feel

After so much waiting, today was the day that I was told by the nurse to take a pregnancy test to see if the Clomid had worked.

It was negative. 

Honestly, this is what I expected.  I didn't really have any reason to think otherwise.  It didn't shock me when I saw the blank window on the hpt this morning.   I didn't even cry - I just went back to sleep.

If there's one thing I've learned about infertility, it's that it is so much more than a physical struggle.  It is emotionally draining every. single. day.  

I feel as though this battle has taken so much from me, but the biggest thing I have lost is hope.  And a soul without hope is a heavy soul.  I have lost the capacity to feel the emotions as they come.  

I am numb.  Because I am tired of feeling grief.  So instead, I do not feel.

It's as if my soul has been drenched in a heavy rain.  Deep down, I know there are tears for the struggle, but they have been drowned deep beneath the surface.

I want to have permission to feel this journey, no matter where it takes me.