mama guilt

Ever have those days where you feel like you've failed?

That's me today.

As a mom, I try to do my very best for my daughter.  I want to feed her the healthiest food, dress her in the cutest clothes, and teach her everything she needs to learn.  Sometimes, I get so caught up in these petty little things.  Yes, I want to feed my daughter healthy food, but chicken nuggets aren't going to spoil that every now and then.  And so what if her shirt has stains on it? That's not going to matter to her, so why does it matter so much to me? 

With all of these mental "must-do" lists, it's so easy to lose sight of what really matters - making sure that Evie knows she is loved unconditionally.  Am I really showing her that when I feed her organic food, or does she see it more when we snuggle and watch Sesame Street together in our pjs?  

What makes my agenda so important?

I need to let go of these things, these matters of secondary importance, and just let myself be in the moment with my daughter.  I want her to remember that we played in the leaves and read stories and built towers, not that she wore cute clothes or ate three servings of fruit everyday.  I want her to remember the love she felt.

It's not going to be an easy transition for me as the perfectionist that I am, but it starts with grace.  

Let me find grace in tomorrow.

Evie speak

I have been amazed these last few weeks at how many new words Evie is picking up.  She is very aware of the things we say and the sounds we make, and she often will imitate us at the most funny moments.  It has made me realize that we need to be careful to use our language in a thoughtful way at all times.  I want to share some of Evie's words - her version of them and what I have found that they mean.

hi - hi
muh - milk
mama - mama :) She often says this repeatedly now because she likes when I respond with, "Yes?"
dada - daddy
dah-dah - doggy, not to be confused with "daddy"
sop - soup
bah-bah or bah-boo - baby; she says this as she pats my tummy or if she sees a baby
up - this means both up and down, which can get confusing
cheese - cheese
wa-wa - water
side - outside
teez - toothbrush
night-night - bedtime
hep - help
tig - tiger, her favorite toy
hey - hey or hi
tee-tee - TV
bye-bye - bye, also she uses this to reference cars
home - home
sah - sock
shez - shoes
two - two; she counts to three, but usually skips one; she sometimes uses this to mean again
dah - please; not sure why she says "dah" for please but can clearly say cheese, peas, etc.

There are more, but many are slipping my mind at the moment.  I love that we are slowly starting to understand each other better. I just love that little girl!

my little love

Hi my beautiful baby.  It was so good to see you again yesterday.  Your daddy and I can't wait to finally meet you in person.  We love you so much already.

"You are loved more than you know.

I hereby pledge all of my days 

To prove it so.

Though your heart is far too young to realize

The unimaginable light you hold inside."

the details

So yes, the secret is finally out - we are expecting baby #2.  It happened just when I had about given up hope.  We were on our very last cycle of clomid before there would be a mandatory break from the medication, along with visits to a fertility specialist.  And then, on June 25, I took a pregnancy test in the wee hours of the morning.  And it was positive.

And I couldn't believe it.  As much as I wanted to break the news to Chris in some creative, special way, I couldn't contain my joy and excitement.  I ran right into the bedroom and turned on the light, startling him awake.  And then I told him.  He jumped up and was so surprised and happy right away.

Around 5 weeks, we had a blood test and early ultrasound to confirm.  I was already beginning to feel sick, so the doctor wanted to see if there might be multiple babies.  (Thankfully, no.)  Since then, we have had two more ultrasounds where we got to see our tiny peanut.  Even the second time around, it is surreal.

But ahh, the symptoms.  I have been extremely sick this pregnancy.  I was sick with Evie to the point where I vomited most days for a few early months, but it was nothing compared to this.  I have been nauseous and vomiting since week 5.  It's now week 15, and though things are getting much better, I still vomit most days.  We even had to spend some quality time in the emergency room because I was so dehydrated.  At another appointment, my urine analysis confirmed that I was spilling ketones and proteins.  Thankfully, they didn't send me back to the hospital that time.  As awful as I feel much of the time, I still can hardly believe that we have been entrusted with another tiny baby.  We are not deserving, yet God has blessed us greatly.

Our anatomy scan is coming up in a few weeks, but we are not planning to find out if we are expecting a boy or girl.  As difficult as it might be, I know it will make the birth so much more exciting.  We're just going to do a very simple, neutral nursery.  It will be lovely though.

Now that the emotional journey of infertility treatments/appointments are over for the time, I can't help but lament that this will likely be my last pregnancy.  I know that sounds selfish for me to say right now, especially with so many people struggling to get pregnant.  I don't mean it that way.  It's just that I don't want to put myself and our marriage through the emotionally exhausting regimen of fertility medication again, or at least for a very long time.  It's stressful, and it's simply not fun at all.  We do have hopes to adopt in the future, though it is a very lengthy process.  And I'm sure it's very different from pregnancy.  So for the time being, I'm trying my very best to cherish these short months and enjoy every moment as we eagerly await our miracle baby.

pregnant

Yes, I'm pregnant! Fifteen weeks today, due on March 5.  I'll save the details for another post.

God is so good to us - much beyond we ever deserve.

september sun

The weather here has been getting drastically cooler these last few days.  Fall is certainly approaching.  But today, the breezy sunshine gave Evie and I the perfect opportunity for a spur of the moment picnic on our front lawn! 

my little mommy

not my child

For the longest time, I refused to put Evie in the nursery room at church.  I didn't have a legitimate reason; I just wasn't ready to let go.  When we finally did, the first few times were rough.  She cried and reached for me as I walked away.  I wanted to cry too.  Now, she (usually) goes in happily and eager to play with all of the toys.  And I still want to cry.

Why is letting go so difficult? 

It almost feels silly to write this about the church nursery - a place she visits only once a week for an hour and a half.  But as a mama, it is the first of many, many times when I will have to relinquish control of my sweet baby to the world.  The first of many "letting go's."  

But I was recently reminded from a more mature, seasoned mother that Evie is not truly my child.  She is, above all else, God's child.  His precious daughter.  I have simply been given the privilege and responsibility of raising her for a short time.  That's not something that I can easily accept, to be honest. I love this little girl with my whole being.  To think that she is only mine for a time is scary and painful. And yet, I am excited to see what God does with her little life.  I simply need to learn to let go gracefully.  After all, He will never let go of her.

restaurant salsa

The past two years have been my first real attempts at gardening.  We started quite small last year and expanded a bit this year.  Somehow, I ended up with several tomato plants both years even though we typically don't eat a lot of tomatoes. This year, I began looking for recipes to use up those beautiful red fruits.  

And what did I find? Salsa. We love salsa around here, so it seemed like a perfect solution.  I gathered up the eight tomatoes we had, searched pinterest for recipes, and ended up modifying a few into my own.  I'll admit, at first, I was a tiny bit disappointed with the results.  It just didn't seem quite right to me.  But when I pulled it out of the fridge today (after making it yesterday), it was so yummy.  I think it just needed time for the flavors to really steep together.  

Here's the recipe that I used.  I'll warn you, it has a bit of a kick to it.  I'd probably call it medium, but I guess that's all relative.

Restaurant Salsa:

8 ripe tomatoes

1/2 yellow onion

4 cloves of garlic

3 jalapeno peppers

small handful of cilantro (to taste)

salt to taste (about 1/2 tsp. I think?)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 375.  Cut tomatoes into halves and place on baking sheet with the insides facing up.  Peel onion, cut in half, and place one half on baking sheet face up. Cut the caps off the jalapenos (and remove seeds and membranes if you don't want it as spicy).  Place jalapenos and garlic cloves (peeled) on baking sheet with onion and tomatoes.  Roast in the oven for about 30-40 minutes.  Allow to cool some.  In a food processor or blender, blend all ingredients to desired consistency.  Taste and adjust salt and cilantro as desired.  

I personally recommend allowing the salsa to completely chill in the fridge before serving.  It will keep for about a week in the fridge, or you can freeze it! I'm not sure about canning this particular recipe because I know that tomatoes require very specific acidity levels.

Let me know if you try it and love it as much as I do! Enjoy!

what i love about you

My sweet little Evie Bean,

I can't believe how quickly you are growing and changing right before my eyes.  Your curious spirit and independent personality are showing more and more each day.  You are really starting to find your voice, too! It's amazing how much you can communicate with us, even though your language is still minimal.  

As you have grown, you have developed some adorable quirks and habits.  I don't always realize how precious these moments are because they are part of my many days with you; however, other people are always commenting on how smart and adorable you are! We can never get through the store without a stranger stopping to chat with you and tell you how beautiful you are (or how much you look like your daddy!)  

I want to remember these silly little moments with you because they are the moments that make motherhood worthwhile.  Moments pass so quickly, and I don't want to lose these precious memories.

I love the way you say hi to us when we go to get you in the morning.

I love how you stomp your little feet when you're frustrated or just being goofy with us.

I love how you say hi to everyone we pass at the store.

I love how you cuddle your tiger and your baby, mimicking the way we pat your back and kiss your face.

I love how you happily run around naked after your baths.

I love the adorable animal sounds you make! You currently know cow, monkey, pig, and duck, though you sometimes get them mixed up :)

I love how you belly laugh when Daddy bounces you on the bed, and how you immediately stand up and say, "Two!" when he's done because you want to do it again.

I love how you stand on your tip toes to reach the piano keys, and how you light up when you "play."

I love how you immediately lay on the ground when we tell you no to something you want to do.

I love the way you babble so confidently to us as if we know exactly what you are saying.

I love how you sing and dance when music comes on!

I love you so much my little bean - big as the sky!

a girl and her garden

Helping mama tend to the garden

Juicy!

The day's harvest!

Tomato seeds on Evie's chin

Sour green tomato!

the "n word"

Well, it finally happened.  Evie learned to say the word "no."

I knew it would be coming soon because she has already mastered the art of shaking her head from side to side when she is unhappy about something.  Then, a few days ago, I said to her, "Can I have a kiss?" And she simply said, "No," and walked away.

And it has been her favorite word ever since.

I actually find it to be humorous and even kind of cute because I'm not sure that she completely understands what it means.  For example, if I offer her a sippy cup of milk and say, "Do you want your milk?" she will tell me no but then gladly take it from me.  

It really amazes me how quickly she is learning and growing.  It seems like the baby days are getting further and further behind us with toddlerhood just ahead.  I love seeing her explore and try new things, but there is a part of me that misses her little baby self.  I'm excited though to watch her grow into the beautiful girl she is already becoming.

it's time

I never in a million years expected that I would fall victim to postpartum depression.  And yet, it hit me hard and fast, leaving me feeling lost in the sea of motherhood.  I waited for it to go away.  When it didn't, I finally talked to my doctor about getting help.  Since then, I've been taking an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication every day.

Here I am now, over one year later, still fighting this battle daily.  The raw edge has certainly been dulled by the medication, but it is not enough.  I still struggle.

It's time to get help.

I'm looking into seeing a therapist and possibly joining a support group.  Just saying those things makes me feel so very nervous and even embarrassed.  But the truth is, this is long overdue.  I need healing.

It's time.

support

Last night, Chris and I went to dinner with his parents after church.  We had Evie with us, which is always an adventure.  She sat in the wooden highchair squealing, tossing crayons, and munching on anything she could get her hands on.  An older couple sitting next to us commented several times on how cute she was.  They smiled and waved at her, and they even said goodbye to her when they left.  For once, I didn't feel pressured or judged by those around me to keep my daughter quiet and behaving perfectly.  They recognized her for who she is - an energetic toddler - and appreciated her presence.  It was so refreshing.

But it got me thinking... why doesn't society support parents more?  Think about it.  Marketing that targets children is everywhere.  Who can blame a tired, worn out mama for giving in to her children's demands for that sugary cereal or candy snack at the grocery store? Parents may dread taking their rambunctious children to restaurants for fear of the judging glances from strangers.  Wouldn't it be nice if society helped making parenting easier? After all, it's the hardest job out there.  Even a kind word from a stranger in the mall or grocery store can make a mom (or dad) feel like she is doing a good job.

Since I have become a mom, I find that I am much more sympathetic towards other parents - the one with the screaming toddler at Target or the sobbing baby in church service.  Parenting is hard, and parents need all the support they can get.

We need to support each other.

happenings

Wow, sorry for the long silence.  We've had a few busy days and a few not-so-busy days spent enjoying the beautiful sunshine.  Either way, I was absent.

Chris and I just returned from a quick two day trip to Ohio to visit the Alive Music Festival.  A small group of our students were there, so we wanted to go check it out.  It was so so hot, but I loved being outside the whole day! It sure was nice to come home to my sweet baby girl though.

*I'm not in any of these pictures because I just got a tattoo and can't swim... bummer.

three

This week, the hubs and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Wow! I know three doesn't sound awfully impressive, but I can hardly believe it's been that long!  

I'll be the first to admit, marriage hasn't always been a walk in the park.  Having a baby has taken the greatest toll on our marriage so far.  But, we are stronger for it.  I can honestly say that I love Chris with my whole heart.  We are better together.

Happy anniversary, love.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for our family. I love you!

decisions, decisions

Well, it looks like this last Clomid cycle is a bust. Blood work will soon confirm that. The hard part now is deciding where to go from here.  I talked to someone at our insurance company today about fertility treatments.  She told me that they are not generally covered, but that I should call back with each procedure code as they come.

So there's that.

And then the idea of adopting now was sounding really good until I started looking into some agencies.  The wait time is almost three years.  Wow.

I need direction.  Where are we supposed to go from here? Both routes have the potential to be expensive, time-consuming, and ultimately a letdown.  We need to be wise about where we decide to invest our savings, efforts, and time.

If you're a praying person, please send up a quick one for us as you think of it.

our God

Before I was pregnant with Everlyn, while we were still in the pit of infertility, there were many Sunday mornings when church song lyrics really affected me and I would begin crying.  There were several songs, but the one I remember most is the song "Our God" by Chris Tomlin.

And if our God is for us, 

then who could ever stop us?

And if our God is with us,

then what could stand against?

I remember thinking, "God is bigger than my infertility." Over and over. And I would cry in raw longing for what I did not have.

And then, there was life in me, growing sweetly.  And I would sing those same words with my hands on my belly and think, "Thank you. Oh, thank you. You are greater."

We sang that song tonight in church.  And once again, I had to force myself to let go of the battle.  It's a losing battle when I fight it on my own anyway.  So here I am, completely vulnerable, but trusting the hands of my God who holds me close.

content

The past few months, I have really been struggling with just "letting go" of this infertility business.  Failed medication after failed medication, I was losing hope.  When the nurse called and told me that I would probably need to see a specialist, I felt stuck.  What to do? We want to adopt anyway, so wouldn't it be smarter to put money towards that instead of fertility treatments (which might not even work)?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

And then suddenly, these last few days, I have started to be at peace with the struggle.  I have fertility issues.  And that's okay.

Maybe my family won't ever be quite as large as I had hoped or imagined.  Maybe I'll only get to feel those sweet little kicks in my belly one time.

At least I got to feel them one time.  Some women aren't so fortunate.

So now, I am here.  At peace, for now at least.  Content with my little family.  And although I'm not looking forward to making decisions about the next step in our journey, I can appreciate where we are right now.

sweet nothings

Days like today are truly a breath of fresh air for my spirit.  

We had the most delightful afternoon here on this beautiful, drizzly Memorial Day.  When Evie awoke from her morning nap, we packed up the car and headed out on a picnicking adventure with two of our very dearest friends, Alyssa and Steven.  Although the beach was packed with people celebrating, grilling, and enjoying each other's company, we found a lovely patch of field that we had all to ourselves.  (Chris and I reminisced about getting engaged in this very park!) Alyssa pulled out her picnic basket filled with goodies - smoked salmon, pasta salad, and freshly brewed sweet tea.  And we sat and talked and enjoyed being together.  We shared a meal and then walked down by the lake with Evie in tow in the wagon.

It wasn't a fancy double date or a big cookout with a lot of people.  Nope, it was simple, a sweet nothing of an afternoon, yet it was everything.  Just what we needed.  We were able to take our minds from work and infertility and just enjoy the day and the beautiful creation.

Photo courtesy of Alyssa's instagram! :)

I'm finding that I really like the simple things these days.

feel

After so much waiting, today was the day that I was told by the nurse to take a pregnancy test to see if the Clomid had worked.

It was negative. 

Honestly, this is what I expected.  I didn't really have any reason to think otherwise.  It didn't shock me when I saw the blank window on the hpt this morning.   I didn't even cry - I just went back to sleep.

If there's one thing I've learned about infertility, it's that it is so much more than a physical struggle.  It is emotionally draining every. single. day.  

I feel as though this battle has taken so much from me, but the biggest thing I have lost is hope.  And a soul without hope is a heavy soul.  I have lost the capacity to feel the emotions as they come.  

I am numb.  Because I am tired of feeling grief.  So instead, I do not feel.

It's as if my soul has been drenched in a heavy rain.  Deep down, I know there are tears for the struggle, but they have been drowned deep beneath the surface.

I want to have permission to feel this journey, no matter where it takes me.  

not so baby

My baby is not really a baby anymore.

I've been thinking about this often as of late because Evie recently turned one.  In the last two months, she has started walking, communicating more, and demonstrating a lot of independence.  Girl is stubborn! But I know that can be channeled for good things in her future.

My little bean isn't so little anymore either.  Her chubby legs hang over the edge of her car seat, which is now much too heavy to tote around with her strapped in.  She can reach things on our kitchen table, and she has even started trying to climb onto the furniture by herself.

What a difference a year makes.

Sometimes I miss the baby days when I could pop her in my sling and feel her snuggled close to me.  I miss us snoozing together on the couch after a long night.  But I'm so excited to see what kind of person she's going to become.  It's scary too because I know that she is always watching me, modeling my behaviors, and picking up on my habits.  And I'm not always worthy of being modeled.  But I hope that we will continue to grow and learn together as a family.  May we have grace with her as I hope she will with us.

for the mamas

Today, we celebrate moms.

I truly believe that motherhood is the most challenging job.  And yet, it is also the most rewarding by far.

Today, we recognize the joy, hurt, sacrifice, desperation, hope, fear, and unconditional love that goes along with being a mama.  

We recognize the long nights without sleep, the lonely days that sometimes seem to fly by and sometimes seem to never end, the messes that always seem a step ahead of us.

If you are a mom, always remember that your job matters.  Even when it feels like all of your work goes unnoticed and unappreciated, you matter.  You have the most important job in the world.  God has entrusted you with caring for one of His own.

Thank you, moms, for everything that you do for your children.  You tie little shoes, wash dirty hands, prepare meals, wipe runny noses with your sleeve without thinking twice.  You give the best hugs and snuggles to your sick babies.  You sing silly songs and read stories at bedtime.  You make oatmeal and spaghetti and slice fruit just right.

And all of it matters.

Maybe you are hurting this mother's day.  Maybe you have lost a little one or suffered a miscarriage.  Maybe you've dreamed of being a mom but are still left with empty arms.  We will not forget you today because you matter too.  Never underestimate your ability to make a difference, even if it's not with children of your own.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

one year photos

 When Everlyn turned one, we decided to splurge a little and have professional pictures taken.  Looking back, we regret not having professional newborn photos, so we knew we needed to just do it.

I'm so glad we did.

We went with Jennifer Hosking Photography, a local photographer who works only with babies.  She was awesome and so patient with Evie.  If she started to get cranky, Jennifer would tell us to take a few minutes and give Evie a snack or play with her.  And her photos turned out so well.

So, without further ado, her are a few of the shots!

one

Today is one that I have seen coming for awhile, and yet, it still has taken me by surprise.

My baby is one.  As in, one year.  Say what? When did this happen?!  

On this day a year ago, I went in for a routine checkup two days past my due date.  That routine checkup turned into, "Why don't you just swing by triage to have things checked out," which suddenly became, "We're going to break your water now!"  

It seems like only yesterday, and yet, it seems so distant.  

The days may be long, but oh, time is so short with this baby girl.

Chris recently went to a youth conference where they used an illustration of a jar of marbles.  The idea was to take a jar and fill it with marbles - one for every week until your child graduates high school.  Then, at the end of each week, remove a marble from the jar.  It is meant to help parents recognize how little time they have with their children.

Today, I am down a year's worth of marbles.  And although high school graduation seems lightyears away, there was once a day when her first birthday seemed the same way.  And now here we are.

What am I going to do with the marbles we have left? The job behind such a question seems daunting, and I'm not even sure I can give a proper answer.  But I do know this - I will love my daughter deeply, I will cherish every moment, and I will do my best to teach her the responsibility of living intentionally. I want her to discover her calling and then answer it in the way only she can.

Oh, I have so many dreams for that girl.

Happy birthday, sweet Evie.  You are loved more than you'll ever know.  May we never take a moment with you for granted.

just can't get enough

...of this sunshine! Oh my stars, the weather today was beautiful. Thank you Lord!

I took Evie out into the yard to explore while I planted our vegetable garden.  Of course, that was often interrupted with Evie trying to eat everything - leaves, dirt, tree bark, grass, and rocks.  But we got a mega dose of vitamin D and mama daughter time. 

Love the sunshine in my soul.

spring nights

We love the sunshine over here.  Picnics have become our norm. Summer is going to be full of sweet, sweet memories.  I'm thankful for this sneak peek of summer weather.