not following those instructions usually voids any type of warranty that the diapers may have.  However, these general guidelines are typically those recommended for all cloth diapers, and they have worked well for us.

If your baby is getting solids, you'll definitely need to remove the majority of the waste before you even put your dirty diaper in the wet bag.  Do this by dunking or with a diaper sprayer.  If you are using pocket diapers (or any type of diaper with an insert), remove the dirty insert from the pocket before putting them in the wet bag.  

When you're ready to launder, there are 3 basic steps: 1. cold prewash, 2. hot wash, 3. dry.  Easy peasy.  Empty your wet bags into your washing machine as it's filling.  Toss the wet bag in with your diapers. If your machine does not have a pre-rinse option, that's okay! Ours doesn't either.  Simply turn the dial on your washer all the way to "rinse" with the temperature setting on cold.  This pre-rinse helps remove any residual waste, as well as helping to prevent stains.  When that rinse is done, turn the temperature to hot and do a regular wash.  

DO NOT USE REGULAR DETERGENT (EVEN THE GENTLE KINDS!)

Sorry to yell :) You must use a detergent that is specifically designed for cloth diapers.  Right now, we use Rock'n Green detergent, which can only be ordered online.  It comes in different scents, as well as different formulas for your water type (whether soft or hard water).  It smells a-mazing.  This chart is also extremely helpful.  It rates tons of different detergents on their cloth-diaper friendliness.  It also breaks down the cost per load, as well as listing any potentially non-cloth-diaper-friendly ingredients.  When you launder your diapers, don't use any other additives (bleach, vinegar, baking soda, fabric softener, fabric sheets, etc.)  Just keep it simple, people.  Detergent and water.  Boom.

How you dry your diapers will depend on what type of cloth diaper you use.  Any type of waterproof diaper cover must be line dried.  If you use a pocket diaper or AIO, the diaper "shells" must also be hung to dry.  However, the inserts can go in the dryer on the tumble cycle, as can prefolds and fitteds.  When choosing what brand of diapers you want to use, it's helpful to read about the drying time for the shells.  Apparently, some brands take longer to dry than others.  

If your diapers have stains even after they're washed and dried, sun them! Lay the diapers outside so that the stains are exposed to direct sunlight for a couple of hours.  Ta-da! Like magic!

One last thought... perhaps you've heard of people "stripping" their cloth diapers.  Some people do this if they feel that their diapers have a detergent buildup or if they have a faint lingering odor after washing.  While you should check with the manufacturer's suggestions on stripping your diapers, I can tell you that bumgenius recommends using one teaspoon (HE machines) to one tablespoon of original Dawn (the blue kind) and up to a 1/2 cup of bleach in a wash cycle with the diapers.  No detergent, just those two things.  The, wash twice more on hot with no detergent OR Dawn/bleach.  If you are still seeing suds on the second hot wash, do a third.  Repeat these hot water washes until you don't see any suds.  (We've been using our bumgenius diapers for 3 months now and have not had to do this, though I think I will do it soon.)

As always, feel free to ask questions!  Also, let me know if there are other cloth diapering topics I should cover!

A Thankful Heart - Days 12, 13, & 14

Okay, time to triple up.  I officially fail.

First off, I am so thankful for my husband's job.  I'll admit, it can be very frustrating at times, especially with his schedule, but I'm thankful that he works so hard to provide for our family.  I'm also very happy that he has a job he loves - so many people don't.

Second, I am thankful for our car!  When we got married, we drove Chris' 1997 Mercury Cougar.  It was tough sharing a car, so we were thrilled to get a second, more reliable (read: baby friendly) car this past Spring.  As luck would have it, the Cougar died just a few short weeks later.  At first I was kinda bummed, but then I realized that I should be thankful that we had already purchased another car!  

Finally, and in keeping with the theme, I am thankful for our neighbors/fellow church staffers/friends Jimmy and Ashley.  I mention them specifically because Jimmy has been driving Chris to work most mornings, which saves me from having to wake Evie early just so we can drop him off.  It has really been very helpful to us, and I am thankful that Jimmy is so willing to do it!

A Thankful Heart - Days 10 & 11

It's Veteran's Day.  Needless to say, I am extremely grateful for our veterans and for those who are currently serving in our armed forces.  It's something I can never imagine doing, so I have the utmost respect for those who risk their lives to defend our freedoms.  I can't help but think of the families - the wives and children, moms and dads, siblings - who watch their loved ones walk away, not knowing when or if they will return.  

I just can't imagine.

Making up for yesterday, I also want to say how grateful I am for many of life's basics, like clean water and electricity.  When I was at a craft show yesterday, I bought a Ugandan bracelet from a wonderful man.  He and his wife buy these bracelets from women in Uganda, thus providing them with an income.  Then, they sell the bracelets and use the money to adopt children from Uganda.  (They have already adopted three!)  When I visited their family website, his wife wrote about how their two most recently adopted children were living in awful conditions.  She described them digging through garbage for food and roaming in streams of raw sewage.  Prior to being selected for adoption, these children did not know of electricity or plumbing.  

Say what?! Yeah. Here in America, we often feel like our lifestyle is the norm.  We don't think of ourselves as being so incredibly wealthy compared to the rest of the world.  Imagine your life without running water and electricity - yikes!  So today, as silly as it may sound, I am thankful to have a toilet that flushes, a hot shower each day, clean water to drink, light for my home, heat, and all of the other "basics" that aren't so basic for much of the world.  

Cloth Diapering: What You Need

Sorry it's been so long since I addressed the cloth diapering topic!  We have already discussed types of cloth diapers and "the scoop on poop."  Now, I want to tell you about some other gear that you may find helpful should you choose to cloth diaper your baby.

Wet Bags.  No matter what kind of diaper you choose, these are pretty much essential unless you plan on using the old school pail method.  Wet bags are cloth bags that have a waterproof PUL lining.  After you change a dirty cloth diaper, you throw away the wipes and put the diaper in the wet bag.  When you're ready to wash, you simply dump the diapers right into the washing machine and toss the wet bag in with them.  Some larger wet bags even have a separate pocket for you to put clean diapers in.  Right now, we have a large wet bag that hangs in our bathroom and a smaller one that we bring in our diaper bag when we go out.  We're actually considering buying another one so that we'll always have one clean.  (We put dirty diapers in plastic bags when the wet bag is being washed.)

Cloth Diaper Detergent. Cloth diapers must be washed with specially formulated detergents.  Washing them in other detergents could ruin the diaper.  (More on laundering later.)

Diaper Sprayer.  I talked a little about these during our poop discussion.  They are definitely not a necessity, but I've heard that they can be quite handy. (We don't have one yet.) These are sprayer hoses that attach directly to your toilet.  When your baby poops, you use the sprayer to help remove the waste right into the toilet so that you can flush it away! If you plan on breastfeeding exclusively the whole time that you use cloth diapers, you don't need one of these since breastfed poop is water soluble.

Drying Rack/Clothesline.  Any kind of cloth diaper will have at least some component that must be air dried.  Prefolds and fitted diapers can go in the dryer, but their waterproof covers must be line dried. Pocket diapers and AIOs have the outer "shell" that must be line dried.  We actually have a clothesline in our basement that we use to dry diapers.  During the summer, sunning your diapers outside will remove any stubborn stains.  Simply lay/hang your stained diapers in direct sunlight for a couple of hours and voila! 

There are a number of other products that are available, but they are not necessary.  Start out simple and then determine what other gear you might need.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

A Thankful Heart - Days 8 & 9

Yep, doing two things since I forgot yesterday. Fail. 

Today, I am thankful for times of solitude and silence.  Being so very introverted, I am completely refreshed after some alone time.  I look forward to long car rides because I know I'll get the opportunity to just sit and think and just be.  Now that we have a baby, those times are a bit more few and far between.  That's okay.  In fact, it makes them all the more meaningful, and it makes me so much more thankful for them.

I am also thankful for times of utter chaos and stress.  (Hey, being thankful for them doesn't mean I enjoy them.)  I often worry so much over things that end up being very petty and small in light of eternity.  Each of these times helps me to grow as a person and as a follower of Christ.  I am learning to rely on Him during times of struggle, confusion, and stress.  

A Thankful Heart - Day 7

Wednesdays can be just wonderful sometimes.

This morning, I went to a MOPS meeting.  It's so nice to connect with other moms and share our experiences.  I'd really like to become good friends with some of these women, especially those in my small discussion group.  They are so uplifting, funny, and just real.  I really like them.

I also had the high school girls' small group this evening.  I just tow Evie along with me - it's really casual and fun.  Right now, we're working through The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  I just love hearing these girls encourage each other (and me) through their kindness and their spiritual maturity.  They are so great.

Today, I'm thankful for the true fellowship that I have experienced within these groups.  It's good to know that we are not alone in this crazy life.  We have each other.

The Unavoidable Questions

When are you getting married? 

Then you get married.

When are you going to have a baby?

So you have a baby.

Ready for number two?

Sheez louise people! Evie will only be 6 months tomorrow, but I've already heard this question from countless people.  The truth is, I would be thrilled to have another baby sometime in the near future.  Unfortunately, another baby will probably require careful planning, medical assistance, and several doctor appointments.  It's somewhat exhausting when I think about all of the effort that went in the first time, so thinking of doing all that again definitely puts a damper on my spirits.  Sometimes, I feel guilty or even greedy when I think about wanting another baby.  I know of so many couples who are still hoping, praying, and trying for their first baby.  

We have already been so blessed with our daughter.  Is it wrong for me to dare hope for more children?

And then I also think of what a journey motherhood has been.  Between a difficult recovery, a very needy newborn who cried all night, and the battle of PPD, I sometimes question my strength as a mother.  Do I have what it takes? Or, as Time magazine put it, am I mom enough? I want to be. 

For now, I will continue to enjoy the blessings and joys of my beautiful daughter. She was worth the wait.  And even if she ends up being our only child, we will be blessed more than we ever deserved.

A Thankful Heart - Days 5 & 6

I knew it wouldn't be long before I got a little behind with these, so today I'm giving two things for which I'm thankful.  First I'm thankful for my incredible family.  My mom has always been my biggest cheerleader and my greatest support.  She is funny but can be serious when it's necessary.  She's been such a great mom to both my brother and myself.

My brother and I didn't get along very well when we were younger, but I truly believe that we have become good friends.  He has been there for me during some rough times when I really needed it.  He's an incredibly hard worker, and I admire him for that.

Secondly, I am so thankful today to live in a country where we have the right to vote.  More than that, I am thankful for the other freedoms we have - freedom of speech, freedom to pray... the list goes on.  These are freedoms that are denied to many around the world.  No matter what the outcome of the election is, I am proud (and thankful) to be an American.

A Thankful Heart - Day 4

Today, I am thankful for my friends.  

Getting married in college and having a baby soon after isn't the best recipe for making and/or keeping friends.  I don't think it's anything personal, it's just that most people my age are living in a very different season of life.  And that's good.  But sometimes, it's hard.

But I do have a few amazing friends who have been by my side all along.  These are the friends who don't care that my baby is screaming or that my house is messy.  They don't care if my husband is home when they come over.  I feel like I can relax around them.  It's so nice.

So here's to you, friends. Thank you for being there. You know who you are.

(Special shout out to my very best friend Alyssa... Thanks for keeping me company tonight at church.)

Why I Chose A Hospital Birth

There once was a man whose city was flooding after a terrible storm.  Authorities had warned people to evacuate, but the man decided to stay, trusting that God would protect him. The waters kept rising, so the man climbed up to his rooftop.  A boat came by, and rescuers told the man to get in.  "No thanks," he said. "My God is so powerful. He will save me!"  So the boat went on its way, and the waters rose.  Awhile later, another rescue boat came by.  When offered a ride, the man replied, "No thanks. I'm praying to God, and He will save me." So the boat journeyed on.  Soon after, a helicopter flew over the man's house, and the pilot dropped the ladder for the man to get in.  The man said, "No thank you! I have faith that God will protect me."  So the helicopter reluctantly left.  The flood waters eventually rose to the rooftops. The man was swept away and drowned.  When he got to heaven, he said, "God, I served you faithfully throughout my life.  I trusted that you would save me in the storm.  Why didn't you?"  God replied, "Son, I gave you a warning.  I sent two boats and a helicopter.  What more did you expect?"

* * * * *

When I was deciding what kind of birth experience I wanted, a home birth intrigued me.  For one, it meant that I would be forced to avoid pain medication, which I was hoping to do anyway.  Second, it meant that I would be in the comfort of my own home instead of a hospital bed.  It also meant less pressure to make quick decisions about vaccinating my baby.  It seemed appealing in some ways.  But one question constantly nagged at me...

What if?

What if there is an emergency? What if the birth doesn't go smoothly? What if my baby has complications and needs immediate medical attention? Although there were no indicators of any such things, I couldn't help but think about it.  As a Christian, I thought, "I can trust God.  He will protect me and my baby."  But then this modern day parable came to mind.  Perhaps God would have allowed a home birth to go perfectly for me.  But maybe not.  Maybe there would be problems.  I imagined myself in this fictional man's shoes, standing before God.  "Why didn't you save me?" And I imagined God replying, "My child, you have a great doctor and great insurance.  You have wonderful hospitals with amazing medical technology.  What more did you expect?" 

I am by no means saying that this is how God would actually reply.  I have no idea.  But I couldn't shake this parable from my mind.  Being that this would be my first delivery, I decided to deliver in a hospital with a NICU.  Just in case.  And it worked out great for us.  It might not be right for everybody, and that's okay.  I'm not saying that I'll never give birth at home.  It just wasn't meant for me this time.  

Ultimately, my advice is this: if you're a pregnant mother, consider all of your options before making a decision.  Pray, pray, pray about it.  Talk to other people about their different experiences.  You are the only person who knows what is best for you and your baby.  Don't let anyone pressure you one way or another.  You can do it!

A (Sad) Thankful Heart - Day 3

About two weeks after I had Evie, a girl from my high school had her first baby - a boy.  He was born with some heart complications, giving his family a very rocky start to parenthood.  He had several heart surgeries and procedures to try and correct the problem.  (I am very good friends with her cousin, who goes to my church.) This morning, I found out that this adorable baby boy passed away unexpectedly.  I don't know all the details, but I can't even imagine the sense of loss and devastation that they are experiencing at this very difficult time. 

After the initial shock, it occurred to me that I am not guaranteed tomorrow with my sweet baby girl.  I wasn't planning to post about how thankful I am for her until later in the month, but today's events have changed my mind. 

I'm thankful for the privilege to even be her mother.  I wasn't sure that we'd ever be blessed with a baby  of our own, but she has fulfilled that longing in my heart.  I'm thankful for her drooly smiles, her heart-warming giggles, her happy babbles, and her curious personality.  I'm also thankful for the long nights, messy diapers, frustrating feedings, and lengthy crying spells.  Yes, these things can be draining, but they are simply reminders that I am a mama to an amazing daughter.

.  

Thank you, Lord, for the incredible blessing of our beautiful baby girl.  Thank you for entrusting her into our care.  Help us to be parents who model what it means to passionately pursue You.  Help us to love her the way that You have loved us as your children.

A Thankful Heart - Day 2

Today, I am thankful for food. Yep.

(I think I chose food because I'm really hungry right now.)

I'm by no means a good cook.  I pretty much fail, actually.  But I'm blessed to never go hungry.  I can simply go to our fridge or cupboard and pull out something to eat.  And although that may sound so simple and small, it's a blessing denied to many.  I can't even imagine what it's like to be a mother who is unable to feed her children.  It must be so devastating to have to send your child to bed hungry.  I'm so thankful that I don't have to know what that feels like.  

Thank you, God, for giving us enough to eat.  Help us to be generous to others as You have been so generous to us.

A Thankful Heart - Day 1

I know this isn't exactly an original idea, but I want to focus on things for which I am thankful during the days leading up to Thanksgiving.  I feel like I often treat my blog as a vent, a catch-all for my emotions and frustrations.  But for the next few weeks, I just want to take a little time to reflect on how blessed I truly am.  I'll still post on other topics like motherhood, cloth diapering, and my life in general, but I will try to also do one post a day on something that God has blessed me with.  Some may be big, others small, but I'm truly thankful for each of them.

So today, I want to say how incredibly blessed I am by my wonderful husband.  He has always treated me so wonderfully, responding to my sensitive heart with gentleness and care.  He works so faithfully in his ministry, not only to provide for our family, but also because he truly cares about the youth in our church.  He's handsome, he's silly, he's kind, he's loving, and he's an awesome father to our sweet daughter. He picks up my slack without complaining. (He even does the laundry!) I am thankful for the years I have been privileged to know him, date him, marry him, and start a family with him.  It is truly a blessing to be his wife.

What a stud!

Just babes! 

I DO!

I love you Chris!