This post is going to basically make me sound like a horrible person. And I feel like a horrible person for thinking these things, so that's okay.
As an update, our pregnancy is going very well so far. We're in the home stretch - the third trimester - and I can hardly believe it. My belly seems huge (to me, at least), but I know it's only going to get bigger. And soon, we will be holding our little girl.
One of the other things that comes with being so far along is hearing about other people who are getting pregnant. Suddenly, I am not the newly pregnant person anymore. Just in the last few days, I have heard of several friends and acquaintances who are expecting their second (or fifth) child. I should be happy for these people. I desperately want to be happy for them. But instead, I am jealous. Yes, jealous. And I know that makes no sense whatsoever. How can I be jealous of something I currently have? The truth is, I have no idea. All I know is that this is how I am feeling. And I hate it. I want the pain that came with our not-so-long-even-though-it-felt-like-forever wait to have a baby to just go away. But for some reason, I'm finding out that having a baby (or at least being pregnant with one) does not cure that pain and worry. And in turn, the jealousy. I wish it would just all go away. I really feel like a monster for feeling like this, but I don't know how to change. Of course, I'm praying about it, but I still find myself struggling.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Youth Ministry
Okay, time to vent. About church. Which I normally don't like to do, but sometimes, openness and honesty are the best policies.
When I was in high school, I started attending a small youth group at another church. Just as I was beginning to attend regularly, the church hired a new youth pastor. (I think I was in the tenth grade at this point.) Long story short, I really loved my youth pastor and his wife. They were huge influences in my life. When they announced suddenly that they were leaving right after my senior year, I was angry. I felt like they were abandoning us after only a short time. They tried to explain that they needed to step out of ministry for awhile and focus more on their expanding family. I thought that it sounded like an excuse. I did eventually get over my anger and hurt, but it took a long time. Now, I still think of them often and remember what great examples they were for me and for our group.
Fast forward two more years. Suddenly, I am in their shoes. I married Chris just weeks after he graduated with his degree in Biblical Studies. He had already been interning with the youth group at our home church for a few years, and I knew that he planned to go into youth ministry full-time. I even told him (and others) that I had always wanted to marry a youth pastor. We were literally thrown into the role, leaving for a week of summer camp just a couple of days after returning from our honeymoon (which I do NOT recommend, for the record).
That was just the beginning of the whirlwind that is our life now. Don't get me wrong, we absolutely love the students we work with. They are awesome, and it is a great privilege just to know them. But youth ministry is hard. Really hard. I'm sure that full-time ministry in general is difficult, but youth ministry presents its own special challenges. It is, as Chris puts it, "a church within the church." Every week, he does his best to mirror the adult service setup in a way that will be meaningful to teenagers. This means preparing two messages (one for middle school and one for high school) and running three Sunday services (two for middle school, one for high school). Unlike an adult pastor, his weekend role does not end there. Chris also plans games for the youth services, organizes volunteers and their roles, and often ends up working some of the tech stuff when he's not physically up on the platform. He plans weekend outreach events, retreats, and camps (which we also attend). He tries to meet regularly with a group of Student Leaders, which inevitably happens on a week night since they are in school. He also runs a Wednesday night small group study. Plus, he is sometimes given roles involving the adult services (such as giving the announcements on Saturday night and Sunday morning) or is needed in attendance at some adult outreach event. As I see it, his role in youth ministry involves so much more than any one adult position. And the reason is simple - there is only one of him. Of course, he has a dozen or so wonderful, dedicated parent volunteers who help lighten his load tremendously. They help lead other small groups, attend a youth service on Sunday mornings/evenings, and sometimes give up their time for a retreat or a camp. They do so much. But he still has to be there for 99% of it.
And it's just... a lot. And sometimes, it seems like no one truly understands how much work is involved in this youth ministry (this is my pity party, haha). Right now, Chris gives 3 Sunday messages, and they may add a Saturday night youth service as well. If his weekend job only involved preparing and delivering a message, that might be more doable. But like I said, that's just one part of his job. Sometimes, I just really wish I could have a weekend with him with nothing else going on. Since I'm in school full-time right now, we don't get to have a day that we just spend together. We don't get a Sabbath. Thankfully, there is a light at the end of that tunnel. (It's called graduation.) But right now, it's hard.
At least I can say that I "get it" now. I understand what my youth pastor and his wife were saying. (And I see how immaturely I reacted.) I understand why the average youth pastor stays in his church for only 18 months. I understand that youth ministry is more than loud music, pizza, and crazy games. It takes so much more than that because students are worth more than that. They are what make it all worthwhile in the end.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
-Galatians 6:9
When I was in high school, I started attending a small youth group at another church. Just as I was beginning to attend regularly, the church hired a new youth pastor. (I think I was in the tenth grade at this point.) Long story short, I really loved my youth pastor and his wife. They were huge influences in my life. When they announced suddenly that they were leaving right after my senior year, I was angry. I felt like they were abandoning us after only a short time. They tried to explain that they needed to step out of ministry for awhile and focus more on their expanding family. I thought that it sounded like an excuse. I did eventually get over my anger and hurt, but it took a long time. Now, I still think of them often and remember what great examples they were for me and for our group.
Fast forward two more years. Suddenly, I am in their shoes. I married Chris just weeks after he graduated with his degree in Biblical Studies. He had already been interning with the youth group at our home church for a few years, and I knew that he planned to go into youth ministry full-time. I even told him (and others) that I had always wanted to marry a youth pastor. We were literally thrown into the role, leaving for a week of summer camp just a couple of days after returning from our honeymoon (which I do NOT recommend, for the record).
That was just the beginning of the whirlwind that is our life now. Don't get me wrong, we absolutely love the students we work with. They are awesome, and it is a great privilege just to know them. But youth ministry is hard. Really hard. I'm sure that full-time ministry in general is difficult, but youth ministry presents its own special challenges. It is, as Chris puts it, "a church within the church." Every week, he does his best to mirror the adult service setup in a way that will be meaningful to teenagers. This means preparing two messages (one for middle school and one for high school) and running three Sunday services (two for middle school, one for high school). Unlike an adult pastor, his weekend role does not end there. Chris also plans games for the youth services, organizes volunteers and their roles, and often ends up working some of the tech stuff when he's not physically up on the platform. He plans weekend outreach events, retreats, and camps (which we also attend). He tries to meet regularly with a group of Student Leaders, which inevitably happens on a week night since they are in school. He also runs a Wednesday night small group study. Plus, he is sometimes given roles involving the adult services (such as giving the announcements on Saturday night and Sunday morning) or is needed in attendance at some adult outreach event. As I see it, his role in youth ministry involves so much more than any one adult position. And the reason is simple - there is only one of him. Of course, he has a dozen or so wonderful, dedicated parent volunteers who help lighten his load tremendously. They help lead other small groups, attend a youth service on Sunday mornings/evenings, and sometimes give up their time for a retreat or a camp. They do so much. But he still has to be there for 99% of it.
And it's just... a lot. And sometimes, it seems like no one truly understands how much work is involved in this youth ministry (this is my pity party, haha). Right now, Chris gives 3 Sunday messages, and they may add a Saturday night youth service as well. If his weekend job only involved preparing and delivering a message, that might be more doable. But like I said, that's just one part of his job. Sometimes, I just really wish I could have a weekend with him with nothing else going on. Since I'm in school full-time right now, we don't get to have a day that we just spend together. We don't get a Sabbath. Thankfully, there is a light at the end of that tunnel. (It's called graduation.) But right now, it's hard.
At least I can say that I "get it" now. I understand what my youth pastor and his wife were saying. (And I see how immaturely I reacted.) I understand why the average youth pastor stays in his church for only 18 months. I understand that youth ministry is more than loud music, pizza, and crazy games. It takes so much more than that because students are worth more than that. They are what make it all worthwhile in the end.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
-Galatians 6:9
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